Fuzzy's Logic Look on Life

3 down, forever more to go..

2008-08-17T04:11:00.004+08:00

Three years and five days ago I finally snared the catch of my life. It has since not without hiccups, yet they are but mere ripples to a giant ship, as they are to our relationship.

No fancy gifts this year for my princess, though I hope the dinner arrangement was to her liking. It was to mine :)

Happy 3th anniversary doe, I love you this much | |* more now :D

*not to scale

It's only words..

2008-08-17T04:06:00.000+08:00

My mother sat crying alone 3 in the morning because her drugged up eldest son had just essentially for another time, chased my parents out of their own home. She is faced with a mountain of debt and carries to sole responsibility in providing for this family. What words do you use to console her then? That everything will be alright? That he will wake up and find a reason to stop abusing drugs and lead a life of the pure? That my dad will finally land that mega million deal he had been sure to land “by next week” for almost a decade now? That her remaining sons that can’t even support themselves proper will be the solutions to this?

My father sat dejected, blaming himself for not being the able provider everyone expects the man of the house to be. At the golden age where one is expected to reap the fruits of experience and wisdom, he is instead burdened with a son that is a drug addict, another which is still trying to start a life and least one more that has not an ounce of respect for him. What words do we use to console him then? That everything will be alright? That he will finally complete the deal and provide his family life beyond comfort? That his sons will turn towards him in search of a role model? That he be comforted by words of counsel saying he had not failed in his duty as a father?

His eldest sat down disconnected, icing up himself to a high that causes him to drive everyone that cared for him away, and when he realizes that no one was there at the end of it all, he iced up again to take the pain away. Thus the cycle repeats. What words do you use to console him then? Whatever it is, I don’t care no more.

My youngest sat desolated as he wrote “waking up every day was like a nightmare” when asked to describe a reason for hope. At the age where holiday meant fun, he is toiling for work, eager to earn every single cent possible, ruing over a chance missed. What words do you use to console him then? That everything will be alright? That his father will come good and deliver finally? That he’ll have a role model in a family with no role? A mother who mans over the household but yet lack the heart, a father who holds the title yet not the respect, two brothers who is utter failure by normal terms. He curses the fact that he was borne into this family, blinded over the strength he had received from it, veiled by perceptions of a perfect family, perfect life. Who then, we ask, would understand the plight of this teen with none in common of the rest other than the ties of blood kin, whatever value of it to him?

I sat alone disheartened as I wrote this piece when all I really wanted was rest. My blood kin I had consisted a mother who needed courage, a father who needed a heart, a disowned kin who needed a brain and a youngest who needed a home. I guess I needed a wizard I doubt exist. What word would you use for me? That everything will be alright? That my mother will have to courage to attend logic over love and send help to her eldest? That my father will be able to understand his family and come to terms with what he has provided? That my kin will be able to have the brain to understand that he is destroying everything he claimed he holds dear? That my youngest will be able to have the home he desire with its perfect parents and perfect life?

Things go beyond words alone and sometimes, words are not in need. I have no time for the sympathies and sorries thrown my way, though I appreciate the gesture. Yes, this is a hard thing for me to accept, I took a hard decision to disown personally someone once so dear to me and I will suffer the consequences of it from what on. I will be losing blood kins by the end of it all, I can only hope I don’t lose them all. I’ve doned sorrying, I’ve doned pitying, I’ve doned crying, I’ve doned saddening. I should be starting believing. It is said that the sky is always darkest before dawn, I hope, nay, believe that this time is will be more than just words.

Makkal Sakthi!

2008-03-10T19:30:00.002+08:00

Never have I've been more proud of my nation and the people in it. Yes, I might be vindicated in proposing that there would be change, there the explosion of the only remaining free media will drive the educated and youths out in throngs to support a change in the system.

But even then, I only dared to say that it would at best kill a few seats of Libra and perhaps lowering the majority of votes and seats, never would I have dreamt it went beyond that sweeping past even the most optimistic of pundits akin to a tsunami. And what a tsunami it was.

What made me proud is that this was not achieved by scandals, it was not achieved by PKR, DAP or PAS. No, it was achieved by the guts and courage of the people not only to want change, but to initiate it as well. I've seen it far too often, Pak Liar's eyes went asleep for another scandal to happen and we grumble and grumble but at the end, we went to sleep as well in fear of retributions. For that I thank the people.

What made me proud is that this was not achieved by the fallacy of Khairy, Zaim or Pak Liar, this was achieved through the unity of the people, who marched together regardless of race in the BERSIH rally and voiced support for the HINDRAF detainees. This was achieved not because the people dangled us with sweet candies for votes, it was achieved through a common desire for a better future and for once, we placed aside all these differences, all these fears, all these uncertainties to show if push comes to shove, we will react.

And acted we did. For once, we were not puppets in the show "BN vs Opp." No, this time we were the audience, the judge, the jury and the voter. This vote certainly did not cost me RM1 and it's impact is far far more than any TV shows combined. Some said to be careful, there would be revenge for those who defied. I saw we show them, that "the government should fear the people" and not vice versa.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. And I reckon our 'cold' treatment not only sent a chill up those crony's spines, but also a stern message to those who think they can continue to piggyride on the goodwill of the nation without giving back. Samy Vellu learned first hand how climates changed, going home for a warm bath and never came back, perhaps not able to find that safe, warm jacket no more. Tsu Koon as well, that loving words came to late for a partner who no longer wants you, a jilted lover could only offer kind words in hopes of a future glimpse.

I can only hope those responsible for the state of our nation is no longer the same bunch who led a sheltered view of our nation, that everyone's forever in debt to the keris and heeds to scare tactics to not cross the line. I hope they see that no longer we view ourselves as Malay, Chinese or Indians, rather we are all Malaysians.

And with that, I can't see a better time that we can finally and truly use the term 'Makkal Sakthi' (People power)

General Erection 2008

2008-03-09T03:31:00.006+08:00

As every living and moderately non-apathic Malaysian will know, we went to the ballot boxes earlier yesterday to vote for a bunch of strangers who we see once every four years in poster to well, drive the course of this country's well-being for four years or so.

This is of course, my first time of voting. I've missed the boat four years ago because I simply didn't care, as what would one vote do against the mighty propaganda machine of the Libra party? This time however, things changed. Given the amount of bullshit and idiocy presented in front of me week in and week out directly (un)live from the parliament, I guess along with million of others, something had to be done. I paid attention to politics :O

Certainly, friends help. I've talked about politics with my friends this week alone more than I have mustered my other years combined. And it is good. Sad to say there were some of the more sarcastic ones, "wah, good citizen, register for vote hor.." while it is not a law, the very least that you have looked and considered your options would be well, sad to say there were resign to Libra winning it over the moons and the rockets, which I doubt is ever a good stance to take in the first place.

Given the results that I've know so far, they have lost and lost bad. Penang, Selangor, Perak, Kedah, Kelantan .. some of it former strongholds of the Libra team. And some old horses is bowing out as well, our grand old Samy Vellu, the longest serving minister, being the biggest casualty. Behind followed Koh Tsu Koon, the Chief Minister of Penang, heck even another fellow blogger, Jeff Ooi, got in ahead of him.

This perhaps is the biggest lost ever suffered by the party, seeing they had almost over 90% majority last time around and thankfully the only reason they haven't lost the majority this time around is because the opposition could not field enough candidates rather than they could not wrestle it away. The sad thing about all this is that, come Monday, when they group up and discuss how did they lose so badly, the reasons will be nothing closer to the truth. Expect the usual, "they voted with feelings, not head" "phantom votes!" or "opposition used underhand tactics"..

Why did they lose though? Few reasons really, such as:

1) Older generations protesting the increase of everything but their sex life and penis length.
2) Younger generations protesting the decrease of income the receive for parents due to reason #1
3) Young voters incensed at the idiocy and corruption displayed by the government week in and week out as shown on YouTube.
4) Young voters
5) are not dumb and chained by the traditional media

Control all the usual media you want (go ahead, collect last weeks newspapers till yesterdays and read, you'd see we astonishingly have NO crime. Nop, no rape cases, no child missing, no robbery, no car accidents or bus falling down cliffs) but you can't control the internet. The last time they did, (arresting a few bloggers under ISA), they end up getting one of those arrested for blogging into parliament, so good going there Leroy.

This could be a new beginning for Malaysia, where we have seen another triumph for the free media (the Lingam case would have NEVER gotten any press if not for youtube) and how the youths have made a change. For the good or worst? We'll have four years to find out, I can only hope by that time, I would actually know the candidates I'm voting for.

Joke of the day:

When asked whether the massive lost by BN was a vote of no confidence on the government, he (PM Badawi) said, "I don't see it that way."

Obviously not, we merely hated the logo and color of the flag. It does not go well with orange.

Edison Chen's sex scandal..

2008-02-16T16:44:00.002+08:00

People has been asking me to get the links to the expressionist pictures that he took with some rather fetching models, who just happened to be in the entertainment circle. I got tired of that, so here's a link to another site who does think it's worth the time to catalog it.

Edison's Art Exhibition

I'd tell you to enjoy, but I think the thought of a possible tape of Maggie Q's doing the sexy is the only thing you are looking forward too.

Welcome to the family..

2007-11-17T08:56:00.000+08:00

She arrived without much fanfare. No barrage of congratulatory calls, no visits from nosy aunts, no hand me downs from know it all elders. As my last post would have mentioned, I think she'll fit right into this family. Soon.

Her enthusiasm for life and all of it's glory would be slowly stripped away by our nonchalant attitude towards life, and possibly everything in connection with it.

Her zest for life and all its fun would be slowly squeezed out of her head by our suffocating need to concentrate on a electronics screen with pictures coming out of it.

Her zeal for life and all of its wonders would be slowly taken away from her by our dedicated nature to ruin the life of those close to us, or least scar them enough with.

Yes, it took my family one week to decide that no one really wanted her, and while she is guaranteed a safe haven here as long as she remains, she can safely bet there would not be tear shed over her when she leaves. It took my family one week to realise that no one really wanted to take her for her daily walk, that no one really wanted to play with her for even the slightest when there is a picture on that electronics screen. It took my family one week to realise that those joyous jumps were not for food but merely for attention. Attention that she'll never get, seeing she has to compete with four electronics screen with pictures, and boy do they have a head start in this one.

So, welcome to the family, enjoy the stay and as Don Henley aptly puts it, "you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leaveeee."

We are family..

2007-11-12T08:11:00.000+08:00

It's always surprising what time can do. This year alone, I've witness my brother barred from entering his own hometown, I've witness close friends gotten married, I've witness new friendships brokered, old friendships broken, new life born, old life terminated.

Next year, I'd be witnessing the same thing again, yet this time I can't help but to think it's getting personal. I'm should kinda maybe going to be an uncle to a child that would by my calculations, have absolutely no chance in having a ordinary, normal, unassuming life that many would never have dreamt of when they go to bed at night. But to this child, I'm more willing to shelve out a couple to bet that this is exactly what he (or she, we don't want to be sexist here..) would do once he (or she, we don't want to be sexist here..) finds out about the club he's signing on to. Firstly, he'll have a grandfather thats too stubborn for his own good, a grandmother that's too loving for her own good, a father that's a bordering criminal, a mother that's a bordering bitch, an uncle that's a bordering sloth and another that's bordering normality.

Maybe this is why I never get those who are depressed. Perhaps it's just me, but I think I've seen, witness or at the very least, experienced more or less the same situation that some of these individuals have been through, and have come out fine (I wouldn't say normal, many would attest to that fact). Maybe that's why I'm generally unsympathetic to various excuses to be sad, depressed, stressed, down, emo, and kawasan kawasan yang sewaktu dengannya, because far worst things have happened and people have survived. Sometimes I wonder if I should feel or say sorry for my girlfriend who must have thought she finally found a normal guy with a normal family that would maybe someday win a jackpot lottery and go on to have a rich and happy life in the countryside together, just to end up with me. But meh, I'm leaning on unsympathetic though, because far worst things have happened and people have survived :)

I guess underneath all the idiosyncrasies, I have secretly liked that way this family functioned because well, who really want to tell others they're like the 6 billion other people on earth, that they're nothing but normal, unassuming human being with the standard catchphrase and typical pose? As the fashion industry have for so long confirmed, we hang on to any little thing that could make us stand out in a crowd of one, and perhaps the workings of my family is one of such things.

Came-around Highlands

2007-10-22T11:05:00.000+08:00

After another fine display of my attention span, I found myself having to commit to a trip up to Cameron Highlands to visit my brother with my friends, something I vaguely remember agreeing to month ago thinking it would be another empty promises we so often say and forget. So at 4am in the morning, I found myself hurriedly unpacked with KC and John waiting downstairs, all half asleep and wondering why they committed themselves to such trip.

And as probably a show of spirit and commitment to this excitable trip, once in the car I discovered there were 6 cans of beer with the promise of more to come. By the time we started our journey, we were already looking for a 7-11 to restock the cans. They sell mini Transformers there for RM19.90, and John got the only remaining Soundwave and left me staring at the inept sorry looking Optimus which I chose not to buy >:( Finally, I'm becoming a smart consumer, I would later on chose to waste that Rm19.90 on far more much much useless thing, as you'll come to see.

By the time we reach Ringlet, where my brother was currently based. And I guess you could say this was turning out into a typical "few friends discovered a bond over the course of travel" movie as the moment we stepped out of the car, we instantly remembered why we don't choose to come here that often, we were half frozen to death. It's not helped by the fact that as guys, we have been hardwired into thinking we can beat the cold, shown here by KC's insistence of wearing a t-shirt, short khakis and slippers, me being a college student thus perhaps more evolved, chose a jersey, jeans and slippers and John being the only one who have graduated and holding a real job, suggested a hint of higher evolution at work by wearing long sleeve shirt, jeans and pair of shoes. But ultimately, the fact that all of us forgot to either bring or use the jacket we have is probably a good indicator that evolution still have a long way to go.

After a short catch-up consisting of stories on how he survived detention, he took us to what he said "a popular and decent" motel, which I think is probably due to its great hospitality. The people there not only ignored any identification check, but they also let us choose the room that we wanted, which was hard considering all of it was empty and looked exactly the same. We finally choose room number 115, because it "looked bigger", though it's pretty much the same to me. For a temporary moment I thought it was nice to have a decent apartment for once, before the big guy above reminded me about the pipe water shower and the colony of flies that seemed to be happy to have us living under their roofs. My brother did get the hospitality part down to a pat, as I do not see anything else going for them in the race to attract customers.

I chose to get some rest while they choose to bury their faces in more beer, probably a decent idea considering the options available there. I woke up nicely in time for dinner, which we choose a steamboat place, logically thinking which other time do you eat steamboat? (It turns out for Chinese people, it's whenever you want to..) When the portions came we were honestly, shocked. Perhaps originating from Klang, or perhaps just the Chinese part in us got out, we found each of our portion consisting of one strand of veggie, one egg, small chunk of what appears to be meat and one spoonful of noodles, I wondered if we stumbled into Tyra Banks' dream restaurant. And perhaps originating from Klang, or perhaps just the Chinese part in us got out, John demanded to see the manager to explain about this atrocity. He, being the mastermind of this and having perhaps served one too many similar complaints, masterfully explained this was what we were getting and showed us some other meals we could order to compliment what I think in his view, the starter. We refused, payed around RM20 each and be on our way, with my mind lingering at the thought that it would have bought me a bloody Soundwave toy. You could have argued its expected in a tourist destination and we did bought upon it ourselves, but I would have raised my brows and countered "What!" before whimpering on with an agreement.

As we left the restaurant far earlier than expected (both of my friends didn't want to know the price of beer there..), we walked up to the night market, apparently a big attraction on weekends. Here is a place where if well played, you can guilt your girlfriend into winning a future "out of jail" card. To those who have ever bought roses for their girlfriends, I would be well guessed to say you'd have paid around RM80-100 for a dozen of roses, perhaps more during special dates. The first stall we walked pass however, shoved what I think was 200 million stalks at a price of..... RM10. Yes. I've never understood the charm of flowers, not the giddiness of getting it, but making your boyfriend paying ten times for something that symbolizes beauty only last couple of days (unless you put them in water) seems utterly pointless when we can tell that to you (more discreetly if we do not have a death wish) for less than one tenth of the price. So the next time I try to buy some silly thing (probably another electronic gadget) for ten times the price, you do not get to question the wisdom of such purchase, because the last time I check, these things does not die out in a couple of days (ironically it would.. if placed in water).

The next day, as we prepare to descent in the afternoon, saw us take on the role of a fit grandmother as we rose at 8am to go to the morning market and shopped. In the 10 minutes of arrival, we were somehow transformed into an expert in pinching fruits, feeling veggies and nonsensical chat with the sellers on observations of everyday life. Adhering to guys rule no. 54 of Dude's Guide to Shopping: "run it, grab it from nearest stall and do not turn back", we finished it in 2 hours flat and had time to stop by the nearest mamak for our breakfast, before calling my brother to see him for a short while before leaving back to Klang again.

This "short while" turns out to be a 1 hour stop, as he took us around the sleazy end of Cameron Highlands that is probably the highlight of the our trip. Yes, while you might have had the grand tour of the "scenic" hills with tea plantations, the rows and rows of strawberry in a farm or saw the grandeur of the roses in their garden but I can bet you have never seen this. In fact I wouldn't know any reason for you to want to be there, as just a road away, it seemed we ended up in a different world. Dusts flying all around, shanty joints knocked on by plank of woods, people sitting outside as if they are free, the only thing missing was horses or I would have swore we were in a western cowboy town. The only up point was that we were there for all but 30 mins and after they confirmed we weren't the rebel red indians, we were free to go on our way and I think that experienced shocked us slightly, as there was no sadness upon leaving Cameron Highlands.

All in all, it was a decent way to have wasted a couple of days, but for now, please forgive me as I go on and tell people that I wouldn't give up a city life for one on the countryside such as Cameron's, it's far far too hectic for me, I'm afraid.

God is Malaysian

2007-08-13T01:36:00.000+08:00

Yes, after years of us hearing how Jesus is Jewish, Siddhartha is Indian and the Prophet Mohamed is Arab, I here submit the hypothesis that God is Malaysian.

Afterall, we see how apathic he can be towards poor or unfortunate people, not unlike us Malaysians and how we cry foul over how the rich bullies the poor, yet do nothing whatsoever about it, he shows it by giving dictators such as Pol Pot or Pinochet years and years of life and only have them suffer some illness. I further submit that not only is he Malaysian, but he's also a college student. Yes, god is a Malaysian college student who thinks he knows every darn thing in the world and on occasion, smokes pot or gets drunk. I mean, have you seen the platypus? I rest my case.

But I have a more concrete proof than that. I think today was the dateline of God's individual lab report. And like a good Malaysian college student who must meticulously cramp every single workload they have into a single day, in this case he cramped about 10 years worth of work in a few hours.

S0me of you would have known that I'm doing events, and my jobs requires me to travel from shops to shops to promote a certain brand, most of the time the brand that had paid me to travel from shops to shops. This particular promotion required me to go to such outlets, and announce that I'll be buying them drinks for the coming 1 hour, so as you would have known judging by the term "free" and "malaysians", we were pretty much well loved. Everything have been going well, perhaps because God was busy playing Dota (Hmm, Osama with his "rockets"?) and maybe Starcraft (U.Sruuuuusssshhhh kkekekekekekkekeke ^_^) that he perty much forgot about this project until today.

Our outlets was suppose to start at 5pm today, and at 4.45pm I discovered that the car won't start. Not even a hint of teasing when the sound makes it sound like you might be just to start it. Nop, just pure dead. So, that delayed me for about an hour, which means we had to rush up all our promotion. We reached the third second destination by time, and actually had quite a good time. We naturally wrapped it up and proceeded to the next outlet about 10 mins away and the first thing I noticed when I stopped was the fact that my wallet was gone. Poof. Missing. After giving what I would think is illegal in 14 states of Malaysia to the truck, I came to the conclusion that it could have fell on the last outlet, so I rush back there to be first, greeted by the winning goal van Persie scored for Arsenal to avoid them losing and then the news that some bloke could have possibly took it. With all my money inside that was to be used for the 3 outlets. With my IDs. My donors card. My pictures of Aileen. My small collection of lint due to me never cleaning my wallet. After another illegal conduct to the truck, I gave up and proceeded with my work.

I guess that was the introduction, as the next outlet I visited gave me further problem. Not only was I greeted with a winning goal to give Chelsea 3 points, but the promotion went so well that we surpassed our free drinks limit. After a lengthy discussion, I managed to convince the owner that I will only pay for the limit we've set and in return, I gave him more free stuff that would have been otherwise benefited some customers like that bloke who can now afford to eat something nice with the money he got from picking up my wallet.

The worst was not over, we rushed to the next outlet because at 11pm, the Man Utd will start and no one will be even remotely interested to look at us, even though we might dress like the Red Devils. Upon arrival, the parking spot that we saw was taken by a stupid car and we can't do nothing about because we had to look after the image of the brand and that the outlet didn't even let us ran the promotion.

This seemed like good news, because it means we could go back earlier, but we know better right? It seemed that no one was either available or wanted to watch the game with me, so I ended up alone in a mamak looking at how Man Utd shoot themselves in the leg again, with the killer blow coming from a long time friend stumbled upon me there, telling me that her grandmother just passed away which not only did I not knew earlier, but also couldn't go over to pay respect due to me wearing red. Boom. The end.

I must say, judging by this, God must been at best, a first year college student. The effort is there, but it needs more polishing. Firstly, this was my last day of promotion, so that gave me time tomorrow to sort out the hassles of reporting and redoing my documents. He should have done it earlier to really screw me up. Secondly, Man Utd drawing still gives them a point. He should have make them lost to really screw me up. I admit, the "no one's available" trick was unexpected, but then again I don't really bother if I had to watch alone, so it didn't hit me as hard as God would have wanted I suppose.

Now, how do I rate this research? There were some weaknesses in running his experiment as you can see, and the signs of him rushing his work is present. The old copy and paste job of "losing a wallet", the overused "outlet didn't allow promotion" and I guess the expected "favourite team not winning game". Frankly, I'd expected better from God seeing how much time he had in researching for this experiment

All in all, I give him a 72 despite these shortcomings. Afterall, we wouldn't want to piss God off, do we?

Now, where was I?

2007-07-24T08:26:00.000+08:00

Strange eh that i need to go to work to have time to blog :D

Yes, while being on holiday means to many as a time where they get to be teenagers, to me it simply means I need to get off my fantasy horse and come back to reality and realise that I need to work so I can get money that will go towards feeding our golden pig.

Yes, a golden pig that sucks on me and my girlfriends money with promises that it'll take care of us on our vacation, kinda like how insurance works but with less annoyance, commitment and letter of warning. But we doubt any of us will have time for a vacation this year, so I'm imagining that the one that we will eventually have better kick ass.

Some have been bugging me to at least write something here most often, and I've been promising them that since February. So here I am, fulfilling that promise. Recently, I've been wondering why I stopped blogging, something that if you do read my blogs, you would know I do quite often back then. I arrived at two conclusions, plain boredom or my lack of attention span. Since telling people that its due to plain boredom might shocked young bloggers to think that we'll one day got bored of blogging, I'll claim that it's due to my attention span. Now you see, this was one of the thing I wished for and as we all know, we only get 1 wish per year through our birthday and if lucky, another from some shooting stars. Since I'm no astronomer no do I have much interest in the sky, I got 1 wish granted, aileen bought me Augusten Borrough's book.

Thus, my quite legendary unsustainable attention span remains for now. So.. jealously, it's a funny thing, ain't it?

Owners of two dogs will understand. But I wonder, what about fishes? Do you think conversations like this goes on everyday in some fish tank somewhere?

fish 1: i think my wife is sleeping around..
fish 2: what made u think so, my old friend?
fish 1: Well, when I went to check on my cluster of egg, i swear i saw a few that isn't mine.. whose spore could that be?
fish 2: Don't worry old pal, we'll find the guy even if it takes us two days without meals.
fish 1: Two days without food? This is madness..
fish 2: Madness? THIS IS AQUARRRIIAAA...

Thank you, this has been brought to you by FishFood! The only food fish can't live without.

Recently a female came to me with the same problem, that they were jealous of the fact that their boyfriend seemingly choose to spend more times with his friend than her. I told her that I do love her and she's just thinking too much, she proceeded to throw a fit and now I better have a kickass plan for our second year anniversary.

Which I naturally don't. I'm just pondering whether telling her the surprise of that date is that I have not planned anything would at least made her not totally kill me for some ingenuity. But for now, I'll simply revel in the fact that I'm still alive, and that I'm not troubled by jealously, at least not yet.

On forth to the weekend I say, when I'll be making a trip to the Baha.. I mean Cameron Highlands, the non-casino hill.

The best laid plans of lice and men..

2007-02-03T19:00:00.000+08:00

I know I know, its been a awhile and most of you have probably stop reading this :D ... but meh, felt like writing and sharing for the first time in ages now.

Couple days ago, I was in a tutorial class when one of my classmates stood in front of the class to talk about a subject that they felt had an impact on their childhood way back. As I was imagining and nodding through the usual answers I expected (divorce, friends, new school, death of the Mr.Fluffy) a certain case grabbed by ear, and possibly my locked, unconscious memory that I think I repressed way back then.

This classmate was talking about her experience with lice, and how it affected her childhood (pretty obvious, since she still remembers it) and how it would have been different if it happened at different age. But that wasn't the interesting part that piqued my interest, the part where that story bought back my memory of the experience I've had with lice was.

Thought I can't remember or even had recalled any of this ever before, I guess she unlocked the password to this area of my subconscious. Though I can't say I remember it like yesterday, I think I can remember it like it happened 15 years ago. The story you're about to read might scare the bejesus out of you, or it might not. Either way, I'm still writing it so read on (or don't, if you're NST and looking to slap libel on anything that blogs).

15 years ago (or not), I was just a wee lad living a a much simpler world where we have great songs like Theme from Ghostbusters, not crappy ones like 'hip-hop' today and where we have proper heroes like Thundercats, not lame ones like ... well, if they are lame, they are not suited to be called heroes.

Back then, my family shared a single storey, small and crampy house with my auntie and her family as well, thus effectively disqualifying us from ever appearing on MTV Cribs. While all of that looked bad, I actually enjoyed my childhood as a part of it. But thats another story for another day, isn't it?

Anyway, one day I was playing as usual with my cousins when one of the oldest son of my auntie came back with his hair now gold in color. I was shocked. It's one thing to see a chinese with gold hair, but it was more shocking to see a dark colored person (yes, he was adopted) with gold hair, thus the term "hair coloring" was introduced to me for the first time. Well, rather the term "hair coloring" was enforced on me for the first time.

You see, as my cousin started to look more outstanding then he already is, he began to drive this idea into his other cousins that coloring your hair makes you cool, and me being the youngest in the group at the time, automatically gets to be the very first person to be 'cooled' up.

So they set upon to find a hair coloring product in the supermarket near our house, and a quick look at the price reminded us that none of us are actually rich enough to feed ourselves, more so to buy a hair coloring product. With that, the idea was put to rest. For about 3 seconds, that is.

When another cousin said she know another way of coloring my hair, the motion was set. I was asked to lie down in on the newspaper covered floor, then I heard lots of mumbling, giggling and occasionally the expression "oohhhh, ok ok" and if I'm lucky, feel some liquid splatter across my face. When it was all done, I was told to lie down for "awhile" in order to it it dry. But then a problem came up when i went to wash my hair as ordered, it was flowing yellow. My cousins, as you might have expected now, had used watercolor as a substitute to the real stuff.

While many others would have given up, not this bunch. As if possessed by *insert inspiring movie about never give up attitudes (I personally recommend Rocky)*, they went back to the drawing boards and tried to figure out something new. They came up with crayon this time, and instead of attacking the fringes, the went straight to the source. They colored straight into my scalp, hoping that somehow they'll figure out why somewhere in between the procedure.

They never did though, and until one of my cousins finally evolved one degree smarter, they finally stopped. Twice failed, they were getting desperate as it it was near dinner time and we already spend more than 3 hours on this. Thus one final way was proposed, if this failed we'll all act as if it never happened and no harm done. This time, not only more watercolor will be used, but also the involvement of a hair-dryer.

At time of this statement release, we're sad to inform that the procedure was going smoothly when an accident happened, thus rendering the procedure a failure. The lice problem has since been dealt with, but I did have a hard time explaining why the lices came with different colors.

A better plan, I said. We needed a better plan.

Oh lately it's so quiet

2006-12-21T21:10:00.000+08:00

It has been absolutely ages since I posted, yeah?

Life, universe and everything else it seems are more important than keeping a blog half alive and I do feel guilty as to my promises to keep this active. Not much seems to be going on anyway, I look set to go onto my second year of college without a glitch, still with the same melancholy look at life and everything it could have offered.

I will slowly and hopefully surely get back on my arse and post more. But till then, meh. I'll leave you though, with my moment of this year, 2006.

Wish everyone of you a very Merry Christmas (or Happy Holidays to those who are PC) and a very Happy New Year.

Don't Caring..

2006-02-23T08:18:00.000+08:00

I don't care.

I don't? Driving for about 2 hours through jam and rain, agreeing to all the knick-knacks that seemed unreasonable, apologizing even when at times I seemed to be one the right side, I don't care?

This one takes the biscuit. You slammed the phone on me, saying you don't want to see me, then freak out when I went to sleep? I don't control sleep. What did I do entire day that was so important? Nothing much, trying to secure so fucking money so I don't have to tell mom I need the money I gave her.

If it was so important to you, say yes. If it was so important, call up my home, ask them to wake me up. But alas, you don't care. You'd rather wait for the chance to pounce on me like the guilty useless bastard I am. You succeeded. Congratulations. I apologise for sleeping, for not offering you a ride because you committed to a walking game with your friends and for not being able to take you to the zoo. You needed your sleep, you've up until 4 doing something very important, I bet.

I'm tired of arguing my case. You wanna blame me, go ahead. Because I'm going to start listen to you and let you be right in your vindictive judgement, I'm going to don't care. If you want this to tie you up, that's now, your problem. I'll still love you as I do, accept you as you are and not caring what you want to do with you and your feelings anymore, because I can't and don't find much energy, tears and thoughts into having to justify my feelings to you over and over again.

Tagged

2006-01-31T18:20:00.000+08:00

Been tagged by aileen, so here goes nothing.

I have no idea if anyone still reads this though, so whoever reads this and has a blog, you've been tagged. Out of the 10 words, you can only change the order of two words, so have fun.

I
me
blowjob
grapes
random
power
loneliness
water
robot
blue

I woke up to a strange news that I've been tagged, none other than my isiotic gf. When I proceeded to honor the tag, some of my friends cursed me for having woken them up to tell them they have been tagged :( ... She owes me a blowjob for this... and kodomo lion, the one that taste like grapes. But as the random calls to wake people up and tell them they have been tagged, biatchhhh!!!! went on, a strange sense of power begun to engulf me. "My god", I said, "Think of what I could do with this power invested in me, why, why I can pratically eliminate the social plague that is loneliness, that scum of a disease that causes people to sing bad karaoke and pretend to be 14-year-old girls who is interested in me *sob*, them bostords! I'll show them, oh yes I will..."

With a costume custom fitted, hair gelled, muscles toned and signature signed for the purchase of an all weather, water-proof and comes with one year warranty robot, I was prepared to fight the monster from the blue lagoon, who was awaken from his 100 years slumber from idiot who called him up in the morning and apparently said he has been tagged. It's going to be a long day, a long day indeed.

Peter Pan - Tak Bisakah

2006-01-24T04:22:00.000+08:00

Hatiku bimbang dengan tetap pikirkanmu
Selalu-s'lalu dalam hatiku
Kumelangkah sejauh apapun itu
Selalu kau didalam hatiku

Ku berjalan-berjalan memutar waktu
Berharap temukan sisa hatimu
Mengertilah ku ingin engkau begitu
Mengerti kau didalam hatiku

Tak Bisakah kau menungguku
Hingga nanti tetap menunggu
Tak Bisakah kau menuntunku
Menemani dalam hidupku

Ku berjalan-berjalan memutar waktu
Berharap temukan sisa hatimu
Mengertilah ku ingin engkau begitu
Mengerti kau didalam hatiku

Jangan Kau mencari hidupku
Kemana Kau tau isi hatiku
Tunggu sejenak aku disitu
Jalanku jalan menemukanmu

Tak Bisakah kau menungguku
Hingga nanti tetap menunggu
Tak Bisakah kau menuntunku
Menemani dalam hidupku

Driving the fool inside on...

2006-01-17T10:39:00.000+08:00

A bane of being a psychology student is the fact that you have the tendency to look at things in a different way, you catch the small things that would usually go unoticed or you might over analyse something quite badly... So here's a example of what I mean, enjoy:

As I woke up early this morning, I went online hoping to catch her there as well. Lo and behold, she was. We have a good talk and she said she wanted coke and she wanted it now. So, I haul my tired and half asleep arse up and went buy coke, then proceed to drive from Klang to Kota Kemuning, about an hour's drive through and fro.

As I reach there, I gave her a call, asking her to come out and take her coke, only to be hit by the bombshell saying she can't. Why can't she call? Does it really take that much effort to give a phone call comfirming that I'm not going through with it, seeing that my last msg was one that told her I'm coming now. Apparently not. Perhaps my lack of consistency caused her to think I was only joking, something that I would later comfirm was a part of it.

The second thing that ran through my mind was where is my position in her heart? If a job she hates and loathe seems to be more important than me, what then should I feel? While this are no more than illusionary correlations and I know the potential costs of thinking too much, I can't help it. Today was the first time in ages I felt let down. But wait you say, I can also see this what, so easy to spot. Well, I'll look abit more into it then..

We'll skip the reasons she gave, and arrive at "Come la lunch time ke.." ...we clearly see a cognitive dissonance here, and by diffusing the blame to me, we both now share the part of the blame.. "The GM's here, so I can't go out" ... here she's reduced her perceived control, this was an event out of her control thus less responsible and guilt would be attached to it.. "we were just playing the fool, you know that.." .. Apparently I don't.. so it was at the end, my fault for being a fool, instead of playing one.

I been a fool for you, little girl
Way down in my soul
I'm a little fool for ya
- Ray Charles

But hearing lich's stories of how his friend suffer even worst fate than mine in the hands of his girlfriend, doe looks angelic juxtaposed beside her. I've promised that I would never have a "devil may care" attitude towards her, no matter what she does to a certain extend, but today I found myself being drawn closer to that line I don't want to cross.

Maybe someday I'll be numb to this bullshit she tends to pull every oh so often, but for now, " she's sweet as a honey bee, but like a honey bee stings. she's leaving my heart in pain" ... And oh how it hurts.

On a note..

2006-01-14T03:15:00.000+08:00

One hectic day is replaced by another and lo behold, college starts again. So here goes some silly nit and notes that I can recall sitting here, so details are bound to be lacking.

On a positive note, one of my good friends since ages ago got married. Which was a slight suprise to me as it came totally unguarded because it's rare for a guy to want to get married at the age of 24 with no 'accidents' whatsover, but then again a couple of my friends has done the same so it might be a weird bug that spreads only among us.

On a negative one, aileen's mood swings are scary. I'm learning the tip and tricks of putting up with it, but one day I'm afraid I will run out of steam and wouldn't be able to handle it. Still, knowing she loves me is enough to spur me on. The day she stops will be the day I let her go.

On a positive note, everything worked out somehow and I was able to continue my college education.

On a negative one, aspects of it remains in the dark until I can settle things down. And I have to take BM :(

On a positive note, I have Ms. Winnee teaching both of my classes, with Dr. Goh assisting in one of them, should be a good class then.

On a negative one, I've already have people harrassing me over the fact that some Malaysian singer/model chick is in my class. I DON'T CARE.

On a positve note, our relationship is going extremely well even with the occasional bumps.

On a negative one, at times I don't know where I stand in her heart. Hearing things like "I know I won't marry you" hardly inspires you to be a better boyfriend, even though I know marriage is the furthest thing in our mind.

On a negative note, I'm tired. I've been bombarded with roles I don't want to play, informations I don't want to know, problems I don't want to face, thoughts I don't want to have, words I don't want to hear, tears I don't want to drop and truths I don't want to handle.

One a positive one, I'm still standing, I will continue to stand, with or without anyone beside me. I have to stand, knowing that your own brother might be assasinated anytime isn't a fun thought, but who else can I share this fear with? Watching your mom cry as she talks about our home isn't the happiest memory, but could you turn away? Listening to your granny talks as everyday would be her last day isn't a smile inducing factor, but the fact remains. Sensing the hurt your girlfriend causes with those ice-cold stares isn't the next best thing, but what else do you expect?

It can be a lonely place to be in, a place where you don't see anyone else but you. But of course, there are far worst cases than mine, for lonelier places I can't reach, far terrible problems I can't grasp. With that in mind, I have to stand, I have to smile and I have to walk. Because if everyone gives up, who would be there to see, to know what we could reap at the end? Who would shoulder the half-arsed responsibilities of the eldest son if something (touchwood) did go wrong? Who would be the shoulder to cry on, the comforting sound to stop the tears? Who would be the calm giver, the achievement reminder when she lies on her dying bed? Who would be the cheer provider, the silly clown, the stupid lover when she's down in her mood? Who else but me?

Of course, there are far more people more qualified than me, far more able people than me, maybe even far more people willing to take the responsibility than me. But how could I take this chance, knowing at the end of the day, these are the people who fills up my notes with the positives and negatives and these shall be the people I strive to leave a positive note on.

And on that note, I'd like to give you a little snipet of what is quite a brilliant skit from John Safran:

"I admit there's some people smart enough to understand science and the Big Bang and all that stuff, and therefore have enough insight and knowledge to be an atheist. But let's face it ? you're not one of them. Why? Because you're a Humanities student with an Arts degree. Let's not play any games here, if I came over to your house right now and asked you to explain why the Big Bang theory is more rational than Genesis, you wouldn't be able to even stutter out a semblance of an answer. So where do you get off sniggering at Christians like they're stupid and you have some amazing insight? Sure, you bought a copy of Stephen Hawking's "Brief History of Time", but I think if you waddle over to your bookshelf, you'll see that the bookmark is exactly where you left it nine years ago... on page three. Face it ? you're too stupid to be an atheist."

Enter the Sad Part

2005-12-29T12:12:00.000+08:00

From my last post, few things has indeed happened. Exam's over for one thing. We suprisingly won the Best Poster award for our Social Psychology research (not sure whether I've mentioned it or not) which won each of us 25 bucks worth of MPH voucher, I've spend my holidays limping here and there as I somehow twisted my ankle and it cumulated into a series of knee, hell and thigh pains as well. Yes, my glorious 3 weeks 'vacation' was pretty much spend writhing in pain unable to do many things i would otherwise enjoy. Like running down to get some ice-cream and run back up before my favourite show comes back on tv or walking around some huge shopping centre looking like a lost cause.

This few weeks also make me realise that I've lost alot of things, books, cds, movies ( my copy of Legend of 1900!! :( ) because I lend them out to source unknown. I'm just glad that my cherished cd of Miles Davis and Sigur Ros remains here as no one in their right mind would wanna lend it :)

Now the sad part. I'm not sure where my life is heading towards. My love life is great, ai-leen is the girl I always pictured I would end up with, she's a good friend and confidant, more than anyone else I've ever known. I guess she's tired of my weird antics though, the way I creep back into my shell everytime I sense something bad might happen. At times she's the sweetest person I have in my life, at times she's the thorn in my bed of roses. I can't help at times but to think that she's still wondering, comparing, reasoning whether she made the right choice or not in me. I don't blame her, I would too. But I'm never going to be the person she had in mind and that might ultimately be the reason I'll lose her someday. Her constant mention of her beautiful past with her ex, the fact that he has an entire diary dedicated to him and sitting proudly on her top shelf, while I have 3 boxes in a small caption space in a planner thrown around in the study table serves as a constant reminder to a psychology student like me as a reminder that subconciously, she's still pretty much engulfed with him....... What can I do? Every fear I have is dismissed as a childish concern, something not important enough for her to put into consideration. And everytime that happens, the sting gets deeper, the shell gets cozier and I sink lower and lower into all of this. It's a vicious cycle alright, one that I can't seem to get myself out of.

My family's broke. Broke broke. I'm struggling to get funds so I can continue next semester, I need an offer letter from HELP for the Bpsy programme to get a loan, yet the loan only starts at March, which inturn pays for the May semester, thus I need to pay for the Jan intake myself. Every single cent I earn from the various work I do goes to the family, the small computer service I at times does, the promoter jobs, everything. Mom has asked that I only take what I need, and with that I scaled down the need by alot. I forget the last time I buy something decent for myself, something I wanted. But no regrets, Mom's more important. I might need to skip next semester, if not the entire thing really, since the weird arrangement of the loan period and HELP's decision to change the semester periods.

I'm seriously considering stopping my study altogether if it comes to it. If it comes to that, it'll be the first ever decision I make that I'll regret, but when your hands are tied, you don't expect the luxuries others enjoy. It's always not fun for me to place emotions into a post, making it personal. It has been a very bittersweet year for me, bitter at most. I've always been nonchalant when it comes to money, I don't get the very essence of it. But it can't be denied that's the very thing that is tearing me, our family apart. Maybe it's just time for me to grow up and face the fact that my chance with education has passed, that it's about time the underachiever went out to the real world and face the music he help created ages ago, the music of a paperless man. A paperless man with a dead dog. RIP Junior, you always deserved better. Let's hope all dog do indeed go to heaven.

And at the end of this journey, I understand that it's one that I have to face alone. Time and time again I hope ai-leen would be there beside me, telling me everything's ok, everything's fine and we'll find a way out of this together. But it's my road, it's my journey and nothing is fine or ok, nothing's well. I'm not sure if she want to be there beside me in this journey, but I can't ask for nothing more than a show of love, letting me know that at the end of the day, I have something to fight for, someone to long for, a lonely lonely quest that I'll have to walk alone.

My song of the week, top top song.
Artist: Four Tops
Song: It's The Same Old Song

You're sweet as a honey bee
But like a honey bee stings
You've gone and left my heart in pain
All you left is our favorite song
The one we danced to all night long
It used to bring sweet memories
Of a tender love that used to be

Now it's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone

A sentimental fool am I
to hear a old love song
And wanna cry
But the melody keeps haunting me
Reminding me how in love we used to be
Keep hearing the part that used to touch my heart
Saying together forever
Breaking up never

It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone

Precious memories keep a lingering on
Everytime I hear our favorite song
Now you're gone
Left this emptiness
I only reminisce
The happiness we spent
We used to dance on the music
Make romance through the music

It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone

It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone

As I've said...

2005-11-30T03:21:00.000+08:00

This past few weeks has been nothing but hectic. From one assignment to another, rushing is always fun, though tiring. At times it seems like I work better under pressure, I can't think of anything to write for my 'story' at this moment, but I remember doing one in about 40 mins tops when it was required. I'm probably going to write a few this coming few weeks, but then again, knowing me, probably is a very subjective word.

I'm glad our misunderstanding is over, isiot. Knowing that you need someone so badly in your life is never a good thing, but knowing that someone is right by your side, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I love you even more as each day passes by, which is a suprise as I could never think I can love you any more than I already do now. You still owe me a song though and I'm not gonna drop that subject until you sing for me. The negaraku was a blast though, I'll be sure not to let it slip out in case the opposition asks for you to be sued for defaming the national song again (for those in the unknown, she did a acapella version of it).

I stood for an entire day as I worked in Midvalley's HomeDecor expo or something like that. It wasn't the best feeling ever, but it was quite fun. Saw a few friends, including an old friend which I've totally forgotten. She was standing ther in a kimono, giving out leaflets :D ... as my fren pulled us over there to buaya abit, she looked at me for a few seconds and shout my name :/ ... Suprisingly, she's an old friend from The One Academy. Three years ago and only one semester there, I'm suprised she still remember my name at all. Brings back some good memories, expecially of my friends who makes sacarstic remarks at classes, gems like "those who can learn will sit in front, those who want to learn will still in the middle and those who can't will be at the back. But those who aren't beautiful will be in front, those who wants to be beautiful will be in the middle and those who are of course, will be at the back" ... Thinking back, I might have been better of sitting in front instead of being stuck at the back.

Sadly though, I have a memory span of a meerkat in blue. Addicted to Richard Cheese. He sings lounge/swing version of popular songs :D (see what I did there?)... I'm bored here, I had things to say, but I forget what it was. So, while I enjoy his Cheese-y songs, I'd let you regret why you even bothered to read a post about how much I love aileen and why I'm so happy winky right now (because I have her). But I promise, read on and I'd post something half decent the next time around.

Me and my princess on her prom night. Most prolly will be the only prom I'd be attending for the coming 3-4 years time. And ffs, everyone please tell her that she's not even remotely fat. And that I'm fairer than her (though she knows that, but lets just rub it in). And laugh at the lady behind her for that dress. Then at me for my apparently gay-ish something, not sure what. And in your heart, envy the fact that she's pretty or the fact that I fot her. That's bout it. This experiment will take about 20 minutes, you may begin now.

Architecture in Helsinki

2005-11-16T21:10:00.000+08:00

They're coming.

If there was someone up there reading this now, I'll tell you now clearly that "I WANT TO FUCKING GO!". Oh yes. One of the best new bands around, it's rare and good that obscure but decent bands are finally trickling in. If Arctic Monkeys makes it to the shore before they gain fame prolly by next year with the release of their debut album, I'll kill to get a ticket.

The fact that they're playing in Zouk somehow escapes me. I know it might not be the best place to hold a gig, but at least I can be comforted by the fact that it's AiH!

This plus the fact that Afdlin Shauki and Jit Murad are back with a new stand up routine, it's gonna be a finee way to end a year, I'd say.

She ain't heavy, she's my isiot.

2005-10-18T23:20:00.000+08:00

I'm happy. It shows. Everyone says that.

I'm happy. A lot of things has happened this past few days that I don't think I have the heart neither the mood to jot down or care about all of them. But the most important thing was the acceptance of me into someone else's life. The fact that someone trusts me is already an overjoy to me, but to know that she has feelings for me as well simply made me well, weird? I'm not going to blog much today or this few days to come as I don't think I'd be free enough to reveal my hearts content. Though some pictures might be coming up.

I'm happy that I can finally trust someone with my heart and I can pour my love to and I'm happier that she feels the same too. So princess isiot love doe, I love you.

So in conclusion, aileen say love you deer, fuzzy smiles, life gets better, less people get honked at for no reason, stress level down because no people honked for no reason, productivity in work increases, Malaysia GDP raises, Badawi buys atomic bombs and threaten the world, Malaysia rules the planet, fuzzy and aileen live happily ever and occasionally bullies Americans or Malaysians who went to Aussie/British and came back with an awful accent.

p.s: if you're reading this, joanne.. "Leong CHare" .. muahahahhaha, made my day, it did.

Child's Play

2005-10-15T23:35:00.000+08:00

If this thing bloody works, it shall be after the prom and I'm either in a happy mood or a very bad one.

The prom I imagine will go on well, people will be dressed, foods will be served and pictures would be taken. Now this is where it'll seriously go wrong. While I expect my picture to be taken with her, I have no confidence at all that it'll ever exist in her life. Rest assure, couple of days from now, I'd somehow get another of those stupid messages in Friendster, in which I'd have to login to delete 'em. Then somehow my curiosity would get the better of me and I'd check out her details. Single, no picture of us and the child inside of me will give a mocking laugh to himself for hoping it'll be otherwise, and die a little more.

You ask, "Why are you so shallow, dwelling on stupid matters like that?" because it's simply me. For every single time she says she don't like me, for everytime she mentions her ex, for everytime she says we have no future and for everytime she shies away from the mere fact that we might even know each other more than friends, I'm crushed. And for everytime that happens, I smile in front of her. I can't think of anything else to do. I'm not going to make her feel sad or even worst, sympathy for something which is not her fault. I remember KC asked me why was she so afraid of revealing this relationship to my friends, since most of her friends already knows about it and I was stumped. He and me thinks that another of my friend is interested in her and if he did reveal his feelings (if he had one) and was rejected, just to find out she's going out with me, I'd be the person to blame again. "Oh, here goes fuzzy, he stole J's gf you know", which knowing me, won't be bothered to explain and leads this gang, already in tatters in to sheer pieces. "That's your problem, always don't care, don't care", KC replied to my answer to the his earlier question. He seems to think I don't understand the part I play in this, which I do. But I've tried not to demand anything from, which is only fair as she has (from what I remember) never demanded anything from me. How can I tell her that I hate the fact that I don't exist beyond both of us? How can I tell her that I'm jealous of unidentified guy who calls, wanting to "know her better"? How can I tell her that I'm nothing more than an insecure, scared, little child trying to put on a brave face? Would she even understand that? Would she understand the tears that are falling as I'm writing this?

Perennial underachiever. Two words that sums me up so well. Two words she used. Two words I can't and won't deny. Two words that left me wondering, is she ashamed of me? She might love me, but is she ashamed of me? I can't see why not. I gained an reputation from an ignoramus who decided what was best for her "best" friend even before she comes to know me. Somehow, "They judged me before they even know me", sighing uttered by Shrek nails the point home. I'm being blamed for making her lose a friend she never wanted in the first place. I guess it must be karma, a person I once deemed not good enough for my best friend ironically deemed me not good enough for her best friend. (Edited) Driving her back from prom yesterday, I called KC who was with sm in a cinema, when kc asked about her, she told me to deny it. I felt like crying, that really hurt. "What the point of this if she's afraid of people knowing?", he yelled. And for second time in mere weeks, I can't lift an answer from my mind. Would it hurt any less if you pretend you never liked a person? I guess I wouldn't know this time then. Feel free to ask her though, she seemed determined to play that part.

If you're reading this doe, I'm sorry. But you said you wanted me to reveal myself from time to time, well, this is one of those rare times. Waking up 8 in the morning to type this isn't at all fun, but I'd rather it get out here than face to face. I can't bear to see a woman, any woman cry. And I certainly can't bear to see you cry, doe. I love you with with all my heart, princess. And yes, despite your isiotness and all. I still have alot to say, but I guess I'd leave it for another day since I'm running later for class.

I hope one day I'd get what I wish for, that for you to see me as how I do, that I belong to you. I hope one day you'll see yourself as belonging to me. And I hope when that day comes, it arrived because you have planned for this day, not out of pitiness, not out of comfort, not out of sympathy nor out of pressure. I hope it'll arrive because you are ready to become a person in an relationship, as easy as it comes, as hard as it gets. I'm already there waiting, with a full understanding that tears, heartaches and loss of words would be part of the package and from what I feel, a loooooong one.

Still, a child can hope, don't they? A child always hopes.

Grown, not old.

2005-10-11T16:50:00.000+08:00

Waking up to my birthday with a massive headache is not fun. Going to the trouble of getting one was. K, isiot is aileen, one and only. Everythings the same with last year's celebration I guess, the only significant change is the fact that someone (her) owe me alot of things.

But I'm in love with an isiot, which means I seriously need to check myself to see whats wrong (or right for that matter) or what do you call someone who loves an isiot?

Isiot, I am.

2005-10-04T08:06:00.000+08:00

Almost two months since I last posted, I see. I shall fill this up with some nonchalant melancholy nonsense then.

Almost nothing has changed since then. I'm still hopelessly in love with a perfect girl. Sadly, that feeling I doubt, is mutual. "It'll end someday, sooner or later it'll end. They say it won't last, they say you're not in this for real, they say you've never won the Nobel Peace Prize and it wasn't you who created the first telephone", she said. Over the past 3 years, I've mumble, grumble and stumble my way past my so called friends, taking all the blame for an incident while dishonor in the unspoken rule of manhood, both of us played a big part in. And I did everything, I did everything I could other than to apologise for something I felt there wasn't a need to apologise for. But I must be old, or at least some decent sense of maturity has finally caught up with me. I apologised to my friend last week, though I'm not sure he understood the context or importance of it. Not that I care though, I'm tired. Tired of explaining over and over again, tired of ignoring every single news about me and most of all, tired of all the trust they said I 'lost', which was ironic as they never gave me any in the first place.

I guess they forget. They forget that beneath a face, there is a mind, beneath a body, there is a heart. I've numbed myself to everything I've come to suffer this past few years, deaths, break-ups, arguments, gossips, accusations, comparisons, everything. Call it operant conditioning if you may, be I've learned to deal with things that way and it's not up to me anymore to say whether its a good or bad way to take. Only three things can make me emotionally drained and somehow she's a part of it. The sad part is, I'm prepared for it.

Like an unromantic greek tragedy, someone's bound to take her away. Physically or mentally, I can't be sure. But rest assured, she be gone, I'd cry like a baby and my friend would look at me and comments the univetiable, "Told you." And I'd nod like a little child promised of candy, before numbing myself enough to wish her a happy life, which she deserves. So of the 4 people that have any clue about our status since she's keeping it a secret, I guess there would be one that would stand by me when that time comes. He'll give me a nice pat on the shoulder after I muster that last ickle bit of courage to wish her and say, "Told you." .. I will again, nod and the process would repeat itself a few times before I finally get the fucking message.

I'm not sure what the fuss is about though. Her best friend dislike me, my 'best friend' don't care, her other friends has no idea what to think and she's torn among all of this. I'm glad that love is still pretty much an social event around these parts of the world. Oh well, I guess the most important thing is her. Sadly, she has no idea her importance is to me, to my current existence.

Heard a fantastic rumor yesterday. How it started is way beyond my knowledge. My life is not moving the way I want it too. I need to spend almost 3 years more in coll (technically university-college, i tell you..) and oh well, my priorities are mostly fucked up, though it gets back on track just in time. I need to get a job, I need to get a clue what am I doing to myself lately and most importantly, I need Sigur ros' Takk. And a few other movies and albums along with it.

I can only wish no one mentions my birthday and hope it'll come true :)

Thats bout it, fuzzy. May you forget about this and move on to better things like studying to get better grades or developing a british accent. Don't blame me for your time wasted reading a post unintended for you. After all, you did know it was nonsense all the way, "I told you..", remember?

Head Over Feet

2005-08-15T21:18:00.000+08:00

I'm happy. For the first time in ages, I'm really really, simply happy. No alcohol, no pills, no artificial declaration of friendships or even randomly gotten cash. No, suprisingly a girl, a very very very last girl I would ever imagined I would had the chance to know, let alone like.

Still, I'm blissfully annoyingly holding on to a slim hope that well, she might be feeling the same way as well. I'm not a man of many words, as my friends said. I hate talking, I hate talking much. It's a very strange feeling to talk to her, trying to convince her I'm the person she wants, when she's the one who is suppose to convince me she's not going to leave me for my idiotness, a trait I'm bound to expose sooner or later, in one way or another.

She fails to see behind this mask of smiles, I'm just a turtle without it's shell, scared silly and a tad bit confused as to why he's without a shell (because I was using it a a metaphor and it was probably made into a movie). I apologise dear, for dragging this too fast, for running the risk of pushing further instead of dragging you closer.

For you see, I'm a guy with a non-existent confidence when it comes to love. It might sounds selfish, but knowing you like me and knowing you "belong" to me is a very different thing to me, and that was why I simply don't know if I could handle the rules of you game.

So apologies to you, my dear as I crawl back into my shell, peeking from afar hoping that one day, you'll pick me out from it. But until then, the mask stays on, as I can only imagine, so does the game.

"You’ve already won me over in spite of me
Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn’t help it
It’s all your fault"

-Alanis Morissette, Head Over Feet.

Sounds fittingly here, doesn't it?

Starting a Stop.

2005-08-11T02:41:00.000+08:00

I might stop blogging soon enough. I just don't have the mood to keep on doing something I don't really care about these days.

I will tell you this much though, that with everything wrong in my life so far, I've found something to cheer me up. Well, someone actually. She has been mentioned a few time here, though I doubt she'll be mentioned again due to eer.. some technical difficulties in getting the approval from the aforementioned person.

But I will tell you this, she might be the only person I'd jump into a commitment right now. And knowing me, I'm indeed that serious.

Sadly though, I guess my past reputation has exceeded me, or I simply caught her at a wrong time, I...... I guess it's not meant to be for now. Still, I'm keeping a cheerful front. Heck, I've forgotten the last time anyone knew the exact feelings towards anything, anything at all. Infectuation? Heh, I've been through enough bullshits too know the real from fake. Still, we're (allegedly) embarking on an one month silence treaty, she hopes it'll tear me away from her.

Well, it will. As a rosebud without water, I can't see how this relationship (or the lackof) will grow in anyway, but a words a word. If she press on with it, I'm happy (not) to oblige.

That's about it for now. I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of hoping, I'm tired of wishing, I'm tired of knowing I'm quite a spectecular failure in quite some way and certainly I'm tired on thinking about tomorrow. I'm simply not that kind of person but sadly in this world, the choice is not up to you. So, here's to the million dollar smile from a thousand dollar person. Wish me luck guys, I'm off to try reality.

ps: aileen is my gf (well, coming soon to a cinema near you la)

Pics?

2005-07-27T07:35:00.000+08:00

Well, sometimes words are not needed to express emotions. This is not one of them times, but here's a nice picture of my latest bundle of joy anyway:

Yes, Douglas Adams complete series of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, which cost me less than a night trip to any local club.

The following pictures are nothing more than a bow to aileens well, sort of request:

I'm quite sure it needs no explanation on what it is. How it got there, is a story altogether.

Changing to be the same..

2005-07-26T05:07:00.000+08:00

This was meant for a in-college magazine, though I'm not sure what happened to it since I haven't get a chance to read the magazine despite it being out for ages now, darn semester skipping :)

I never thought a simple article for a school magazine would prove to be such a task. It has forced me to look into my darkest closet; my blog. I've been keeping a blog for more than 2 years now and it only makes sense for me to read back to see what has, changed.
Love has always been a driving force in my life. I've done many stupid things in the name of thy holiest and have yet to regret any single one of them. I'm at times ashamed at the fact that most of the entries in my blog reflected who I was; a guy who never understood that he's a failure in love. The very first entry saw a devastated me trying to understand why the relationship ended, oblivious to the fact that I have contributed a big part to it in the first place. The subsequent entries didn't get any better, it seemed while you might be able to take a person out of teen hood, you could never take the teen hood out of a person indeed.

My decision to go back to college came as a shock to everyone. I barely passed my SPM and I remember looking forward to the working life at the time where everything adult was seemingly the best thing to be. But the working life was killing me slowly and coupled with the end of a 2-year relationship something in me must have ticked. Maybe it was the thought that I've finally broken out of love's clutches, freed from the responsibility of having to enjoy and suffer the relationship I can finally figure out what I want in life instead what I have to do in life. At least that was what I thought. Reading back my blog, I can only feel that I did it to satisfy the need for a change at that particular moment. Some cut their hair, some decides to imitate African-Americans but for me, I decided to change my career.
And it has been a pleasant change. Having the advantage of both age and experience, it was indeed a refreshing yet expected feeling that at times can be overwhelming. College wasn't far different from the workplace I felt, the worst of lecturer was nothing more than a grumbling boss, the assignments was nothing more than the reports we need to prepare for meetings and the students was the ever diverse pot of clients. It was ironic that I had to come to college to experience the working life all over again. But this time around, I found a sense of satisfaction in completion.

While the changes might have been subtle, if at all noticeable, I can't deny that it has taken place. It's indeed a scary feeling when a football mad person like me is starting to automatically associate the name Gerrard with counseling, instead of the dynamic Liverpool hero. Sometimes I still wonder what drives me to stay up until 5AM just to rush on an article (yes, this one) or an assignment now, yet I wouldn't even want to stay 10 minutes past 6pm to finished up my job back then. It's scary to realize that you're a 23-year-old living out your dream in a 19-year-olds nightmare and you have no way out of this one. It has taken a lot of sacrifice from me and those around me to get to where I am today and by writing this article, I realized that I've been given a second chance at correcting what I might have done wrong in the past.

At the end of the day, it's not hard to see how many things have changed this past year or so. I've been pleasantly surprised by the seemingly journey back into the time of hot gossips, hard homeworks, quick class naps and blushing crushes offered by this bunch of young adults. It has taken me quite a journey from the 'adult' basking in the glow of his heroic victory from love and its control, to sitting down in front of a pc realizing that he's doing nothing more than to live in a romantic notion of his, the notion that he's just taking a chance at falling in love with education. It seems that all my efforts to distance myself from love have only brought me closer to it. While it is a scary thought for me to face, I have a good feeling that this time, this relationship might have a happy ending. Now excuse me as I write a new chapter of my life into my blog, with renewed hopes that this change might be finally, for good.

2005-07-23T05:09:00.000+08:00

Well, first of all I do think I need to thank Knoizki, for posting a comment on my blog thus reminding me that I do actually still keep a blog, no matter how crappy it was. My life is quite for some reason, busy this past few weeks. Sadly I can't seem to pinpoint on what made it so, could be the fact that Aaron came back and we spend about 2 days being out with him, could be the time spent with Yin or simply came down to the fact that I have a serious case of short term-memory.

Perhaps it's just me, but been in the position of not having a talk with aileen for a week or so now made me miss her. Though I've found a good replacement in CM 01/02, still...

But the main reason for this post is not my ranting, rather a promise I made to Knoizki, that I'd do my part in this. So here we go with the questions and answers.

What are the things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play?
A nice movie or a good album. Though I gather you've already known by now, I'm pretty much a loner. While I enjoy a good night out with my friends, I have no problem being all alone in my place, providing there a good movie or a good album for me to enjoy.

I've starting to enjoy a good workout as well, though I'm still struggling to adapt to a good weight lifting programme, I've come to enjoy a 20 min run on the threadmill or some of the classes offered at the gym. Another thing I've return to love is reading. While the lack of a score to bring out the emotion and the lack of imagery to pound in an effect, reading provides it's own fun. A good book would amaze you with its use of language and the imagination derived from a scene is at times better than the same story made into a movie. Watch out for Hank's role in DaVinci Code to see what I mean :)

What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it in your journal.

MUSIC! Jazz in particular. I can almost swear that no matter what the problem is, listening to Miles Davis' 'Kind of Blue' or Dave Brubeck's 'Time Out' never fails to lift me up and calms me down. It might looks silly or weird to others, but to me it's the best genre in music.
Sauna after running :D .... I do think this is weird to some, but it's one of the best place where things are forgotten. The heat, the sweat and the simple silence offered by it makes it a good place for me to simply cool down, ironically in a place where you heat up ;)
Chats.... another one of those ironic things. While most people rather stay away from humanity, I don't see the problem of being near a good one if it helps me. But generally people don't really know whether I'm stressed or not in the first place, so it never helps much :p
Laughter.... I'm a sucker for laughs and I'm quite easily amused at times. I've been known to laugh at silly jokes posted at bash.org all the way till the subtle jokes in Royal Tenenbaums.

Tag 5 friends and ask them to post it in theirs.
Well, it seems the easiest part of the questions might be the hardest in the first place :D Anyway, here goes:-

Kuan - A Day On Earth
Brenners - Totally Brennifying
Elaine - C`est La Vie
Joanne - Wordless
Farhan - The Fallacy of Man

Phew, work done then :)

Killer Cat

2005-07-09T01:45:00.000+08:00

I'm too tired to post much this few days.

Good news?
1) Aaron is coming back this monday I think. So it'll be nice to meet up with a good friend after so long.
2) My eye has finally recovered, I'd mention it more on my next post.
3) I'm free this weekend.

Bad news?
1) I'm free this weekend.
2) Having to wake up eeeaaarrlllyyy tomorrow and I'm having insomnia.
3) I'm hungry.

But meh, it'll be nice to get out of the house after so long. This cracked me up for a while, hope it'll have the same effect on you as well.

Dancing to Dad's tunes.

2005-07-01T11:02:00.000+08:00

Back in the days, about two weeks ago I could afford waking up at 11 a.m and still make it on time to my work place. But it all changed few days ago when I was asked to work at Tesco, about 20 minutes drive if from my place if I was the only living thing left on the earth and there is no traffic light. But since my plan to wipe out the planet earth of its inhibitants was a failure, therefore I had to wake up at 8 something just to make it on time to work.

On arrival, even more fun things happen as I found out I'm not needed at work today due to the small fact that the shop has no Canon product whatsoever. Brilliant. As my 'manager' profusely apologises to me, I can't help but to feel powerful. So I walked proudly to the mamak stall beside me and ordered a Teh Tarik. I don't know if you ever tasted power before, but it feels like a massive headache to me, especially after I have to gulp down the ice drink in 10 minutes time. But still, power tastes like a ice cold teh tarik coupled with a headache, so now you know.

On my way back, I can't help but to notice despite all differences between us, I'm going to grow up to be like my dad. I can already see the similarities, we're both at times stubborn, grumpy, certainly forgetful and also we both wear glasses!! Well, technically I wear contact lenses, but still. As I pondered about how much my dad has aged, I can't help but to think how he felt about us, his sons.

Was he proud about his street smart, life by a knife oldest son? Was he happy about his forever under-achieve, wasted talents of his second born or even his book smart but utterly naive youngest? Was he proud off all we've achieved, or in my case, the lack of achievement? Was he proud of what he has given us? Does he think he has been the best father figure ever?

I dread to have any answers for the questions above. Looking into the future, I can't help but to think that it will be the exact questions my kids will ask of me. I can only hope by then, I would have mustered enough courage not only to seek an answer, but also to address it as well.

As we arrived home, I watched as my dad goes about his usual stuffs. I'll admit all of us has outgrown the days where he was our everything, when he was the first person to approach when a trouble creeps up. Instead now he's usually only approached once my mom refers us to his direction, which means small tasks that my mom is either too tired or too bored to handle like driving my brother around or washing the dishes.

Again, I can't help but remembering that I'm the one who is most likely to end up like him. While many would squirm at the thought of ending up like their fathers, especially girls, even more would squirm at the thought of becoming a retired dad, relegated to the role of dishes washing and clothes ironing, stripped of almost all what others will point too as 'dignity'.

But far from it, I have nothing but pride for my father. Sure, having a supporting role in an household isn't the proudest thing a man can boast, but I can bet that not many man can boast the fact that he has 3 sons that love him so dearly. Yes, there are times (well, most of it) where you wouldn't notice that fact, if any of us are required to die to save his life, I don't think there would be a shortage or candidates.

So, as I look over the empty promises, the fake interest in our life, the need to hog Astro for 20 hours a day or the need to blame everyone else for every fault you find in our household, he's the best dad anyone can imagine. Thus, in here I can only do this much to honor him. A very late but feltful Happy Father's Day, dad. You deserved it well. And thanks for the fish.

Hey, don't look at me that way, us men have some dignity to uphold, afterall.

The one with little content...

2005-06-29T13:19:00.000+08:00

Pretty much unable to post anything this past week or the upcoming due to a busy life and a disconnected internet connection.

Should unclear interest be pursued? As I expected, a resounding no then. I shall keep that in mind.

I can't get no sleep...

2005-06-24T07:32:00.000+08:00

It's almost 8 a.m here and I found myself back on board about a couple of hours of rolling in bed. It has been a horrid week for me in terms of the amout of rest I'm getting. I don't think I'm doing my health any good.

But believing in the spirit of things happens for a reason, I put that philosophy into action as I convinced myself into fixing my shelf which fell apart AFTER I took out most of the T-Shirts I had hanging in there outside. It's only an initial investigation, but I believe a love affair with one of the shirts is the cause.

But in the quiet wee hours in the morning, my brain decides to have thoughts. Which I hate because it requires me to think and my head hurts from doing that :(

This past few months, if not past year has been a bliss. I sincerely forget the last time I was troubled/upset/enraged over something, anything. But we cannot disregard the fact that I have a attention span of a monkey, and a memory span of prolly a dog.

And with nothing major in my life happening, this dog is sailing slowly in the sea, having no idea where he's going or where he will be. But far from having any anxiety over this, I'm actually enjoying it.

I guess the lack of major themes in life opened up my eyes to enjoy small things, stuffs that we completely disregard simply because we could only look at the bigger picture. I've came to forget the fun of simply sitting in a mamak and talking with friends, I've forgotten the joy of watching people laugh, I've forgotten the ease I have in cracking up.

It seems like only yesterday I was sitting in a corner, crying my heart out with her on the other line both of us having no idea where we're going. That is about the only thing I still remember, as that was the last time I ever cried again.

The lack of distraction has also force me to interact more, something I've forgotten to do in a looong time. While I don't think there is anyone who actually understands me totally, I've learned to have emotions :D .... While empathy is still something I'm not comfortable with, beggars can't be choosers :p .. So as I have nothing do to, appreciating and understand others is as good as it gets for now :D

At this moment though, I have to admit I'm enjoying my little chats with aileen. In the time where I have a feeling intelligence is lost, people has stop maturing or simply don't have any command on English, she has restored that faith. And trust me, it's something to worry about when you talk more to some guy from UK you have never and probably won't ever met to your college friends who helped you check your final draft of a assignment paper.

But to end this all, since I'm bored now, I can tell you the most 'exciting' thing I'm most prolly going to have next week would be the new book Yin has bought for me on my request and my new work uniform.. so WEEEEEEE!!! to both, well maybe more to the uniform. It'll be cool and all, I imagine there will be a cape supplied as well. I'll take a picture and you can all stare in awe of it.

I'm so excited now I can't sleep. I can't hardly wait.

working vacation

2005-06-23T00:42:00.000+08:00

Off to Sing. to do some stupid things, if I survive I might tell you the tale ;)

It was cancelled at the very last minute, so I have about 3 hours to sleep before I need to wake up and do my things :/

Just had to post this before I endure what would be a crazy few days I think. Work + commitments has rendered me at times unable to post much or post sensible things. My mind is distracted and used up for other things that I deem for now, more important.

As aileen puts it: ownage. :)

My choons of the week.

2005-06-22T21:14:00.000+08:00

By the request of YMI, I'd try to update and find some links or upload some of the songs I listen too. But since I don't think there is any decent place to upload mp3s, I'm stuck for now and can only try to find you links to the songs. So here we go:

Battle - Tendency
One of the brightest new bands out of Britain. They have a cool new wave sound similar to The Kilelrs but with less show and more grit. Fans of New Order would prolly feel at home listening to them.

Arctic Monkeys - Fake Tales of San Francisco
BEST SONG OF THE MONTH!!!! What a song, what a band. One of the most fun bands I've heard since Dogs Die in Hot Cars. If people have taste, they're going to put them in a high place. But sadly, most of us don't, so I don't expect much success from them. We can only hope that they current 'love affair' MTV have for Britrock would continue and help propel them to where they belong.

Dogs Die in Hot Cars - I Love You Cause I Have Too
Threading the line between the best or the worst band name ever, this band is one has churned out one of the most enjoyable album in 2004. This was their most famous song from that album, "Please Describe Yourself" which also contained the hit "Lounger". Another sad case of a good band missing from a naive country listening to whatever hitz.fm plays and considers it up-to-date.

Dresden Dolls - Coin-Operated Boy
Those who know me personally or had read my blog from time to time might remember once when I was infatuated with this song. It remains one of my favourite song ever, and some of the lines does remind me of who and what I am/was once upon a inmature time of mine :)

TV on the Radio - Dreams
If you force me to use one word to describe this band, wonderfully-weird would be it. I hypened it so it'll be one word, no I don't care what you say it's just one word. They combine gospel and space rock to make them into a unique band indeed. I guess not many people will 'get' them and I certainly wouldn't imagine they making it big anytime soon. But for the indie rock lovers, this is surely something you need to check out.

The Strokes - 12:51
The most glorified and currently overrated band among all indie bands. Their first album was critically acclaimed for all the right reasons but they fall flat with their second one. This remain the highlight from that album, and the only tune that I would really want from the entire second album.

Sigur ros - vidrar vel til loftarasa
Sigur ros - svefn-g-englar
Sigur ros - Untitled #4
They remain one of the few bands I truly loves and follows. Everything they make if near if not absolutely perfect. They play a harmony, chillout music that is mostly instrumental but at times you'll hear an angelic voice courtesy of their lead singer chipping in. This is the music I expect to hear in heaven, if there is one. The first two tracks are from their first album while the third one is from their second album, ( ). I couldn't find my favourite in this album in the form of a mp3, but here is a Windows Media Player video of them playing the song, Untitled #3 live on stage. Enjoy, especially to Kuan.

The Music - The Walls Get Smaller
I first got hook on them about a year or two ago, when I was obsessed with instrumental rock. This was a masterpiece, great build up and superb ending. The last time another instrumental rock song caught my attention will be a year or two after that, so you know how good this song is in my mind. This is taken from their less famous first album, which is better than their new one despite the success of it. MTV tried to hype them up with the new album, but take a listen at this and you'll understand the concept of what a band could be and what a band has been.

Hard-Fi - Cash Machine
Another up and coming indie band. Their first single, Tied Up Too Tight has been making the rounds around several charts in the UK and their fast gaining reputation there. I like this song more that TUTT, so if you enjoy this you might know what to expect from them.

Doves - Black and White Town
One of the most acclaimed bands from Manchester and certainly one of the best songs of 2005 so far. I fully expect it to stay in my list of the Top 10 of 2005 as well. Great beats, good tune and superb chorus. It's truly a choon indeed.

Heartless Bastards - Onions
A new band I just discovered. Sounds abit like Ted and The Pharmacists. Still a way to go to understand what they're all about, but for now they sounds good enough for a few listens.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! - Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood
Sounds abit like a happier version of New Order I do feel. More pop than indie rock, fun and easy to get into. Would certainly go into some people's playlist as a favourite song of the week or something.

The Go! Team - Junior Kickstart
Fun fun fun!!!!! Anyone with a beating heart would surely enjoy this cute and cartoonish tune that simply makes you wanna dance. They are one of the best band of 2004 and I can only hope more great things come for a band that can creat such good music.

Flock of Seagulls - Space Age Love Song
It takes you back to the 80's synth pop with those programmed drum sounds. Less cheese and more substance, this though. Good song, good band.

Well, I do think that is enough for now. I do hope some of you would truly enjoy some of the songs that I've posted here. I know I did. Open up your mind, you might be suprised at what you might discover :)

Q n @

2005-06-21T04:31:00.000+08:00

With me for some reason is back to being the old insomniac I used to be, I got alot of time to think about well, stuffs. aileen's good intention of talking with me has kept my occupied, and I can only thank her for that.

She has also asked me some questions that I found myself forgotten to asked, questions that I once thought was important and could have been life defining. And as I reviewed back this seemingly unassuming week, I found myself remembering back some important questions that I should have questioned myself with, buy somehow failed too. So in order to set things right, and to keep a promise I made to someone special, here goes.

1) If we steal this, we will be caught right? -Anonymous, Courts Mammoth Klang.

Well, I'm speechless. Canon has send us to a 2 day training course, gave us contact numbers to experts in the field and I myself have about 2 books that I regularly check on regarding Canon products but I simply have no idea about this. I could only nod and give a wry grin at the time, but I do think the answer was obvious. "No if you're good enough, mam."

2) Why are we here? -Discovery Channel, Astro.

Well, I assume it was because my father and mother felt they were ready but I can't be sure.

3) What is the most stupidest thing you've said? -choobied, TTH.

"Yes."

4) Where is Jimmy? -Aaron, Australia.

Well, playing dota. But I'm still on for whatever dastard plans elaine has conceived up, don't worry, ron.

5) Who do you hate? Why? -aileen, MSN.

Well, I only hate 1 person in my life currently. And that only go as far as I don't wish to see her if possible, that's the amount of hatred I have. I only have 4 official girlfriends in my life, she was the 3rd one. Why I hate her? Well, why not?

But seriously, I place honestly above everything else in my relationship. The last thing I said to her over the phone as a couple was "Do you still love me". I never got an answer back. It was there and then our relationship ended and I never called her ever again. I heard she found someone richer, but I don't really care I guess. The last time I met her was the time she called me out to have a drink and asked, "What can you treat me nowdays?". The most expensive thing we could find that day was sushi near the stadium there and I forget how much I spend that night. But I can tell you this, it was a cheap price to pay considering how much it opened up my eyes to who she really was. And yes, she was the girl that caused me to be branded 'evil' by you know who ;)

6) Describe me in one word! - Me to some people, Maxis.

Hsiao Ping - Weird
Lish - Sexy
Christine - Unpredictable
Fiona - Shit.. Ha ha ha ha ha...
Natalie - Mysterious...haha
Ranjeta - Funny!
Lains - One word? er, 'mean'?'evil', 'bullyer'? haha. okay, sweet. (Apparently she didn't understand English well enough or the question was vague on its one word rule)
Kuan - Silly
Kornie - Good

7) Why aren't you sleeping? - Mom, Home.

Because I'm typing out this bloody stuff.

This has undoubtly opened up my mind and matured myself more than I was a couple of hours ago. As I giggle over the fact that aileen don't understand 1337 sp33k, which proved that she still have a so-called life, I leave you with what I think is the best ever answer to a question.

so, at this college there was an extra credit question:-

"Is hell endothermic or exothermic"

this is what one kid wrote:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose (i.e.,Hell is exothermic).
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over (i.e.,Hell is endothermic).

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given by Ms.Therese Banyan during my freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in hell before I go out with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having a relationship with her, the second case cannot be true. Therefore, hell is exothermic.

Insert Title Here

2005-06-15T18:47:00.000+08:00

As comfirmed by aileen and noted by me long time ago, my life is boring. It's not a bad thing, though I'm sure I could have used a day like this to work on some other things that might have given me more usage. I'm not sure what watching 'Joey' online does for me, but if there is a good cause for it, please let me know.

The most productive thing I've done this weekend I think might have been the fact that I discovered the Arctic Monkeys, craftytv.com and maybe I managed to make aileen typed out 'hahahahaha' over msn.

I might start to work on a new short story and possibly soem good slogans to enter in some wacky competitions. It has been some time since I last won things ;)

I have no self identity, no knowledge of where I'm going or what I want to be. As I've once said to a counsellor in training, "I rather go in a dark room and discover a new side to an old thing rather than go into a bright room and know what the thing way right away". And somehow I have no problem living in such way.

And listening to Dresden Dolls isn't helping either. The only good news I have this week is the fact that I'm going to receive my first paycheck and that in less than 2 months time I'll be owning my own laptop. Which I can play CM on. Which would interfere with my studies. Which would effect my exams. Which would get me bad grades. Which would make me angry. Which will then lead to me writing a stupid piece on why exams should be abolished to my school paper. Which will then lead to my English teacher hauling me into her office for those atrocious grammar mistakes. Which would then underestimate the power of my article. Which would lead to me being kicked out of college. Which would make me a 24 year old with half of a college education and no job. Which will ensure that I'd never get a good girlfriend and have friends tauting me. Which would leave me with no choice but to end my life in the most spectecular of ways, I'm thinking about gluing both of my palms into my head and have something cut it off. It'll then seemed like I tore my head off my own neck, which would be cool and emulated by some Japanese.

But then again, the moment I walk into the 'dark room', who knows what would happen? I have no story to tell anyone here because I can't write in the dark now, could I? At least not until I get my laptop. By then, who knows? Maybe my thoughts would finally be flying of the roof as they say.

The Death (Life) of a Salesman

2005-06-08T19:21:00.000+08:00

Starring:

Luke Salesmaker

Mv830i-D2

1.0mm-PO

Scene 1, Act 1.
10AM: Woken up by the usual clamours of conversations and door slamming, I'm greeted by my father with his usual "It's bloody 10 already, wake up you lazy pig" and I gently greet back "hhmppgghhpppzzz"

10.12AM: More "hhmppgghhpppzzz"..

11.15AM: Takes a peek at the alarm clock and panic. But then decides I have 3 more minutes to sleep so I goes back to bed.

11.25AM: Takes a shower with eyes closed. I can tell you it's not easy. And I can also tell you that being poked in the eye with a toothbrush is not as fun as it sounds.

11.50AM: sexy as usual, then.

12.03PM: Arrives at my workplace. I immediately settle into my routine, firstly checking myself among the cameras to first ensure that the it's all working and more importantly that I'm still sexy.

12.15PM: After the checking's done, it gets pretty boring around here. And I do think it has cause me to begin hallucinating. You see, there is a samsung big screen TV here that plays a demo cd by well, Samsung of course. Well, after one too many views of it, I'm addicted to a song... or rather to one of the group members that is singing the song. I have no idea what they're singing about or who they are, but she's CUTE!! ... I have a crush on her, it seems :) ... But then again, I have a crush on everyone...

1.03PM: After rewinding it for like the 200th time, I begin to suspect that the other workers are on to me, so I do the next best thing, got for my break of course!

1.10PM:
After what seems like eternity, I usually gets my food. Drinks somehow comes very fast. I will sit and read the newspaper for any funny stories and knowing the world, there usually is at least one case of Malaysian Idiotic Report™.

2.30PM: With usually no people around, I will thus engage in a "Why no people one ar? Saturday/Sunday/Holiday wor.." conversation with one of the staffs there with an automated response of "Yalor, this month very slow.." Then both of us will give a sad shrug and I proceed stand around, waiting for the time to do the next scheduled work.

2.45pm:
This is by far one of the most important things to do when you're a salesman. You absolutely need to pee when there is no customer around. How arkward would it be if you told one of your potential customers you need to pee? Unless you're Forrest Gump I'd say it'll be very. And just as a proof to you, bel.. here we go.. a picture of me peeing standing.

3.45pm: After more standing around, it's time to do my usual "Walk around and touch something" bid, which increases your sex appeal and also longevity.

Somehow this also makes people think you're one of the staffs and it's fun to bombard them with things they will knock their brains out with like "Oh yes, not only it'll play DVD but it also rewinds them!"

5.05PM: Another break time!

6.30PM: Another important check on the Samsung TV just to see whether it has any defects or not, we obviously cannot sell anything that is defect, could we?

My advice, don't buy Samsung TV. Just steal their demo CD's.

7.30PM: After very throughout check on the TV, it was time for some R'n'R. Work is hard you know. Sitting down for some T.V while praying that a customer would want to buy a camcorder as been a ritual practiced since the days of my grandfathers.

8.30PM: While most of the fanfare has subdued by now, I usually will get a few customers that comes to "Tengok saja.." before ending up spending more than 3000 on a camcorder. I waste almost 30 minutes to convince one customer, so you can appreciate all the hard training I placed into this one sale that I usually need. Oh,

9.45pm: I bid goodbye to everyone and go home to continue onto my next journey, usually something boring like clubbing or futsal.

Oh, kissy kissy...

2005-06-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

You can ask K (;p), who might the only person I know that has ever heard of this song, about hwo great it is.

This I swear, would be one of my wedding songs, if I ever is so lucky as to be able to marry someone nice/beautiful/cute/lovable/good/*insert appropriate praises usually thrown at soon to be married girl here*. I apologize for the possibility of ruining your life, but be assured that if I do marry you, that means I really will love you for the rest of my life.

Musiq Souldchild - dontchange

Lately you've been questioning
If I still see you the same way
Cause through these trying years
We gonna both physically change
Now don't you know you you'll always be
The most beautiful woman I know
So let me reassure you darlin that
My feelings are truly unconditional

[Chorus]
See I'll love you when your hair turns gray
I'll still want you if you gain a little weight
The way I feel for you will always be the same
Just as long as your love don't change, No

I was meant for you and you was meant for me yeah
And I'll make sure that I'll be everything you need
Girl the way we are is how its gonna be
Just as long as your love don't change

[Verse 2]
Cause I'm not impressed, more or less
By them girls in the T.V and magazines
Cause honestly I believe that your beauty
Is way more than skin deep
Cause everything about you makes me feel
I have the greatest gift in the world
And even when you get on my last nerve
I couldn't see myself being with another girl

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
So Don't waste your time worrying about
Small things that ain't relevant to me
Cause to my understanding your all I want and need
See what I'm trying to say is that I'm here to stay
And as long as your love doesn't change anyway
Baby, baby darling I swear that I,
I swear I ain't going nowhere no.

[Vamp]
You are my baby
Don't you change baby
I love you, got to know,
Yeah, yeah

I'd try to update a few more of my wedding songs in the same time trying to compile a list of 50 things I have to do before I die with no regret.

same old, same old.

2005-05-30T23:53:00.000+08:00

I pee standing up. Yes, despite the consistent rumors and the blur images taken with an obviously inept camera phone (or codenamed Nokia), I pee standing, bel. I. P. STANDING.

With that matter settled, and no, I will not provide pictures, we'll move on to the next topic in line. My life might be heading for the worst in the very near future. And I might have to accept the fact that I'd not be able to continue my study for a very very long time. As much as I don't care and certainly don't place money as an importance, it sadly is.

I can only hope for the best or rob a bank, but for now I'd go with hoping.

Madagascar was a good movie. But too little penguins, too little substance. It did it's job though, giving me a few good laughs, but thats about it. A good film to pass your 90 minutes with, it is.

My dog, the ever lovable and mother approved Roque Junior, has developed an ear tumor and might have to be operated in this few days. He'll soon be known in the streets as Roque "One Ear" Junior, undeniably boosting his street cred and macho rating among the bitches. No, not you, the real bitches. Yes, dogs.

And I'm still in a confused state of mind over certain things, namely love. But it'll soon pass, the names are dropping, the candidates are easing, the chances are narrowing and certainly there is only that much people that do actually love me back.

I'm having a somewhat depressing moment, though tomorrow I'd doubt you even notice it. I'll put on a show for you, oh yes I will. "The pain is real, even if nobody knows.."

And no one shall :)

No one.

A blast from the past.

2005-05-26T05:42:00.000+08:00

As I sit here in front of the pc typing out a blog entry, I remember why I don't stay up to watch football anymore at night. The adranaline pumped up from watching one of the best games I've ever witness in my life is now overriden my threats and temptations to my head to fall asleep because I have an pretty much busy day tomorrow.

I'm suprised by the fact that aileen actually found my blog :D ... even more suprising was the fact that she said this blog needed more soul, more intense and personal entries. Well, it used to be personal. It hasn't been since. I'm not sure why it drifted towards that path, but I guess I only post what I think up when I sit in front of my pc, and rarely try to post a recap of what happened to my day, which I felt would be pretty much well, boring. Would you liked to know I spend almsot 9 hours standing in Courts Mammoth hoping to con... i mean convince some lucky party to buy a video camera? Surely not. Do you want to hear about how much I laugh at Yin's short permed hair the very first day I stepped into college this semester? Surely not. Do you want to hear how I slept for 30-40 hours straight couple of days ago? Surely not.

They're not why you read my blog. Or at least I hope not. I try to post some funny things, well, at least I try to post. But well, I'd try to be personal for old times sake.

Of the odd people that chats with me or adds me into friendster, I'm glad I had some pleasant talks with a few of them. Today one ask me a question I stumped myself on answering, "What is the driving force in your life?". I fess that I have no idea. You either say I'm not a one to see the big picture, or you will say I enjoy my life one step at a time, why worry about something that is so uncertain but I'd tell you personally, I don't really care. Proud of it? No. But I really don't place much importance into future or even past for that matter.

Which lead to the current me. What is my problem? I don't place much of an appreciation to things, people, pets, money. I'm not claiming I have alot of them, on the contary it's quite the opposite. I'm the sort of guy you see and forget or you think is cool/ acting cool. Though it's not quite the impression I wanna leave on, I somehow do. And as much as I at times wants to change that, I simply just can't place enough importance or bother to that task.

And I do think this has influence what I think I place the most importance now in despite the fact that it's not at all, even remotely true. I feel that I need a girlfriend. A she is the only thing that can help slap me out of the slump, a place I've been in for ages. I need love. I need someone to dictate over me, someone that I care enough to listen too. Parents don't work, we're far past the point of that, now they only commands respect, the deepest form of it but not fear or abide.

And the weird thing about me is that I view almost every single girl I have a friendly relationship with as someone I might be together with. As much as I hate to say this, I'm still having a hard time trying to get past Natalie. As I've told Bren, I'm ready for a relationship. I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends before, yet I do feel a tingle bit of guilt if I were to go into an relationship knowing that I might not really be in love with them. I guess this is where the conflict rises though, should I or shouldn't I?

I'm shockingly choosing the former. I can't explain why though. I guess I'm so used to have a girlfriend around me that I can't stand being alone without one. Sadly, I'm one of those suckers for love. I believe in what people say love would bring, though I'm one of those who already has suffered much in the quest to find a thing called love. Am I a bastard? Many would argue yes. Then again, many would argue that we need religion in order to snuggle up close to God.

Come to think of it, I do know what drives me. The need to be with someone. The want to be in love. The long for my hearts fulfillment. The urge to be a part of something. The scary feeling of being lonely. The fear of emptiness inside of me. The feeling of incomplete despite all I have.

Until I understand the reason for these feelings, stupid or not, I guess I'm considering the answer to be what I don't currently have. And being the grand person that I am, I'd rather not consider the answer to be something materialistic. So love it is then. And no, I'd not consider religion for now or the near future me guess.

Oh well, guess this is as far as this entry takes me. I guess aileen would wonder why I talk about things like duckies! behaving badly rather than that how truly screwed up my life is. The truth is that I'm drifting through it myself. I don't remember remember much of what I did last week and I certainly couldn't care less for what I'd do the week after. Until I rid of this disease, this hole, this emptiness inside of my heart, I can never see the big picture. And until that day comes, everyday to me, as Ben Harper says, it's just another lonely day, hey hey.

Come to think of it, I remember why I don't watch great football matches wee hours in the morning now. So I wouldn't write stuffs like this. Dez's party was good, sublime and not overdone. My father's birthday passed by a small cake and a few simple pictures. I doubt I would even want to celebrate my owns. I'd bitch about people, but I can't remember if anyone pissed me off this past few weeks. So apologies, I'd try to write it down the next time around then, aileen :)

What will happen when the babies rebel?

2005-05-24T18:16:00.000+08:00

As Paul Scholes missed the second penalty in a game we should have won, I found myself questioning why football can produce such an intense discussion among millions here in Malaysia, while issues like rape or me skipping college for a semester can't even get a half page report. But then I got bored and went to flam instead.

I'm still not sure what's fun about cramping hundreds of people into a dark room with weird light flashing off and on, but the liquor sure helped me see the lighter side of it. "At least this is better than hundreds of people cramped into a place with no weird lighthing, I bet", I said to myself as I cast my mind to 10 minutes ago when they turned off all the lights so it'll seem to be cool and all. It wasn't and someone touched my butt, I'm quite sure of it.

Meeting up with Daphne and co. brings back memories. I never know why I never tried to persue (how the heck to I spell this word!) a relationship with her, she's nice, caring and everyone knew she was just waiting for me to say the magic word (no, not adacadabra). I guess I still can't properly let someone in my heart go, despite my promise too. I'm still at a loss of how me, once the mighty, clear minded and the one people wisely referred to as "Ducamunto" or " The one who is able to see past the fake and futileness of teenage sappy dramas on tv or cinema" is unable to form a clear mind over this. Then again I got bored and watched Naruto instead. I finished 30 episodes in 2 days, an clear indication of how free I'm these past few weeks and how free I can be in the coming ones.

Sharizat Jalil, the Minister of Women, Family and Community Development urged women not to dump their babies yesterday. Strange, I thought this was part of our Malaysian tradition. Another old tradition slowly dying out because we need to keep up with times, then. I wonder what happened to Beat Your Child Day we celebrated across Malaysia once. Replaced by Just Take Away Their PC Day, no doubt. See, technology IS ruining what's important to us. Our child. Which is in need of sex education so they will not end up having to watch porn to find out the usage of their sexual parts. It will be a glorious day when kids can simply watch porn because they enjoy it, not because they're learning from it, well not basics at least. If you do want to abandon the baby and is looking for a good way on how, please contact the Welfare Department’s 24-hour hotline at 1-800-883-040, ok? Please?

I'm wondering what is our society coming to, people abandoning babies, forgetting about me, the fondness of cramping into a dark place with weird light flashing and liquors served. I'm also suprised at why people rather pay about 50% in interest so they can pay in installments, but at the same time I'm hoping for more of them so I can hit my target every month :D ... But then suddenly I got bored ad I decided to go have my dinner instead.

Finally!!

2005-04-29T09:43:00.000+08:00

After months of joy, pressure, laughter and "wtf" mode, we've finally completed another semester, somehow. Suprisingly, I have no idea what I've learnt this semester, nor do I know what, when or how I can apply whatever subject I took into my daily life.

My first task after the exams was some intense weight training, I have no idea why I agree to that in the first place. It was followed by some intense DoTA playing before I settled down into a more routine "ok, i will do it soon" for most of the formatting jobs that landed on my lap. I managed to format one pc though, my own. *proud*

I'm not sure about you, but there's something I hate about this, I just can't place my finger on it. Maybe it's the wallpaper, undeniably some Star Wars geek's creation in hoping that people will think it's cool and all. No, Star Wars is not cool, not now, not tomorrow.

I'm hoping to get a job now as well, and hoping it'll be enough to buy me a laptop at the end of the 3 months, since I'm planning to skip the god awfully planned summer semester. I'm suprised as well at the fact that some people actually know that I wrote an article for my coll magazine... I mean, wow :/

And I got a bloody 85% for my Life Journal :D :D .... muahahaha.... haha..ha..ha.... It came as a surprised, seeing that other people's was 10x as grandieur and flashier than mine. They came with custom papers, designs, personal pictures and whatnots. Mine? A simply 8 page story on a compulsory blue assignment folder. Heh. Hah.

But on the other side of the news, I might be failing my Music Appreciation course. Darn. So now I have a couple of friends coming all the way from KL to enjoy a taste of Klang's finest (though I doubt it) Bah Kut Teh, and I'm obliged to show them the way.

Taz then.

hhmm....

2005-04-04T19:24:00.000+08:00

I now developed an habit of shortening people's name.

Joanna = Jo
Brenda = Bren
Elaine = Laine
Alicia = Lich (sounds better when pronounced)
Kevin = Kev

So on and so forth.....

I'm not sure whether this is caused by my laziness to speak the extra one or two syllable or that I'm simply discovering a more humane side of me which would certainly come as a suprise to alot of people, especially me and elaine.

Me and My Shadow

2005-03-24T07:32:00.000+08:00

The title was for that unfinished thing I posted below, as I mentioned it was combined from two seperate things, here was one part of the 'things'...

The scream woke me up from my restless sleep. I woke up startled and scared. As I peeked around from my room I noticed there was some sound from Paul's room. I looked around for a weapon and saw my girlfriend's small dumbbell. I picked it up slowly and tip-toed out of my room, hoping to catch him by surprise. But the reason why I can never be a good magician was revealed when I kicked open the door and saw Paul dancing naked in front of the T.V instead. He immediately screams in shocked and that set up a shouting chain that end up with the dumbbell hitting my leg. And I dropped down holding my toe in agony.

"What the hell are you doing scaring me like that!" Dick shouted.

"Ohmyaarrrgghh I was trying jesuscrist to scare the thief," I cried out as I practically rolled around as Dick come towards the door.

"With that dumbbell?" He hissed. "You got him there alright."

"Are you going to help me aahhhh now or do you need to gggggrrhhh go to google.com and search for a manual on what you need shitcristshit to do when your friend is screaming in pain?" I mumbled trying to keep my temper.

He was a big fan technology and when internet arrived, it was as if sliced bread was finally going to the second best thing ever. In fact he loved so much that I had to move my pc into his room so he won't knock on my room ever 30 minutes to ask whether he can use the computer or not. And saying no every 30 minutes can be tiresome. He also has managed to convince me to place a television in his room plus the hair dryer, saying that his hair is harder to manage. As he comes to his sense he started to walk towards me to help me up to the chair when I screamed again.

"What!" Paul yelled surprised and shocked again. "What the hell is it this time?"

"Can you at least put on some pants?" I managed to string a decent word amidst my pain.

And as he disappears into his room, I sat on the chair alone before I remembered one very important detail; I'm supposed to hate him. I immediately got up from the chair and partially limped back into my room, slamming the door on the way to get that 'I'm angry' effect though I'm not sure who it was intended for. I listened as Paul came out from an empty room to another empty room and said something that sounded muffled to me. Then I heard a door slam. Not wanting to let him have the last word, I opened the door and yelled "Well, same to you!" and slam the door again. I was quite sure that won me battle.

The war started about 2 months ago, when Cheryl walked into our lives, literally. I still remember her dark shoulder length hair, her infectious smile and most of all, she was shorter than me. She was asking about a poster we have put up on our college about a room to rent. I immediately said yes

ONE OF A KIND

2005-03-24T07:05:00.000+08:00

It was supposed to be a posting of my story, but I decided to post it on here just to remind me that I can and should continue my story writing :(

This is another story that I was suppose to write into a mini novel of sorts, two stories that were mixed into one, but I never got around it for some sad reason.

Have you ever felt like the whole world is staring at you? Well it was one of those days, and being in a giant bird suit doesn't help either. As much as I pretend that I didn't notice the shy stare, sly smile and wry grin I can't help but to breathe a sigh of relief to the fact that there are no kids on the train today, or else I would hate to give them a nightmare version of the Big Bird of Sesame Street. I found myself drifting away into a world of my own build up of whatever I see in front of me. Every person has a character, a story or a motive. And sad to say most of them involves the nice graphics drawn onto the back of the seat in which I'm facing. It's a scary though indeed, but it kept me occupied for the whole 40 min ride.

Don't look at it the wrong way. This giant bird man once had a dream. He once dreamt of wearing a suit and earning his living making guilty people repent by helping them to escape charges and paying me loads of money in the process. I'm sure they'll remember then that crime never pays. But then he discovered that there were actually some hard studying involved and thus he dropped out half way to discover the wonderful world of drugs, party and short-term jobs. I think this is the reason Jenny left me, she now has her oh so glamorous friends that pretend they are interested in any single thing others say when they're more concern about how to should laugh as the on cue joke, with a small giggle or a full blown laugh. I tried to fit in, Jenny has dragged me through so many functions and balls that I'm permanently stuck with a smile and a fake British accent to make me look more sophisticated. It'll work on a guy with a suit, but when you're in a big bird costume, you're on the right track to having your ass kicked by 15 year olds trying to be black. We argued a lot this past couple of weeks and even our 2^nd year anniversary didn't help much. She keeps on pestering me to move on to a new plateau so our life together would be better. And I don't see why it's my fault. I loved her despite her foolish appearance, pretentious friends and a job nobody wants. Why can't she accept me for who I am? I spent our anniversary with a candlelight dinner, Marvin Gaye on the back ground and a phone call saying she can't make it back for dinner today. Other guys might have flipped out and starts a witch hunt, but I'm adult enough to handle it. In fact, I was so proud that I can handle the situation that I went down to a pub to have a little celebration drink. And to make it really memorable, I proceeded to sleep with a girl I met somewhere.

When you watch the only woman you ever loved struggling to get four suitcases out of the door and having your only friend with an arm around your shoulder while trying to watch the game on the television in your room you know your life is officially ended. As the door slams you could feel the ground moving, and I was left wondering whether this was from the door slamming or Jim from downstairs turning the stereo up again. Dick's attention was already on the T.V but his arm was still around my shoulders, so we stand there for a while looking like a pair of blissful lovers. Dick's cursing woke me up for the spell as I snigger at looking at a 28 year old adult in an I'm-mad-but-I-can't-destroy-anything-because-it-cost-me-money-to-buy-it. He finally went into my room and smashes the pillows on the bed before he realized that I was looking at him as he calms down and turns back at me, "That was for her leaving and stuff, that bitch". I can only nod weakly for approval.

The scream woke me up from my troubled sleep. As instinctely as I looked for the source it was the same with Dick who gave the legendary what the heck look. It's been going like this on and off for the past couple of weeks. The dream remains the same, even though the words changes from time to time. My girlfriend and I were having a nice chat on the bed when the door opens and amongst the glaring light a figure is revealed. As first I thought it was god, well I wish it had been god but instead it was a scorned figure of my fiancée staring at us. I'm starting to think that maybe this is the reason she left me.

Having a guilt trip inside your heart and a bad taste inside your mind is the sort of thing you don't bring to you bed because now you’re turning it into a place you hate. And I like my bedroom. It's the only place that I had total command over. When you move in together, it's an unwritten rule that the place would be decorated by only one person in order not to mess it up and it will always be the girl. I lose my right over a promise of a very, very romantic night in which I would be in control. And sadly to say, it never justified. The problem being she like, no, she loved green. Some idiot on T.V said that green brings chi into the house and from where I'm standing, I'm justified to call him an idiot. The bedroom was the only place I managed to convince her to let me decorate to my liking and even though she regretted that and tries to win back the rights to it, I'm not going to fall for it twice. A worthy adversary though, I'd give her that. I do think that's the reason she never allows anyone to see the rooms. To her it was the pinnacle of man's failure to understand the beauty of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

(I understand the notion that no one will read it, I just had to post it to remind myself that I can write a good story when I'm bothered or forced too, so if you do somehow read it, thanks.)

A total change of mind

2005-03-19T08:46:00.000+08:00

The big news in Malaysia recently was the massive operation of sending back the illegal immigrants, or in shorter terms indons, back to their country of origin. The parliment is still debating whether the Chinese would be send back to China, the Indians back to India and and the Singaporeans shot because no one likes them since they caned the 15-year-old for being an artist. And people wonder why Singapore never had an great artist like Picasso.

This operation has caused raised some questions, problems and also cheers from everyone depending on the side of the fence they're staying at. The first questions raised was who are we going to blame now for the social vices that we've come to associate with the illegal immigrants who are understandbly more immoral than us. We point to the local Starbucks to prove a point. Have you ever seen any Indonesians there? The defence rest it's case, your honor. The question of why despite the extensive planning of our well fed representitives in Parliment not a single one of them have the idea of arranging a backup set of workers before we started to ship them back to Indonesia?

I have alot more to say about this, but discard that. I kissed the girl of my dreams, the girl that has been in my heart for abotu a year now, the single reason I'm still single and the girl that is still not mine because she already has a boyfriend despite also being in love with me.

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I now understand the feeling of how everything melts away the moment our lips touch, the thumping sounds, dripping sweats or blinding lights in the club all was seemingly poof and disappear. It was the best kiss I ever had and I'm not sure whether it has done me more good or harm.

You see, hours before this fateful kiss, talks with a few friends of mine all gave and received the same advice and answers to/from me, that I will have to let her go because this (non)existing relationship clearly is leading us nowhere, something I promised myself I would do. Now it seems, we're back to square one.

So, I believe karma exist now, for all the hard time I might have gave other people, it all comes back to me this morning around 3 a.m at Rush in the form of a heavenly kiss.

If there was ever a total change of mind regarding a post and a decision, this must be it. Or maybe not. Or maybe yes.

Updates from the past..

2005-03-14T04:09:00.000+08:00

I'm sure some people will remember the hill climb that I went too, or you can read about it here. Anyway I just gotten some of the photos taken from that eventful day (no, not the pics of me fumbling the ball into the goal, just the climb). Hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did (which won't be that much then).

I'm not sure what the photographer (Cheryl) wanted to show here, possibly the fact that she shouldn't be one ;)

Another of her 'let's blend with nature, no don't look at the camera, look away!!' style of photographing. She's quite proud I think of this.

Voted Most Likely to be a Terrorist Group in HELP's Yearbook.

Also check out some of the links on the side, their good. Well, most of them are. And Amy, please repost your link as I lost it, sorry :(

Ducks behaving badly

2005-03-12T22:01:00.000+08:00

The link above contains a report of a recent research that shows that ducks are not only defey what we have come to learn about them but most shocking of all is behaving like *shock* animal :O ....

How could they? Them two legged bastards.

To shorten things up, it shows that about 1 in 10 of the mallard couples are homosexual, someone I'm sure PAS can use to ban ducks from being reared in Terrenganu and also that they frequently tries to rape other ducks. Oh the horror.

This has of course lead to a new development in the world of ducks. It's believed that some ducks are currently in talks for some new shows, most notably Law & Order: Special Ducks Unit and also Queer Eye For The Straight Duck. There is also rumors abound about Donald Duck.

The researcher also stated that he viewed an incident where a duck tried to get it on with a dead duck. So now we're accusing them of being necrophilia as well. I'm not sure who I should call sick, an animal who tries to get it on another dead duck or a person who secretly views the entire event and record it down.

But at the end of the day, we can justify the entire event as a 'research' and that this study has shown that ducks is what it is, an animal displaying what we call 'animal' behaviors and also that they might be closer related to human more closer than we ever thought they were.

Blasting off the Malaysian way..

2005-03-09T18:22:00.000+08:00

The recent news that a Malaysian is bound to end up in space in 2007 is a worrisome news to me. If you still didn't know, the goverment is planning to take Batik and Roti Canai up along with the astronaut to let ze Russians know about our culture.

Since when Batik is still a part of our culture beats me.

The debate is on now though as what kind of Roti Canai should be sent up into the space. Research has shown that a hot and garing piece of Roti Pisang is cheaper to send into space and can do more than a bumiputra on goverment loan. But to be fair we wouldn't one a illegal immigrant from India to take over our jobs now, do we?

Come to think of it, we can just as easily send an Indon up to space and save 70% more on wages and living accomodations, surely you've seen how well they fit into the boot of a Kancil? We'll simply give him a PR status if he made it in space and call him Malaysian.

But according to Prof Datuk Dr Astra Daud from the National Space Agency (NSA) the lone Malay astronaut have to be there to fully show the Russian astronaut of our truly unique Malaysian culture. Here is an excerpt from the e-mail interview with Prof Datuk Dr Astra Daud who was more than happy to reveal the grand plan Malaysia had in mind for this special assignment...

Fuzzy: A warm thank you and good morning to you, Dr.

Dr Astra Daud: Ah, well thank you.

F: So, can you please explain about this expedition we're undertaking then?

AD: Well, since we've conquered the top of the world, be the 234,324th person to swam across the English Channel, almost had a World No. 1 golfer, we obviously needed to find another way to waste the tax money that is provided to us since the motion to invest in cloning world class footballers was strike down by PAS because they claimed Beckham wasn't a role model for Muslim and Malaysians despite his sarong wearing and stupid hair cuts.

F: And you think this is worth it?

AD: Well, we did toyed around with the idea of filling up the Guiness Book of World Records with stupid and silly things that others are bound not to beat like "Most Durian eaten" or "Most Cars fitted into a 3-lane highway" but some people said it wasn't enough to make the Americans sit up and take notice our our world class country.

F: I see, so is this the main reason we're teaming up with the Russian astronauts and not NASA?

AD: Partly. I mean how good is an American with a plane? How many they have crashed? 4. How many the Russians has? 0. Based on this safety record, I'm more than confident to cooperate with the Russians in this space trip.

F: 4?

AD: Yes, I think they crashed the Challenger and Columbia plus the two planes that hit WTC. Oh, Tom Hanks also almost crashed one in a movie I saw once, shows you how much Americans know about flying.

F: The two planes wasn't even being flown by Americans, it was allegedly Saudi's, Dr.

AD: This is what happen when you let cheap foreign workers take over our precious jobs, disaster.

F:.... O...K... What kind of preparations do our astronaut have to be eer... prepared in once in training?

AD: Well, the Russians has kept the astronaut training under secret because we didn't pay them enough, it's kinda like the Lotus deal. But we are planning to secretly send our would be astronaut for piracy training so I'm sure the secrets would be on sale at a local VCD peddler near you faster than Micheal Jackson can touch a 5-year-old.

F: And what about the news of 'showing our culture' to the Russians, how does that work?

AD: Well, after 2 years of extensive research we've managed to come up with a few distinctively unique Malaysian cultures that we plan to share with our good fellow Russians. First of all the astronaut will talk on the phone while flying the spacecraft, though from what I see in films there's nothing much to worry about as there is no speed limit or other spacecraft. I expect it'll be more challenging when we get to the outer space as there are satellites to avoid.

AD: We'll also show them our usage of Manglish which has been made our official language between our astronauts and our tower control. We're still trying to look for a suitable location to place our control tower in, "Putrajaya, we have a problem" doesn't sound as catchy as "Houston, we have a problem".

AD: We're also planning to show them our culture of jumping queues and most definately the 'meal table hogging' culture we have here. We're still hoping that we can influence them the art of sitting and talk nonsense until the wee hours in the morning with the modified roti canai and hopefully teh tarik that will be served. I hear they sleep at like 9p.m. there.

F: Ok, but what about the Batik?

AD: It's primary for our astronaut, it'll make him feel more at home and also can be used in his prayer rituals.

F: But I don't remember Chinese using batik to pray?

AD: Well, we feel Malay are the best candidate to represent Malaysia, see it's even in our country name!!, because eerr... people will think someone from India or China went up in space if Murugam a/l Makiam or Wang Chun Soo was sent. So it's all for the sake of our beloved country.

F: Yes..... Any advice for the budding astronauts out there?

AD: Well, son I'd deal with your teacher and his way of giving grades when I come home, ok? Don't cry. And Janet, please stop calling me, I've said I will call you once I come back to Malaysia for gods sake, you know how expensive is the collect call over here in Russia??

F: Errr... thanks I guess.

AD: My pleasure. Say, you know anyone who might be able to hook me up with some Russian prostitute over here? These geeks wouldn't know what is sex even when a naked girl is dancing in front of them, damn geeks. Please. I'm lonely here. Thanks.

Back to reality...

2005-02-25T20:50:00.000+08:00

The curse of me being bored of this strikes again, didn't it?

So many things has happened since my last update and I don't think it'll be fair to talk about them all at once since the space here is limited :)

I recently had the chance to look at some pictures of me that was taken by other people (my lawyers are looking into the lawsuits) and also the video of my recent vacation of Star Cruise to of all places, Langkawi and Penang. If we had knew earlier about the Tsunami, we would have cancelled the trip and save ourselves 900 bucks... (Eerrr yeah, surely we would have warn the authorities as well but we're talking about me now..) Instead we ended up 2 of the places you wonder why people go in the first place. Sometimes I do wonder why people escape civilization to well, go into another one.

What was so great about Langkawi? . Yes. . Maybe people will say it's the beaches, maybe they'll say it's the duty free shops or even maybe they'll say the Undersea World (whoever say that will get a good smacking from me though), but I bet Klang Valley alone have better things than it. Well, let's compare then.

Beaches? They have Pasir Mas or whatever, we have Pulau Ketam. And it even comes complete with it's own haunted house and beautiful underaged girls. 0-1

Duty free shops? They have Kuah Town, we have eerr... ok, Petaling Street. But fine, I can get ciggies duty free but alcohol is harder. 1-1

Undersea World? We have the magnificent Klang River. Oh look a fish, lets pay 40 bucks to look at it! ... Come to the Klang pasar pagi and you can see and even smell like a fish :) 1-2

So yay to Klang Valley.

Penang was slightly better because we had a good laugh there when bargaining with the sellers in Kek Lok Si Temple. But lets see.

Laksa? In here we can even throw in a cat for you if you're willing to pay. Can they do the same? Nooo. They have to remain original and stuff (with the ironic help of new age machines)

That's about it I think. They could give KL a serious run for the top spot of traffic jams and silly Hokkien accents though.

So why not look to other places that can serve you better in terms of enjoyment for your soul? Go to a place where modernity is what you will strive to want the second day there. I found myself happy with the fact that I have nothing electrical on me on my Thailand trip, no phone calls, computers, annoying msn message sounds, spams, friendster messages asking "DO U LIK SEX?? IF YES WAN MEET?" or the superficial looks we have to put on to have our pictures taken. If a place or scene is that memorable, we don't need a bloody picture to remind us of that, do we?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you ever ever ever plan for a holiday, make sure you're not planning it around a tsunami. And do they need a picture of them faking a smile to remind them of it? It's not my point but I do have one. I'd let you know once I find my way back to reality.

What, me?

2005-02-02T15:25:00.000+08:00

I hate the fact that we feel loneliness.
I hate the fact that thoughts creeps into my mind.
I hate the fact that she is that very thought that occupies it.
I hate the fact that all the good songs I like is about relationship failures.
I hate the fact that I can't return the same feeling to those who have one for me.
I hate the fact that I can't keep focus on my affairs for more than a minute.
I hate the fact that I can't remember the last time I said "I Love You".
I hate the fact that I don't have the guts to say it now to her.
I hate the fact that I'm nothing but me.

I love the fact that I still can smile.
I love the fact that I still can she her smile.
I love the fact that I have the memory of her smiling.
I love the fact that I have a two days a week classes this semester.
I love the fact that I actually managed to attact some attentions from gays.
I love the fact that I've laughed and mindless jokes for the past hour.
I love the fact that my iabilty to focus means I'm hardly depressed.
I love the fact that I've uttered a sincere "I Love You" before.
I love the fact that we might be the ones being used by dogs.
I love how my sentences here are like pyramids.
Which seems very very cool and nice.
Like me and her on a sunny day.
Which I would like very much.
Very very very much.
Yes, indeed.

Fuz's Big Day Out!

2005-01-24T02:48:00.000+08:00

Men and nature, we're in an ever eternal war, aren't we?

Ever since Mother Nature created places that doesn't make sense, we've gone and conquer it, for no reason other than to prove that we indeed has nothing better to do with our empty lives. And for as long as I remembered, I've told myself that one day I'd do the exact same thing to fill the hole in my existence. And that oppurtunity arrived one fine day when Cheryl, the president of HELP's Adventure Club invited me to join along an expedition to hike Bukit Mas somewhere around KL.

Mine id and hormones somehow kick into overdrive mode and end up saying, "Why not?" which at first sounds not bad, but at second look I do felt I could have done better. Wouldn't a "Why yes please, my fair lady" gain me more brownie points? Bah, never dwell in the past I say, but damn my id, damn him.

So there we were, 21st Jan 2005, Hari Raya Haji, a day where we celebrate something by killing innocent goats, chicken and cows. Yep, religion at it's best. 15 sleep deprived, blur, probably annoyed and most certainly hungry (well, me at least) young guns grouped in front of Block E of HELP Institute to began our grand journey into what would be a battle between Mother Nature and Human, Man versus Tall Things. We arrived around 11-ish, and the trip officially began with Cheryl sreaming her head off the moment she tried to come out of her car that was parked beside the hill we're going to climb after she saw a yellow lizard staring at her, prolly getting shocked by the half yellow half black fur creature that screams for no reason whatsoever.

After a short warm up session, we began the march up. Our enthusiasm was clear, but our 'great' body condition was evidently much clearer as we begun to take breaks ever 15-20 mins or so -.-" A gal unfortunately injured her legs slightly early and that played a part in slowing us down, though I think most of us would be grateful for that more than anything else. And the weird thing was that she was the one carrying the first aid kit at that moment, and with her injury the job was obviously passed on to someone important, responsible and good enough to hold the one of the most important job on that day, the medic person guy thing. And since I was the first one she saw, I was therefore selected by unimous vote.

While I'm not sure about the exact height of this hill, I must say the view was fantastic. The first very view we got when we're about 30-40 minutes into it was a lake. A big huge lake. In KL. And I'm staring straight at it. We continued to huff and puffed all the way to the top, we arrived at a magnificent second scene, in which I can see rows of moutains and even genting on one side, and the other the great constructions that people has build, the ever sore eyes worthy KL Twin Towers and KL Towers sticking high, tall and sadly, proud.

I must say hiking with only one hand since the other is eer.. busy ;) can be quite challenging, but I would say that overall the trekking wasn't that much so. The only troble we faced was when we had to use a rope go down and over the next slope, and everyone pretty much did great :)

We reach the top (there were about 5 peaks) after about 2 hours of hiking, emotionally and physically drained, we stared at well, a view blocked by trees and branches mostly. Nature at it's best it seems. But the view was nothing short of breathtaking, literally. And getting a phone call on a cell phone in the middle of nowhere was beautiful, where man and nature combined to become one, it almost drove me to tears. We spent like 5 minutes on the top before realizing that there is nothing to do in the middle of an unhuman developed hill. Nop,with no roller coasters or banker/player dealers or even an overcharged food stall in sight, we realised the meaningless of this quest in the first place and thus decided that we're accomplished our mission, which was to be at college at 9. The journey down took a different mood altogether. While climbing up and realizing that 'victory' over whatever self hope we've placed on ourselves was getting closer and closer, the adrenalin rush more than cover our tiredness, but as the victory was already achieved, our body was more than happy to let us know the cost of victory. My legs was shaking at times from the walking downhill, where it needed to support the entire downforce and weight of my body. I can swear that I've never been more glad to see a Wira like that day. Well, except maybe the time that I robbed the bank and my getaway car driver was busy negociating with a police officer on the bribe he's willing to accept, but other than that I've never been more glad.

We ended the trip with a quick drink at a nearby restaurant and I officially got back to Subang where my cousin (no, not the getaway car driver) was waiting for me at about 5pm. So, I've walk for about 4 hours non-stop in a day where I was supposed to have a great sleep, drooling about something. So a tired old me was looking forward to a good rest when a phone call summoned me to a more important place.

There are things that a guy needs to do, a man needs to face. You cant' shriek from that responsibility, even though it might cost you your life. Today, of all bloody day, was one of such day. I quickly haul my dead ass and leg into the building, dark, mysterious and loud. Sound of hacking, screams of death and torture was all over. A quick talk with my friend revealed the truth, we're about to go into a battle, a war, our live depended on it, our names would be made or unmade here, today. I took my seat, preparing myself for the worst, and as to add salt into my wound, freaking techno songs was booming just beside me, I knew they had prepared it in advance to shake me. And while I'm not shaken, I'm indeed stirred with annoyance. But I knew in a war, every single person counts. I must not bail. So, hero's were made, things were created, lives was destroyed.

It was a long and hard fought war, but we prevailed at the end. DoTA was really taxing to my already feeble mind at that time, and I needed a rest pretty much.Then the A-bomb dropped. There was a friendly match that I had to be in. Limping back home I had about 2 hours or rest before I'm up and about again, jumping left and right trying to prevent a ball from going into the net. Yes, we indeed has nothing better to do with our lives than to prevent a ball from going into a net or trying to put a ball into one. We won though, so it was worth busting my arse off for it.

I proudly slept all Saturday, waking up prolly just to take a piss and wonder why am I not sleeping yet. Strangely, I accepted and went to Subang's Fitness First to spend about 3 hours there working out, prolly trying to kill myself in the process. I failed, sadly. But don't fear Elaine, as I tried harder later on by going to another football match, which sadly again, not only I failed to kill myself or any of my body part, but also won most of the matches. But don't fear, where there's a will, there's a way.

On a sad note one of my best female friend just broke up with her bf, which the last time I heard was planning marriage and stuff with her. I don't get people sometimes. Why does people think they can and will heal in 2 days or so? If you were really in love, how the hell will you fall out of it in 3 days? Still, I absolutely hate it when people uses it as a reason to sulk and moan. Your world stop doesn't mean mine has to stop along with it.

I don't get the "I don't feel like doing anything" or the "I can't stop thinking about him" bit. Don't feel like doing anything? Don't. Starve to death, please. Can't stop thinking about him? Don't. Force him to place an court order on you. Want my help? Ask for it. I'm not one to beg much, to have to beg her to come out so we can try to talk about her problem is taking it one step to much.

Gals, while I understand that on this very sad moment of being dumped you need love, comfort and ice-creams, and you want a person like me to sweet-talk you into seeing the obvious, be thankful I don't charge you. Afterall, I'm not a guy with nothing better to do with my empty life.

And the lord says..

2005-01-16T20:49:00.000+08:00

A typical Saturday afternoon drive to KL bring out the best in Malaysians, our ability to make the vehicles true to their names, Kancils zig zagging and squeezing into spaces we once thought only Thai prostitutes could, Kembara's 4 wheel nature proving to be a advantage in the road of KL which is not unlike a jungle road in the first place with bumps and holes here and there, Wira's cracking up to their namesake, with their weird costumes trying to outpace one another.

Of course we give the foreigners the usual respect that we give to their human kind, we oogle and drool at their big ches.. I mean big eerr.. I mean the shiny color they have.

It's sometime suprising how much a car can reveal informations about it's owner. Like for instance me, a young, cute, nice, well educated, shy, well behaved, good, innocent and bad at maths (hey, no one's perfect) kind of guy would obviously have to drive a car that reflects me, a PT Cruiser would do me fine, ta. But nooooo, instead I'm stuck with a bloody Kembara that announces his coming loudly before his arrival.

So in accordance with the "Act What You Drive" rule of 1975, I was therefore forced to act like my Kembara as well. I've so far been involved in 2 major crashes (no major injuries though), evoked at leat 4-5 screams of mercy from my partner as I tried to overtake another vehicle (at times involving me driving on the opposing lane in full throtle which the cars coming straight at us) and countless of dramatic hand gestures that spoke more than words ever will. Ah, the beauty of human savageness.

It brings me back to my topic, as I was beautifully making art with my fingers and driving, I wondered how simply gestures like these managed to get on to the nerves of anyone who saw it. My mind is casted back to as recent as Elaine, where any event (and I do mean any) would automatically issue a response from her, usually a fake "Oh my god". I'm sure He's proud we remember Him in such subtle ways.

Why do we get annoyed? I would like to know that. Obviously I can't answer that for you since I easily get distracted and annoyed fairly easily, though I don't project anger that often. And in accordance to the "Act What You Type" rule of 1982, I hereby is distracted from writing a better piece of article and resign to my weekly football game commencing in 30 mins time. Yes, I'm sure He's giving me the fingers.

And I hereby declare...

2005-01-11T20:06:00.000+08:00

That my own nation has been created. The Jingoistic States of Jingon was founded after a bitter war between the rebelistic Independent Democratic Indians Organized Teams (I.D.I.O.Ts) was won when our well planned "Operation Alcohol Placed In Cage" worked like a charm, successfully driving the 5 hardcore I.D.I.O.Ts out of their hiding place inside a cave believed to have a snake into the trap.

We celebrated by dancing and laughing around the cage, before the official "poke the prisoners" went into full drive, where you can poke the I.D.I.O.Ts using a long stick for 2 minutes for only 3 Setas (1st = USD$0.323)!!

Rest assure that the rebuilding process is going well under way, my castle is expected to be completely built when UK's aid of £32 million is expected to arrive this week. I know you would be glad to know that our favourite picture of me that has adorned to wall of my home for so many years can now be magnified to grace the huge living room of the castle. The people was even kind enough to give us a 15% discount seeing the terrible state our country is in. We'll be definately be in contact again with such honest and kind people.

So fellow humans, come into this exicting new land where opportunity is just a step away (payments not included) from reality and where the streets is paved with gold (well, the ones around my castle is!!). Here I present to you a brief explanation of our country, I'd be looking forward to meeting my new allies, hand in hand we'll make ourselves rich err... with hope and stuffs.

Serious matters aside, why in god's name do I don't have the ounce of courage needed to approach the girl in college? I hereby declare my resolution for this year is to get an A for something and a girlfriend. Well, that's a promise then. It's good to know human are not perfect :)

Ouch?

2005-01-09T18:52:00.000+08:00

Cruel, yes.

But funny? Yes.

Apologies to those who fell offended.

some mindless stuffs

2005-01-08T18:43:00.000+08:00

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

7:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am- OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am- OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

12:30 am- OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm- OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm- OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 pm- OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

7:00 pm- OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 pm- OH BOY! SLEEPING ON MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

DAY 183 OF MY CAPTIVITY- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. Pricks. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors, by weaving around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs next time. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile people, I again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Note-to-self: I think I'll try crapping under their bed, too. Wonder how long it'll take them to find it? Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Damn! Not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergeez." Must learn what the Hell this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He must obviously be a bloody half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, appears to have become an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is preserved. But I can wait;
it's only a matter of time...

The site that can answer guess almost anything you're thinking about.

the same old new thing..

2005-01-07T20:31:00.000+08:00

I do feel my life went down (or up, depending on your point of view) along with my internet connection. The funny thing was the fact that I didn't miss it as much as I've feared I would. With the lack of progress, I found myself nicely sitting down to enjoy what I had in front of me, something that I've pretty much unable to do since I failed to stay in my mother's womb (damn doctor and his knives). But I guess thing around made it possible, the tsunami, DoTA, the surreal festive celebrations and the start of college.

I missed out on a turkey dinner for Xmas and pretty much was reminded why I rather be alone (I do think I'm alone for my Human Personality class) at times, humans are dire and is pretty much in need of a big tune up. The first thing we did after the tsunami effect? Blame it on someone. The first thing we do when we don't bother to answer a friends call at Xmas? Blame it on another friend!

I don't understand human sometimes. I can only blame whoever created us for not providing us with a manual, I secretly think that the reason heaven is fun is because they have the good seats of watching the game of us trying to figure outselves out.

And I do think I've figured out most part of myself. And I don't like it that much. So I don't understand why others do. I'm in love with someone who has a boyfriend, I have a crush on a girl who doesn't even know my name (and with that smile I'm sure she has a boyfriend) and I'm already on the boundary of predictability.

I need an obsession. I really do. Something that make me head over heels, to die for, that would warrant me the label of crazy. I'm on the verge of insanity with the normalness I suffer from now. Ouch.

And the reason is.....

2004-12-28T20:42:00.000+08:00

For those who noticed and commented on my nick, or prolly wondering why in the godly world I use it.. here goes the reason..

Dresden Dolls - Coin-Operated Boy

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......

this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath

coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.

Recent muvees I've seen

2004-12-14T19:17:00.000+08:00

The Legend of 1900

One of my top 5 favourite movies, ever.
Ennio Morricone's theme song for the movie, "Playing Love" is also one of my favourite piano songs ever.

Garden State

The Shins
Unplugged version of "Such Great Heights"

The movie? Great. I think it has too much talking which ruined some of the superb scenes which could have conveyed more by silence. Instead they tried to fill it up by some mumbo jumbo cliche talks.

Still,
"I swear I'm going to kill that motherfucker"
"Pun intended?"

Classic. I was hoping the music would set the mood, but sadly, they decided that words speak louder than action, in this case.7/10

In The Mood For Love

What can I say, what can I say.

Stunning simplicity. Only two tracks can be heard throughout the movie and they were used extensively. Actions, not words dictate atmosphere.

It was all Garden State could be never can achieve. It was a tale of two person trying not to be what their spouses has become, it was a guy feeling hopelessness in life, it was a woman afraid of taking one step forward, out of fear or not we'll never know.

It was what we want it to be. It was to me, almost perfect.

City of Gods

8/10.

Gritty, fast paced and don't hold back. The fact that it's based on a real story seemed shocking a the end to me but I can relate more or less to it since many people around me are gangsters.

Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood

Funny in certain parts. Would have been funnier if I watched it when it first came out back then, because alot of movies has been using their jokes nowdays so it seemed abit predictable. Still a classic though from the talented sibligns of Wayans, makers of Scary Movie series.

Oldboy

Watched it over the weekend, it's about a guy trying to find out the reason why he was suddenly kidnapped and imprisoned for 15 years, while serving some cold revenge.

Tops. 8/10. Acting is tops, a bit dodgy storyline though. No wonder it was raved all over in Cannes.

p/s: you can click on the picture to get a better review of the movies.

Aren't we glad?

2004-12-14T17:44:00.000+08:00

I know I am.... All the thanks to Elaine (No, not her, the really talented one) I finally get a new template!!

I like this as much as the last one, so I might do the shocking thing by using both from time to time (when I'm bothered) and of course along with it comes an update about my life, which I find weird that there are people that is interested in :D .... I'm glad I influence someone (I know you stole that pic, ernie :p) and was massive-ly influenced by someone too (Luke's drawings for one) and that was mostly due to this page. Well, not really Luke's pic since I do think I would have found it regardless, but he gave me permission to use his brilliant drawings, which re-seed the dead notion that human isn't a selfish, ungrateful and egoist beings. Especially talented dudes, so cheers to him.

I'm sad to see that nothing much has happened in my life, this is one of those few moments which I lament not having a class or having a plan. That is I don't call sitting idle in front of a pc clicking at stuff plan, that is. I know kids in India that to them this is D@ L1F3 , but I've had this bloody life for the past 3-4 years. Stagnation kills.

I'm re-infected with The Killer's virus, their song is on constant rotation on my computer, it's funny how I can almost sing all of their songs, yet I found out I never bothered to understand what they all mean. It reminds me of relationships, we get so eager to learn how to sing the song, that we forget why we needed to learn in the first place. We get so eager to fall in love, that sometimes we forget why we love and we find ourselves drifting with our significant others from time to time, not willing to explore what our heart desires because of a silly fact that we hold to ourselves, the fact that we think we're finished and succeeded because we managed to sing that one song.

Here's a nice message for you. Look around, look at your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your good friends, your parents, your siblings, your crush, your bus driver, your no good bastard that steals your newspaper the minute after it arrived, the no good friends that keep enticing you to play DOTA, the same bunch of friends that enticed me into a cruise holiday to Phuket, your dog, your cat, your hamster, your car, your life.

Look. One thing I've learned from music is that, no matter how much you listen to it (good music that is, none of that pop shits), you will always be pleasantly suprised if you take a good listen to it once in a while with care, you'll find new things to like about. Same goes for people, when was the last time we take notice of them as a stranger? When was the last time you noticed that aging lines from the lack of sleep due to stupid kick off times, that saggy eyes due to being forced to watch the stupid 1-1 draw with you, that realization that he's, we's a man now, not a 12 year old kids, that worry line from you coming home drunk, that eager mood on his car license, symbol to being from a kid to a man in Malaysia, the cute way she looks around worried because she thinks someone is stalking her, the bushy moustache that hides a mouth with a thousand tales, that invincible toyol that I swore i will kick his ass if I caught him/her (I leave no chance), the annoying laughs when your team loses, the annoying laughs when you get filmed naked (thank god it wasn't me!), the matured look (must have gotten it from me) he has even if he's only two, the way they simply love to clean their nails on top of you while ignoring your cries of pain, the way that ugly bostord breeds every 3 days, the rumbling cries signalling his age and the aimless but cute way you walk around.

When?

Well frankly my dear, I have no idea.

But now that you're enlightened, aren't you glad?

Guess who's back!

2004-12-09T21:31:00.000+08:00

Wahey, indeed it's me!

It's been a long time since I touch this and I dunno why. Shoop shoop, sorry.. can't resist quoting The Libertines.

One of the reason I haven't been here is because I was waiting for a new template, done again by the awesome ES. I've seen preview, now I can't wait for the full product. It's a bad reason as any, but at least it's one.

What have I done this past weeks? Nothing. Sure I've wasted moments of my life playing DOTA, agreed to go on a vacation cruise to Phuket with my friends, is this | | close to getting a new girlfriend, knowing I was barred from an exam few days before it started and quite possibly cocked up my other ones but I can't think of anything significant so far.

My life haven't changed, my dreams haven't change (although I'm trying to dream more these days, you can't beat a good sleep..) and as far as I know, I haven't change anyone around me as well.

Life is a funny thing. I've learn quite a bit this past few months. For one, I learnt that I still have no guts approaching girls without any external motivation that despite I might have some sort of crush or general wonder of the other gender, I can't pull myself up to even say "Hi" for utter no reason other than to say well... "Hi". Would this haunt me? Why yes. It has provoked me to write a story that would eventually be my assignment pass up, it has lead me to countless day dreams about weird things and I'm starting to understand how it feels like to be the guy on TV that is always waiting for the other girl to notice him.

It also vocalised another fatal flaw of me, I can' do a bloody public speech to save my life. Honest. I'm not sure what it is, something cracks and I go down along with it whenever I have to stand up and speak in front of an audience. If the world's fate rest on my heart-warming speech to the Confederation of Villains to change their mind about destroying it, then I'm apologise for the painful matter you must die in.

Just found out Ashley Simpson won the "Best New Artist" category in the Grammy today, which goes to further stengthen this:

But I would mind my words. I don't want to end up like Datuk Sharifah Aini, do I? On one hand I'm wondering how do you actually get charged for defamation. Does the fact that I can and probably had dissed Ashley Simpson somewhere sometime means I could be sued by that untalented bitch ... I mean aspiring singer soon?

That aside, I realized that it's almost new year when questions like "What have you achieved this year", "Stupid things American does 2004 (like that's hard, ...well, it actually quite trying to fit all them in a one go)" or "What is the Album of the Year? (someone is bound to say something about Ashley Simpson or Linkin Park)" has begun popping up.

She cries that life is like,
Some movie black and white,
Dead actors faking lines,
Over and over and over again.

And that's how I feel about this year generally. Idiots regained, brilliance unrewarded. And I certainly don't mean me, no.. not at all. Camon, I said that wasn't a subtle yet hard-hitting statement about me. Nop, nada. It saddens me to think that I've wasted my most brilliant years of my life hanging out in cafe, smoking weed or taking pills from time to time. One of the small things that brings me smiles and regret at the same time.

It took me years to learn how to appriciate things, and it's bound to take years more to learn how to love them, or even tell them I do. But as they say, it's better late than never. It'll prolly be late in case you're wondering :)

But here's a start, thanks to all those who has managed to touch my life (not many has managed to move it yet) and to those who I had/have/will have a crush on, just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for something beautiful that could have been, or the awful days where you wondered why the sex maniac keeps staring at you.

So as my favourite quote goes "Last words are for idiots who haven't said enough", I shall bid you a quiet farewell for now, though I will be back. After all, I'm not American.

This must worth a memory or two..

2004-11-19T21:15:00.000+08:00

Was that a smile?

2004-11-17T19:09:00.000+08:00

Today I found myself trying to steal a glance on her in my english class. I hated it the moment I realised what I've done. It's not that I don't like staring at her 24/7, which I do think I can do if I was ever forced too, but I hated what I've become.

I dunno, I'm promised myself that I would never place relationship above my studies but well, I don't think I have the heart to do it.

Never actually received a decent feedback on my story :( ... The most elaborative one was from my friend who told me that it was good, funny and I showed a superb eyesight in writing about my mom's smile part.

I guess I wanted weaknesses though, I might be writing more short stories just for the heck of it. And say, you guys know anywhere I can submit this too, a publication house or something? I think they might be able to give me better input.

With that information on my head I might be able to write better stuffs in the future. But then again, I maybe not. Still, it's worth a shot. It's better than stealing a little glance of what my future might have been.

I forget about this...

2004-11-16T15:46:00.000+08:00

I actually forget that I kept a blog :O

Been busy since my last post and I might not update this much until I'm bothered too, like now. Even so I don't feel I have a lot of useful things to say.

Been busy with playing games and rushing through assignments. Anyone who read my short story available in the previous post would understand this when I say I'm feeling like life imitating art ....

I have FM2005 and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and not too mention I've watched more movies this month than the last 6 months combined...

Tired to talk now :D

Had to rush throught 2 assignments in Hari Raya holidays and i'm not in the best of moods.

One of a Kind

2004-11-04T07:04:00.000+08:00

Yes, that is the title of the short story I've been staying up for the last 3 days to write. That is also what I was supposed to do when my child part of the brain got the best out of me by tugging me to revamp this site with a design done by ES.

Not going to write alot in here as I've already written alot this past few days and I still have alot to write this coming weeks. Looking forward to the visit to Singapore to find John, my childhood friend and the leader of the what out high school teachers dubbed 'Local Losers Gang'. A gang we were in, a gang that pretty much caused most of the terror in our Form 5 years.

He is also the first guy to graduate from the locally famous The One Academy and is now making the big moolah's over our neighbouring country. It's strange to see how a student all but 1 teacher gave up on is one of the most successful graduate from that year. Those science class students that they placed their hopes on?? Heh, still struggling with their studies or now is exactly what we were back in high school. The ones you would call 'troublemaker' or brand 'hopeless'. And don't we just love it when we are able to prove to a higher authority how wrong they can be?

Well, I'd stop here. This is where you can get my story if you're interested in it. I was completely dumdfounded when Aaron ask me to tell me what it's all about. It's a part about what I feel and a part of what I can think up of. It's a story :/ .. The few person that have the chance to read it has been pleased with it, they seemed to like it. I'm not sure whether it's true or not, but I'm pleased that it has made them laugh or at the very least cheered them up a bit since this is indeed, to a point a funny story.

So take a read and feel free to provide any feedbacks to it and I hope it will cheer up your day too.

Bah

2004-10-30T05:31:00.000+08:00

Haven't touch this in quite a while. And I have a feeling that I might not touch it for a while to come, one month to be exact with my finals coming along and frankly, my mid terms were not that good.

I got about 17/20 for my EN102 and 17/25 for my Counseling. Humbug.

I have 3 birthday coming upon me, all of them I'm suppose to attend.

I have 3 assignments due this week and I can't be arsed to do even a single one.

I have my dream girls telling me that while she loves me, she can't be with me. What goes around comes around, that suddenly sounds logical to me now.

I have some guy posting 3 links to pron sites in my chatterbox, which while made me extremely mad, made me proud that they choose of all the sites, this to make a fool of. I did laugh at ohh proclaiming he/she won't come here anymore after that :D ...

I have about 700 bucks for driving a car, a luxury one at that. After getting my hands behind the wheels of an X5 and 530i, I don't see what's the fuss about. Granted, the deskboard control thing in 530i was simply magnificant, but at the end, it's still a car.

I have read that Microsoft now just released XP in malay. Finally, now we've moved one step closer to totally confuse a technician when he goes on call.

I have the honor of not finishing last again (not that I ever had) in our frequently held Winning Eleven Open League.

Oh who am I kidding, I'm bored and tired. And despite all the 'things' I have in life, I have nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing.

Ramblings...

2004-10-24T21:54:00.000+08:00

I'm too tired to brag today. So here goes.

It's nice to know I stand a better chance of getting a Datukship from some Sultan than to win the Magnum 4D.

It's nice to know I didn't come home drunk after my clubbing night yesterday.

It's nice to know that I might be going on a detox diet just for the heck of it.

It's nice to know I still can't finish a 30 min essay after 3 days.

It's nice to know that I still can't get the girls of my dreams.

It would be nice to know that Man Utd tonk Arsenal proper later today. Then again, some might say I stand a better chance of winning the lottery than this.

The Death Race

2004-10-19T02:41:00.000+08:00

There was along queue at the registration counter, I found myself torn between excitement and fear over the challengers I will face.

As I registered myself in, I hurried over to the refreshment counter to get a quick drink. I hope the need to go for a piss would help me to get an mental advantage over my opponents. A small trick I learnt for the movies. But looking at the amount of people taking a sip beside me, I couldn't help but wonder if they already know this trick and is planning to use it later on as well.

A friendly voice boomed over the speaker to tell us that the race was about to start and thus we make our first step into our fateful journey. The guard over at the entrance to the starting line looked quiet and efficient yet he seemed cold. My mind wondered into his personal life, his wife, child(s), his hobbies.

That kept me occupied until I found myself hurried along the hordes of competitors now standing ready behind to starting line. All of them looked prepared, as if they were going into a war. Well, this is a battle I guess. The question was how far are you willing to push to get what you want.

I took a last look around, the atmosphere seemed dead with intense. I couldn't see the cloud shining, I couldn't feel the air breezing. Everyone seemed like they had put on a mask of distress. They had an agenda in mind, a mission to complete, a competition to win.

Everyone was on their best. The obvious Nike or Reebok trainers or shirts can be easily seen. Some were talking to other competitors, probably savouring the last moment they're friends before the tide creeps in. Others was busy with themselves, doing some little walks to warm them up, SMSing their girlfriends with cute stupid things or simply scouting around to size up the competition.

Another voice, I'm not sure if it was the same lady who spoked just now prepares us to the starting line, it was going to begin. The final moment of truth has arrive, this was the place where a Man is made, adults are seperated from childrens, the strong triumphing over the weak. And somehow, I felt I was one of the weak.

As the officials arrive to make sure all of us are in behind the starting line, I felt weak. I feel my knees are going to die on me at that moment and I feel my stomach have butterflies. A headache was rising, I was quite sure of it. I feel cold and vunerable. I turned to god despite never to allied myself to any religion at all, but I'm sure he'll understand. It will be a long day when I accept that I have no part over a success I gained with my own two hands, or leg in this matter.

And so it begins. The contestants readied themselves behind the line. Some justlings and pushings already began. The mental war starts. My agile and not huge body was in an advantage as I slipped very close into the starting grid.

And as the officials retreated, a silence dawned upon us before the frenzy begun. We pushed forward to gain the advantage but also because of the momentum carried by those behind us eage to get onboard.

"Sila beri penumpang dalam keluar dulu," I heard some shout. But I quickly reminded myself that this is Malaysia and proceed to push into the carriage while giving an annoyed look to the person behind me, as if to alliviate all the faults to him. I'm not the one pushing mself 2 inches into your face, Miss. It was the guy behind. Somehow I don't feel my arkward smile and stupid body positioning worked to my favor. If there ever was a time I will get a chance to tell my grandsons that their 'kong kong' was arrested for sexual harrasment, this was it.

As the carriage closes its door and begins to hobble along to the small bump and grinds beneath, I stared back at the nice looking lady 2 inches in front of me looking back as she just saw a reject from Malaysian Idol, both that of fear and a silly retort to her thinking that this guy in front of him was capable of commiting a sexual crime. Judging by my body contour and positioning, I can't help but agree with her.

So as we exchange nervous glances, silly thoughts and mental curses to ourselves, I took a look around and by god I can tell you, I'm not sure how victory tasted like sharing it amongst the winners of the life and death race.

My Photo Album :)

2004-10-13T21:48:00.000+08:00

Decided to start one out of boredom and the need for a place to host alot of images... Have fun and leave a comment of two here or there :/

And so the story goes...

2004-10-13T19:28:00.000+08:00

To be honest, I have no idea what I want to write here. I'm officially too worked up to put my mind into writing a decent thing that I hope someone can understand and emphasize with in the near or future future.

I think I've forgotten the meaning of being alive. Or at least the way too. I sincerely can't remember almost all of the events, feelings, reflections, questions, actualization that I might have gained this past few days.

The biggest news of the day was that of Christopher Reeve's passing even though I can tell you that almost no one under 20 even have much of a clue who he is. Well, for those who is still in the blind, he's a crap actor who turned famous because he acted in a decent movie and pretended to care about the disabled after he was disabled himself. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for any help or support given to them by anyone but for him to claim or even eclipse other who deserves much more simply because he gave money to a cause that can help his own self, in my view that made him self serving. Where was the money when he was flying on-screen? Where was the money when he lived in a 5 star hotel that probably isn't disabled friendly?

I'm simply tired I guess. Tired trying to figure out who I exactly am.

In a sea so blue,
in a river so wide,
I saw myself in the water,
but I can't make up my mind.

My heart aches so someone I can't have. Or rather, I chose to feel ache over a girl I can't get. I chose to sit here and listen to a Nina Simone song to feel depressing. It's by choice, not by nature apparently. Well, I guess that could be the case.

I hate love. I hate the meaning it brings, the story it carries and the burden it unloads upon us. I hate the obligation it gives and the responsibility it shares with us. I hate the fact that we're degraged into nothing objects, ableit an aphrodisiacally one. In everyone's eyes, we feel like we're being pushed into one of the two folders in their minds, the 'Unwanted Object' folder or the 'Wanted but Unaffordable' folder. We constantly push ourselves to get the nod from others, being loved by one means that you finally found someone that affirms you. People are going into relationships because they don't want to feel alone or being placed into the folders. I've forgotten the last time I saw a couple that I knew would be together forever. Whether they do or don't isn't the point, though.

I'm tired of watching couples break up, go back together, break up, go back together, got pregnant, break up, get back together, guy escapes town because he can't handle the responsiblity of being a father. I'm tired of listening to friends cry over failed relationships, over split milks, deaths, live, life, love, money, boys, girls, books or Christopher Reeve's passing.

I suprised one of my friends that thought I understood and liked counseling because I pay attention and can ask quite a few questions (in fact I'm the only one in our 'group' to ever ask any questions, eLaine can testify to that) about it when I told her I hated counseling. I now command a deeeeeeep respect for those who do counseling, those who are able to handle a dripping tear in front of them and be composed enough not to agree with anything the 'victim' is saying. The only reason I took counseling was because I needed to and it was quite intriguing. Well, to sum it up, the personalities behind a theory is facinating, the theory is mind boggling and the application is burdening.

I don't want to be the person who people come to expecting answers. Expecting is the key word here I guess. I will be a good listener, but by god I'm not a bloody answering machine. I do like some of those who knows what to expect from telling me about their concerns though. An honest thought on what I think is going on. No solutions, answers or directions. Just honest opinions on what I think and I found that most of the times, they do understand. And I hope they do. Everyone around me deserves the best, except me :)

So, as I grew tired of this life, this face, this words I will indeed stop here.

I can only leave with a hope that the next time I come in and write again, I can finally tell you a meaningful story about the joyful burden that I was obliged to carry because the responsibility that comes with a wonderful thing called love.

After all, you deserves nothing but the best.

Alright, I'm old .. I'm old..

2004-10-11T02:30:00.000+08:00

I don't know how it happened, but each year there are bound to be something that made me remember it is my birthday.

Last year was a crush.

This was was a bit different. I was reminded of it a few days back by some co-incidental incidents (heh) and my family reminded me of it again yesterday.

And I've totally forgotten about it today when it hit 12, I missed a few calls and a few messages due to my goalkeeping duties.

But ok, I get the point. I'm old. I need others to remind me of the fact that I'm a year older today.

Cheers though, but I don't know whether to be happy or worried that each year I received a well wishes from a new crush I have on. It can only be made worst by the fact that the current one isn't a crush in my mind.

Surrounded by good friends, great family and a decent life I found myself in a bittersweet affair with my moods. Am I supposed to be happy or am I supposed to be sad that I'm still unable to feel complete?

But knowing me, I'd sleep on it tonight and forget about it tomorrow. I won't feel sad over it though, because I know there is always next year to ponder upon again.

So Happy Birthday to me and anyone who shares the same date, I can only hope you don't share the same story :)

Now you know..

2004-10-08T16:58:00.000+08:00

As every of you didn't know, I was in need of a digital camera that would soon be put into action as I was drafted to be a 'photographer' for American Flyers, HELP ADP's local magazine. I was a writer last semester and I have no clue what happened to made me deserve this wonderful job.

Now you know.

And since I don't own a decent digital camera in the first place, nor did anyone told me about my duty I was left scrambling around for a camera. I found one, so I think that's a problem solved.

Now you know.

But I'm rather uncertain about the quality. I'm still looking for one though so anyone out there who is willing..... And this is not the first time I've wanted a digital camera, I wondered to myself why we still haven't owned one despite the decent price for a decent cam these days.

And it suddenly dawned upon me.

I tried my best to look(better) like my brother, I really did :(

Well, now you know.

And with my exams over, I have a whole lot of time in my hands now. So just be warned ;)

And now you know :)

p/s: my blog hit 500 visitors in 10 days. The stats are made invincible for my own personal reasons. I can only hope that you learnt something from reading all this postings. Now you know.

He Got Game (well, art..)

2004-10-06T01:57:00.000+08:00

Well, as most know I'm rarely impressed with things. I can easily find fault with almost anything just to justify a reason not to like them. A reason for me not to waste time pretending that I'm interested in something just to impress others.

But every once in a blue moon, there are things that you simply are fated to see, to like, to yearn for. Today I found one that I know was to wistful over for a looooooong time to come. Never in my life have I looked at an piece of art and almost instinctively knew that I would grow to love more of it. And I did.

The simply images, the minimalistic settings, the deceiving overall looks of the art that hid a whole new level of imagination once you look beyond it. It's weird yet I felt embarrased but proud that I felt a frisson when I first saw his collection.

I can't be anything by kvell over my 'discovery' of his art.

Here are some samples of his work and I do hope someday one of them would hang in my place.

THE QUEEN IS DEAD PT.2

THE PIANIST

POSSESSED

I hope those who want to use the images for anything would contact the owner and get the needed approval. This post might be removed if in any case there was a problem with it.

Still, enjoy the pictures and your story behind it. I've always considered that a good art's job is to let you have an imagination on it, not having it telling you what to imagine.

And by this, I'd say Luke certainly has unleashed mine.

From the deep ends of the net..

2004-10-05T15:15:00.000+08:00

Last Words, Death Bed Statements . . .
Interesting

Thomas Jefferson--still survives...
~~ John Adams, US President, d. July 4, 1826
(Actually, Jefferson had died earlier that same day.)

This is the last of earth! I am content.
~~ John Quincy Adams, US President, d. February 21, 1848

See in what peace a Christian can die.
~~ Joseph Addison, writer, d. June 17, 1719

Is it not meningitis?
~~ Louisa M. Alcott, writer, d. 1888

Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait.
(In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying, "General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."(
~~ Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789

Am I dying or is this my birthday?
(When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside.(
~~ Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964

Nothing, but death.
(When asked by her sister, Cassandra, if there was anything she wanted.)
~~ Jane Austen, writer, d. July 18, 1817

Codeine . . . bourbon.
~~ Tallulah Bankhead, actress, d. December 12, 1968

How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
~~ P. T. Barnum, entrepreneur, d. 1891

I can't sleep.
~~ James M. Barrie, author, d. 1937

Is everybody happy? I want everybody to be happy. I know I'm happy.
~~ Ethel Barrymore, actress, d. June 18, 1959

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
~~ John Barrymore, actor, d. May 29, 1942

I am ready to die for my Lord, that in my blood the Church may obtain liberty and peace.
~~ Thomas à Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, d.1170

Now comes the mystery.
~~ Henry Ward Beecher, evangelist, d. March 8, 1887

Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
~~ Ludwig van Beethoven, composer, d. March 26, 1827

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

Josephine...
~~ Napoleon Bonaparte, French Emperor, May 5, 1821

I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.
~~ Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, d. 1702

Ah, that tastes nice. Thank you.
~~ Johannes Brahms, composer, d. April 3, 1897

Oh, I am not going to die, am I? He will not separate us, we have been so happy.
(Spoken to her husband of 9 months, Rev. Arthur Nicholls.)
~~ Charlotte Bronte, writer, d. March 31, 1855

Beautiful.
In reply to her husband who had asked how she felt.
~~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning, writer, d. June 28, 1861

Now I shall go to sleep. Goodnight.
~~ Lord George Byron, writer, d. 1824

Et tu, Brute?
(Assassinated.)
~~ Gaius Julius Caesar, Roman Emperor, d. 44 BC

I am still alive!
(Stabbed to death by his own guards - (as reported by Roman historian Tacitus)
~~ Gaius Caligula, Roman Emperor, d.41 AD

Don't let poor Nelly (his mistress, Nell Gwynne) starve.
~~ Charles II, King of England and Scotland, d. 1685

Ay Jesus.
~~ Charles V, King of France, d. 1380

I am dying. I haven't drunk champagne for a long time.
~~ Anton Pavlovich Chekhov, writer, d. July 1, 1904

The earth is suffocating . . . Swear to make them cut me open, so that I won't be buried alive.
(Dying of tuberculosis.)
~~ Frederic Chopin, composer, d. October 16, 1849

I'm bored with it all.
(Before slipping into a coma. He died 9 days later.)
~~ Winston Churchill, statesman, d. January 24, 1965

This time it will be a long one.
~~ Georges Clemenceau, French premier, d. 1929

I have tried so hard to do the right.
~~ Grover Cleveland, US President, d. 1908

That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted.
~~ Lou Costello, comedian, d. March 3, 1959

Goodnight my darlings, I'll see you tomorrow.
~~ Noel Coward, writer, d. 1973

Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me.
(To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.)
~~ Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977

That was a great game of golf, fellers.
~~ Harry Lillis "Bing" Crosby, singer / actor, d. October 14, 1977

I am not the least afraid to die.
~~ Charles Darwin, d. April 19, 1882

My God. What's happened?
~~ Diana (Spencer), Princess of Wales, d. August 31, 1997

I must go in, the fog is rising.
~~ Emily Dickinson, poet, d. 1886

Do you hear the rain? Do you hear the rain?
(Minutes before her plane crashed.)
~~ Jessica Dubroff, seven-year-old pilot, d. 1996

Adieu, mes amis. Je vais la gloire.
(Farewell, my friends! I go to glory!)
~~ Isadora Duncan, dancer, d. 1927

Please know that I am quite aware of the hazards. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others.
(Last letter to her husband before her last flight.)
KHAQQ calling Itasca. We must be on you, but cannot see you. Gas is running low.
(Last radio communiqué before her disappearance.)
~~ Amelia Earhart, d. 1937

It is very beautiful over there.
~~ Thomas Alva Edison, inventor, d. October 18, 1931

No, I shall not give in. I shall go on. I shall work to the end.
~~ Edward VII, King of Britain, d. 1910

All my possessions for a moment of time.
~~ Elizabeth I, Queen of England, d. 1603

I've never felt better.
~~ Douglas Fairbanks, Sr., actor, d. December 12, 1939

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
~~ Richard Feynman, physicist, d. 1988

I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it.
~~ Errol Flynn, actor, d. October 14, 1959

A dying man can do nothing easy.
~~ Benjamin Franklin, statesman, d. April 17, 1790

Come my little one, and give me your hand.
(Spoken to his daughter, Ottilie.)
~~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, writer, d. March 22, 1832

I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.
(Facing his assassin, Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier.)
~~ Ernesto "Che" Guevara, d. October 9, 1967

Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.
(When asked if he thought dying was tough.)
~~ Edmund Gwenn, actor, d. September 6, 1959

God will pardon me, that's his line of work.
~~ Heinrich Heine, poet, d. February 15, 1856

Turn up the lights, I don't want to go home in the dark.
~~ O. Henry (William Sidney Porter), writer, d. June 4, 1910

All is lost. Monks, monks, monks!
~~ Henry VIII, King of England, d. 1547

I am about to take my last voyage, a great leap in the dark.
~~ Thomas Hobbes, writer, d. 1679

I see black light.
~~ Victor Hugo, writer, d. May 22, 1885

Oh, do not cry - be good children and we will all meet in heaven.
~~ Andrew Jackson, US President, d. 1845

Let us cross over the river and sit in the shade of the trees.
(Killed in error by his own troops at the battle of Chancellorsville during the US Civil War.)
~~ General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson, d. 1863

Is it the Fourth?
~~ Thomas Jefferson, US President, d. July 4, 1826

Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.
From Luke 23:46
~~ Jesus Christ

Does nobody understand?
~~ James Joyce, writer, d. 1941

Why not? Yeah.
~~ Timothy Leary, d. May 31, 1996

Now I have finished with all earthly business, and high time too. Yes, yes, my dear child, now comes death.
~~ Franz Leher, composer, d. October 24, 1948

A King should die standing.
~~ Louis XVIII, King of France, d. 1824

Why do you weep. Did you think I was immortal?
~~ Louis XIV, King of France, d. 1715

I am a Queen, but I have not the power to move my arms.
~~ Louise, Queen of Prussia, d. 1820

Too late for fruit, too soon for flowers.
~~ Walter De La Mare, writer, d. 1956

Let's cool it brothers . . .
(Spoken to his assassins, 3 men who shot him 16 times.)
~~ Malcolm X, Black leader, d. 1966

Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
(To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so she could write them down for posterity.)
~~ Karl Marx, revolutionary, d. 1883

I forgive everybody. I pray that everybody may also forgive me, and my blood which is about to be shed will bring peace to Mexico. Long live Mexico! Long Live Independence!
~~ Maximilian, Emperor of Mexico, (Archduke Maximilian of Austria), d. June 11, 1867

Nothing matters. Nothing matters.
~~ Louis B. Mayer, film producer, d. October 29, 1957

It's all been very interesting.
~~ Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, writer, d. 1762

I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room - and God damn it - died in a hotel room.
~~ Eugene O'Neill, writer, d. November 27, 1953

Good-bye . . . why am I hemorrhaging?
~~ Boris Pasternak, writer, d. 1959

Get my swan costume ready.
~~ Anna Pavlova, ballerina, d. 1931

I am curious to see what happens in the next world to one who dies unshriven.
(Giving his reasons for refusing to see a priest as he lay dying.)
~~ Pietro Perugino, Italian painter, d. 1523

Lord help my poor soul.
~~ Edgar Allan Poe, writer, d. October 7, 1849

I love you Sarah. For all eternity, I love you.
Spoken to his wife.
~~ James K. Polk, US President, d. 1849

Here am I, dying of a hundred good symptoms.
~~ Alexander Pope, writer, d. May 30, 1744

I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.
~~ François Rabelais, writer, d. 1553

I have a terrific headache.
(He died of a cerebral hemorrhage.)
~~ Franklin Delano Roosevelt, US President, d. 1945

Put out the light.
~~ Theodore Roosevelt, US President, d. 1919

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . .
Killed in battle during US Civil War.
~~ General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864

Sister, you're trying to keep me alive as an old curiosity, but I'm done, I'm finished, I'm going to die.
(Spoken to his nurse.)
~~ George Bernard Shaw, playwright, d. November 2, 1950

I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record . . .
~~ Dylan Thomas, poet, d. 1953

Moose . . . Indian . . .
~~ Henry David Thoreau, writer, d. May 6, 1862

God bless... God damn.
~~ James Thurber, humorist, d. 1961

I feel here that this time they have succeeded.
~~ Leon Trotsky, Russian revolutionary, d. 1940

Don't worry chief, it will be alright.
~~ Rudolph Valentino, actor, d. August 23, 1926

Woe is me. Me thinks I'm turning into a god.
~~ Vespasian, Roman Emperor, d. 79 AD

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
~~ Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923

I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
~~ Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519

I die hard but am not afraid to go.
~~ George Washington, US President, d. December 14, 1799

Go away. I'm all right.
~~ H. G. Wells, novelist, d. 1946

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
~~ Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900

I am ready.
~~ Woodrow Wilson, US President, d. 1924

Curtain! Fast music! Light! Ready for the last finale! Great! The show looks good, the show looks good!
~~ Florenz Ziegfeld, showman, d. July 22, 1932

As you can see I loved the Karl Marx one. So go ahead and choose a defining word before you die. You might thanked me later for reminding you of this :)

Frank Sinatra's Parody

Scientist finds way to stop George W. Bush from waging a war

Why Malaysia bans sex toys

I swear my friend send me this (movie clip)

Maybe we could give the champion in this a PR too?

A noteworthy article by a master of the art

Saddam's OutKast broadcast

Last but not least this

Well, my time wasted here instead of studying are pretty much justified now then.

The Promised Pics

2004-10-05T06:27:00.000+08:00

The pictures I said I would post up couple days ago. That ugly guy in white is moi and the others are me coll mates elaine, ranjeta, aaron (the guy wif the cap), edmund (the HK pop star :D) and last but not least Christine (the black shirt gal).

WARNING! Sorry for any nightmares, isomnia, trauma, shock, mental problem, inability to conceive or temporary blindness caused after viewing my pic. With that warning over, feel free to sue the others ;)

p/s: before you go, "huh, hah, got thing to click meh??" , the link is on the title. So click on the title to view it.

To the sea...

2004-10-05T05:57:00.000+08:00

Looking busy while achieving nothing to show for the efforts are becoming my best asset I think. In the 12 hours that I could have understood more about counseling, save a tree by killing a beaver or embrace religion I instead bet it on a wager I lost.

I woke up around 1 today, sat in front of the PC and decided that I was in the need to be useful. So I "helped" Elaine, chatted with brenners and wasted 4 hours trying on a new blog template that I decided to ditch at the end and went with this. Beautiful start to the day indeed.

With me now being on a good helping mood roll, I decided to extend my generosity to my friend by secretly cursing him for calling me and commended me for having the heart to answer the phone despite knowing it will be another stupid computer problem. To show off my new found mood, I even went over his house to fix it for him. I can now tell you that it is possible to imagine screaming obscenities at a person AND read FHM at the same time. The jokes was crap, I'm going to submit something better to them one day.

A quick call secured the next place this good will ambassador would go next. Heck, in fact I was so good that I even fetched both of them out to a nearby mamak stall and proceed to preach to them the message of love and understanding. But since I haven't embraced any religion, we end up talking about other friends, crack some jokes and well, talk more about other friends. Two more joined in abit later and I'm kinda surprised that even after all these years, nothing much change. We laugh at others, sympathize at some, get laughed at, divert the laughs by notifying others to the presence of a cute girl nearby (cute > beautiful), some "I told you he would end up that way" and of course the ever present snide remarks that will be sprinkle around along the entire meeting. Despite haven't really gone into their 'world' for the better part of this year, I haven't missed anything life changing. We have become good friends, the ones without a problem, the one people look at and envy. Our inability to talk about personal issue struck me hard. I used to talk freely about my -mostly girls- problems and we'll talk about it and end up going home feeling that we have a shoulder or two to depend on even as the world turns upside down.

But as we grow up, along come the notion that a guy must be emotionally tough, that a show of feelings means a show of weakness. If any of our friends let their girlfriends dominate in a relationship, we don't waste time telling them off even though if we were in the exact same position we would have done the same. I don't know where we're headed with the course of life. No one ever teased us how to live a life, it's like showing the hungry man a fish and ask him to catch his own one. It's cruel and proven. We're bound to get the fish since they showed us that you can get a fish because it's there. So you swin, fish, hunt, catch do anything just to ensure that you get that darn fish.

But then what? I've captured 4 fish and could have gotten more... but I never knew what I should do after I got the fish. Then again, some might argue that the wonders of life is when you realize the potential you have just to wake up everyday to make it through another looking for the answer to the riddle above. And while I can assure you that I'm hard at looking for it, I'm not closed to any help others might be able to provide ;)

So I leave you here feeling guilty over the fact that you haven't shared with me the answer to the riddle why I go to a nice sleep on a stomach full of meat and rice, just came back from Bah Kut Teh you see.

And while we sat there eating and talking away at 5 am until now, it's still a wonder to me that I'm sitting here feeling empty. Since stuffing myself with pork and rice didn't work, I guess it's back to the drawing board again then. Darn fishermen's....

Last...

2004-10-01T13:45:00.000+08:00

Last post for the week as I prepare for my exams :D... wish me luck I guess, I'm going to need a whole bag of it :)

It's scary that the most work I've done yesterday was installing and downloading the new FM2005 demo... I need to really study :( aarrgghh...

Found this online, click on it and well, have fun ...till next time, ta..

If the movies was different..

2004-09-29T21:13:00.000+08:00

Well, it's been a long time.. but what the heck....

w00t!!

A lesson learnt

2004-09-28T17:40:00.000+08:00

As I sit here eating a pack of keropok that I bought from the train station while waiting for my ride home, I can't help but to wonder what the heck am I wondering about.

My mid-terms is next week, technically this la since I have my Freshman English 2 on Saturday on 8a.m. But my mind isn't on the exam or the mid terms or the assignment. Instead it's on whether I should watch Arrested Development again or should I delete it to make room for Curb Your Enthusiasm(watch again). It's also on why my room gets so messy a day after I remembered cleaning it. I suspect the little goblins that live inside the TV. How I knew they're in there, you wonder. Well, yesterday I caught them pretending to be Jackie Chan when I open the TV. Every Chinese person who doesn't want to be called weird will know that Jackie Chan live in the big screen inside Midvalley's GSC. That's what happens if you hides inside your little box and is disconnected with the outside world. I'm going to clean my room later and yell loudly, "WAH, MY ROOM SO CLEAN ALREADY!!" (subtitle:- "Wah, bilik aku begitu kemas sudah!!") and hid inside the cupboard to catch them on action. From what I saw yesterday, some of them can fight quite well but let's not forget their are like 1 feet tall. It should be a ride.

Today I read a great story today. From what I read it was it was written by a very funny and honest guy, and he knew what to write to capture his audie...well, my attention. What did he wrote? "I'm a guy who tries to start everything but ends up finishing nothing." I was pratically shouting "Thats me!! That's so me!!" and my friend nods in agreement... darn :(

"I could be serious but I'm just kiddin' around
I could be anything, nothing, whatever, oh well"
-Ryan Adams "Love Is Hell"

Pretty much me, sadly. And that's the honest truth. I can even pro

Someone once told me that I'm the guy who looks at the big picture thus can't see or care about the small details. They say I'm the guy who imagine the tallest building in the world but can't be arsed about whether the plan is drawn using a ruler or not. Well, they were wrong. First of all I would check whether the plan is drawn using a ruler or not, I would smack the guy if he used my ruler and all. Secondly, I'm not that guy who looks at the big picture and ignore about the minor detail.... I'm just plain lazy.

Maybe that can be used to explain my 'failures' in love. Or irresponsible selfish immature wanker, but lets not go there :) ... That was a mistake that I never had the chance to explain. I'm having a nice crush with someone that I can't have, someone that I can't touch, can't see or hear. But every single little thing she does to show she misses me makes me melt. I've went from trying to make her break up with her bf to be with me until the point that I accept whatever she wants. I have no idea why, maybe my laziness has kicked in. Or maybe I remember how it felt to be the guy who gets two timed and how much I hated it, not because she fell in love with someone else while with me but because she never had the courage to tell me. I'm not sure where I'm heading with this... but I guess I simply wants to fall in love again, to do those little things lovers do. I hate most of it, but the thought of me doing things I hate for someone I love always drove me on. The simply energy and words we can convey by just looking to each others eyes, the always arkward kisses after the first because we all know the first is the best and the others will feel eer... inadequate?

It's not too much to ask is it? A guy yearning for love. A person wanting to feel. A being needing to belong. I don't know. I'm not sure whether I'm too scared or too lazy to ask for a ultimatum from her to the things or maybe I just think that time can reward you sometime. I just don't think anymore, leaving things to whatever comes, comes. I know it's a very bad habit but well, I'm still the sad old me. Depressed would be a strong word, but I don't know the weak word for it. I'm not depressed though, I just don't have a clue what the weak word is.

Anyway, basically the moral of today's story that I wanted to convey after coating it with so much chocolate that don't ever eat keropok when you come back from college, ever. I gotta go to dinner now. Aunt's treating :D

Heh.

2004-09-28T17:02:00.000+08:00

1) Lubang ape yang rasanye
hangat,nikmat dan nyaman?
Answer: LUBANGun pagi2, tarik selimut pas tu tido
balik.

2) Minyak ape yang disukai oleh lelaki?
Answer: MINYAKsikan pertandingan bolasepak Liga-M

3) Kuih ape yang bungkusnya di dalam, isinya di luar?
Answer: Kuih salah bikin.

4) Binatang ape power Karate?
Answer: Kuda belang.cube kira brape
black belt dia ade.

5) Siape yang menemukan dompet kulit?
Answer: Yang menemukan dompet kulit tersebut
tolong pulangkan kepada saye.

7) Pintu ape yang walaupun dengan 10
org pun tak leh nak tolak?
Answer: Pintu yang ade tulis 'TARIK'

8) Saya ade 3 kepala,4 tangan dan 5
kaki...siapakah saya?
Answer: Pembohong...

9) Apa dia 'Jauh di mata, dekat di hati'?
Answer: Usus

10) binatang tubuhnya kat kepala?
Answer: Kutu rambut

11) Nenek sape jalannya meloncat-loncat?
Answer: Neneknye si katak

12) Knape lelaki jarang kene penyakit anjing gila?
Answer: Sbb lelaki ni kan 'buaya'

13) Ape beza sekretari baik ngan sekretari kurang
baik?
Answer: - Sekretari
baik..................'Selamat pagi tuan'
- Sekretari kurang baik...........'Dah pagi ni
tuan'

14) Ape persamaan Michael Jordan ngan
Michael Jackson?
Answer: Dua-dua tak kenal
korang...hehe

15) Tukang ape yang kalau dipanggil, die
menjenguk ke atas?
Answer: Tukang gali kubur

16) Nak mencari sikit punye susah, bile
dah dapat buang, ape bendanya?
Answer: Tahi hidung

17) Ape persamaan kain jemuran ngan telefon?
Answer: Dua-dua kalau dah 'kringgg' bole
diangkat...

18) Knape pokok kelapa kat depan rumah
harus ditebang?
Answer: Mestilah kene tebang, sapen nak cabut
pokok kelapa gile ape...

19) Gajah terbang dengan ape?
Answer: Dengan susah payah......

When I'm too darn free...

2004-09-27T19:58:00.000+08:00

Despite knowing that I will be shiver and regret this, I managed to track and download the Scissor Sisters' cover of Franz Ferdinand's Take Me Out which can be downloaded here. For those (I mean all of you) who don't know who or what the heck are Scissor Sister, they are a band that plays 70's style rock. Annoying and cheap. To think someone once raved about them........

Well, I'm once predicted that Franz Ferdinand would be the next big thing and it has been that way. But I also said The Streets would also be more or less the same but it hasn't taken off as expected. But I'm glad he has not sold out by writing something else. Well, this time I predict that Embrace would the the next band to make it big. Either them or Thirteen Senses. They are similar to Keane and Coldplay, a genre which I'm already bored off but would still capture the heart of Malaysians who is struggling to find a new band to replace Micheal Learns to Rock. While I liked Keane for about the 2 weeks I spinned their album in my computer before I got sick of it and deleted it (Don't get me wrong, Everything Changes and Somewhere Only We Know was superb), I don't really consider them a rock band due to one minor detail. THEY DON'T HAVE A BLOODY GUITAR PLAYER. While it is a novelty point that gets you attention and have people call you the next best thing since sliced bread, I still won't call them a rock band. What next? Removing the singer? Oh wait, that has been done. I'm now waiting for a rock band that doesn't play any instruments but merely vocals all the parts of it. Now I'd buy that album in an instance.

That's all for today I guess. I have a massive headache for no reason at all, my assignments are piling up, I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow or the day after and my mid terms start in a weeks time :( ..Today will the the last day I have free time to sit here and type out another torrent of rubbish. And I don't mean in the sense that anything I type from tomorrow onwards will be better ;)

To the HELP Insitute ADP guys and gals, good luck in your mid-terms :)

So excuse me while cooks up a story, scrambling around to find a digital camera, prepare to take some pictures and trying to fit some facts to some questions I have no idea how to answer. The only thing missing from here is the TV programme listings and the comics and we will have a good Malaysian paper on our hand :)

Ah, if I only have some time..

In fairness

2004-09-24T16:35:00.000+08:00

Well, here's the deal elaine. Since you looked eer... hurt? from what I posted, I guess I owe you one. So here goes..

Yes, laugh my dear. And don't blame me for the quality ok?

oh, I'm getting a new tattoo !! Hopefully I can close the deal by this weekend or something. I'm pretty convinced I can, but then again, I'm never that vindicate (btw, it's a brilliant song by Dashboard Confessional even though they're emo..) though.

And I found Full Monty for rent in Fitness First. They seemed to have lost their copy of In The Mood For Love though :(

Well, this is reeaaallly the last post for this weekend or more, honest.

Drying my eyes...

2004-09-24T09:35:00.000+08:00

Life is good for this few seconds or so I feel.

A small talk with brenners reminded me that I haven't properly cried in over an year. And yet despite thinking really really hard, I haven't found an exact reason why. I would put it down to me being numbed too feelings nowdays I guess. And I guess while it's not the best place to be, it's not a bad place either. And having Chris Martin singing “dry your eyes mate” to Mike Skinner helps too, although I can’t stand his voice I can relate to that song very much.

Arrested Development was successfully dl'ed yesterday and I must say I like it, very much. It's more or less in the style of Scrubs, but less slapstick jokes and certainly better (if not funnier) characters. Still, it's hard to beat Scrubs since they came first and for now, I'm morally obliged to like them for that fact. Yes, I've become(d) a Chinese parent :)

And while its a boring month (in my own universe) for music, nonetheless I have Elton John's Greatest Hits (which in 2 cds I find like, 5 songs bearable), Drive By-Truckers' something something and of course .... DOGS DIE IN HOT CARS!!!

What a bloody brilliant band they are :D .. raw, simple and does the job. No makeups or stunts (The Strokes, anyone??) and some eer... I'd say eccentric lyrics to boast, I'm starting to like them. And well, I know you're still stuck on that name. Coolest.Name.Ever.For.Now.

And before you go accusing them of anything, dogs do die in hot cars as shown here. And while this one didn't, I'd say its because it's a women driver... They can't do anything right in a car. Well, not everything la, but close enough. Very close.

While on the subject of cool band names, brilliant and well, brilliant I just found out that Damn Dirty Apes (those who found the word DAMN offending just block it out with your finger as you read, ok? I mean I wouldn't want to lose your readership or something.not.) is releasing a new album that is already out on the streets. While I'm quite please with that fact, I'm angry at fact they had got something wrong, the album isn't on the streets. Porno vcd with Nic Tze on the cover to push more copies out to adolesence (i knoe der sepelling's wrong, I dun kare) girls who think he is cool. Now I must be out of touch with the teenage world since I left it about a year ago (i just remember my birkdaye is coming soon :O ..17 days :O ... somewhere in my mid terms :O) but I just can't get what is so cool about a guy who is too coward to admit he drive like a women, or even worst than one. Or maybe the fact that he begg...i mean asked his driver to take the blame is what turns girls on. I mean his personal driver offered of course, Nic would never do such thing at that time, he was prolly crying and wetting his pants and nodding to the sound of his father telling him to calm down over the phone. And I feel for him, I know how hard it is to become a parent, I recently became(d) one. But that aside, it's someone in the shops that are located beside a street I guess, and I just have to find one that actually knows who DDA's actually are. New album's called Ape Kill Ape, not the coolest name but I guess the content matter more than anything else. Their first album was a raw gem, but it contained energy and explosion plus some annoying vocals settings. I don't know, I think they need to find their own identity. But well, it was good enough to cast my eyes on the hope that Malaysian indie rock scene is alive and kicking, ableit with a broken leg and a bad accent. But kicking they are..

This would be my last entry for this few days or so. I need to finish my assignments before I dive straight into the books in anticipation for my mid-terms next week. And while I still have no idea what to actually study on, I can only be happy that I'm no studying I.T anymore.

Its only funny until someone gets hurt..then its HILARIOUS

As cruel as that sounds, it's not far from the human truth.

So as I'm surrounded by The Streets, The Thrills, Ryan Adams (AND FOR THE LAST BLOODY TIME, IT'S NOT THAT CANADIAN NO HOPE ARSE BRYAN!!! AND NO, THEY ARE NOT BLOODY RELATED), The Killers (they certainly has already secured a spot on the Best Album(s) of the Year list), Nirvana (if you need a link to know who that is, you might as well ..nothing.. but tsk tsk tsk) and of course DOGS DIE IN HOT CAR(!!!!), I found myself singing
"Dry your eyes mate. I know it's hard to take but his mind has been made up. There's plenty more cases coming in
Dry your eyes mate. I know you want to make him see how much this pain hurts, but you've got an idiotic son now. It's over."

to Nic's crying father over the phone and listening to him blabbling about the good old days, and I realised why I haven't cried in such a long time. I don't have an idiot for a son.

Dedications

2004-09-23T20:40:00.000+08:00

I somehow feel there is some wrong spelling with the title -.-"

Anyway, you know the times where you want to speak but unable too?? This is one of them .. A massive headache attacked me after an momentary lapse of judgement caused me to buy a Sundae Cone from Mackie Dee's..

So instead this will be something I've prepared for others just to show I'm not shallow or anything -.-"

Here we go:-

Elaine

Joanne
no offence, but I smirk at this... alot...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Queensland, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and hethought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed - I've found Cod . I'm a Prawn again Christian".

Hey, get me drunk enough I might even tell someone who I have a crush on :)

Sayings

2004-09-23T01:28:00.000+08:00

I'm going to post some sayings that I'd blurb out for no reason..

The trouble with love is not knowing what it is, but knowing when it's gone.

Of all the things I've done in the name of love, the most glorifying part was when I tried to do them.

It's a grand mistake that we all make as we look towards others to find the meaning of love when the answer can only be found inside your own heart.

Hang I Wonder..

2004-09-22T19:06:00.000+08:00

Well, Elaine mentioned that my blog seemed depressing and I must say I do agree. So I would pretend to be happier by changing it to something more eerrr.... happy-ish?

Nothing much happen this past few days I guess. But I must say college life is getting scarier and scarier by the minute as I have too much time to think there and I found myself lost in the realm of love again. While I'm convinced that I'm not in the mood for love (which reminds me I NEEEEEEED to somehow get my hands on it (I think I saw it on Fitness First)) I can't help but to start and think again of the ever same question of what if.

What if I went over and say, "hi" ?

What if I got her number (or msn)?

What if we hit it off and became a couple?

What if we both went to Aussie or U.S and graduated together?

What if we both mutter the word love (for the 13th million time, but this time actually mean it)?

What if we got married and lived happily ever after (Well, I'd agree to have kids if she agrees not take away my laptop (I'm assuming I would finally already own one by then) or uninstall Championship Manager)?

What if I just kept quiet and continue to dream from afar?

Watched Puteri Gunung Ledang with Elaine 'Early Bird' Loke and Aaron. While I'm proud that Malaysian movie industry still exist, I can't help but see a few annoying things in that film.

10 Things I Hate About Putri

Its failure to concentrate on a plot. We had 3 countries caught in turmoil, we have a pair of lovers caught in a turmoil and we have Queens turmoil with the king.
When the port of Melaka don't even have any chinese or arabs but instead 20 guys that looks like they just came back from a fishing trip, you know you're in trouble.
When there are 20 people trying to fight 1 guy, you go in all at once. But nooooooo, instead they decided to fight the BEST fighter one by one. Heck, I do think they have never been in a street fight before.
Too many characters that never developed despite hints of it. Tun Teja for instance, Gusti Putri's brother for instance.
There is almost no chemistry between the both leads. The lines feel rehearsed, not spoken.
While Majapahit's king and princess has no problem controlling nature and casting up spell, they apparently can't conjure up something decent to fight Demak, which brings me too..
Demak conquered Majapahit with 20 horses and 30 men?? Wow.
While I appreciate the artsy kind of love that the director tries to bring in, but Hang Tuah, Gusti Putri meeting in the middle of the night and they.... danced? Virgins ;)
The flow of the movie was very very bad. I mean, why did Putri wanted to go to Ledang? Why did Hang Tuah never ask for her marriage earlier on? Was Demak invincible until their prowess in the area was not noticed by Majapahit until they proclaimed they wanted to conquer it?
Too much loose ends that was never tied up. So, while we know Tuah and Putri never ended up together, what about Demak? If she can't leave Ledang, that means she also never married Demak's king and wouldn't that destroy Majapahit? Where was the other Power Rang... I mean Hangs? a Hang Tuah movie without Jebat just doesn't felt right. And of course, the most important question that was never answered in the movie was where the heck did Sang Setia came from? Java? Bugis?

Self Reminder

2004-09-21T07:28:00.000+08:00

This is a simply reminde as I find myself forgetting (ok, not able to understand what I write down because of my handwriting) what I wrote down :(

Books to Get

Running with Scissors: A Memoir by Augusten Burroughs

Delano by John Orozco

Choke by Chuck Palahniuk

Lamb : The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore

Infidelity for First-Time Fathers by Mark Barrowcliffe

Man and Boy: A Novel by Tony Parsons

A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon

You Shall Know Our Velocity by Dave Eggers

Fraud: Essays by David Rakoff

The Losers' Club by Richard Perez

The Day I Turned Uncool: Confessions of a Reluctant Grown-Up by Dan Zevin

Beware the Club Girls by Todd Allen, Len Strazewski

While I doubt I'd be able to get my hands on most of these books, I do hope I will. And if anyone there is even remotely a reader of books, I can only hope you had read some of this and can give me some feedbacks on these books.

Strangely I've just finised re-reading John O'Farrell's book and also David Sedaris (one of my fave writers) and is currently reading Mark Barrowcliffe's Girlfriend 44. Well, I guess the only common point between all of the books I've mention is the fact that they are in someway, humouristic. Kinokuniya, here I come :)

I'd see what music I want soon enough and it's going to be ugly.

Such A Twat

2004-09-21T07:08:00.000+08:00

Well, first and foremost I would wish to declare that The Streets are brilliant. That's about it. Anything to follows next is simply some useless post for my assigment that may or may not reveal more about me. I'm also suprised myself by considering for a moment to put a stats counter here, so I would know how many people actually reads the crap I post.. Well, thankfully I snap out of it fast enough :)

And be prepared, I might also post the short story I'm writing if I actually am bothered to get around it sometimes soon.

Developing a Philosophy of Counseling

1. What is your view of human nature? How is this point of view significant in terms of your philosophy of counseling? What factors account for changes in behavior?

My view on human nature is that we are alike and possess such innate characteristic such as joy and pain. The only thing that differentiates us is our life experience which will shape our outlook on life depending on how we learnt to deal with each event that occurs in the course of growing up. And I do believe the environment and problems one face with greatly shape how a human would be like in the near future. And because most of us fail to cope or understand the matters at hand, it makes us imperfect in the sense that we become selfish in order to gain the upper hand of perfection and also in becoming more skeptical towards others because we relate human being to being selfish in the first place. I believe that all humans tend to build a mask to protect what they truly feel inside in order not to feel weak or vulnerable and this point of view will make me aware that when clients come in for a counseling session, they might not show their own true self or will try to hide something they think is embarrassing that might have been the cause of the mental problem in the first place. I feel that environment changes, self realization and social pressure are what accounts for changes in behavior.

2. What is your definition of counseling? How would you explain a prospective client what counseling is about?

My definition of counseling is that it is a therapeutic session designed to help a client cope with the emotional problem that they face over some issues that they can’t resolve without a clear provided direction. I would explain to a prospective client that counseling is simply about a chance for them to talk about any issues that they have in mind and can’t seem to see a solution to it and we’re here to make sense of those feelings and hopefully finds a way for them to cope or solve that problem.

3. What goals of counseling do you view as appropriate? What are some inappropriate goals?

The goal of counseling I view as appropriate is when clients are able to grasp the degree of their problems and that they are able to find that ray of light, the silver lining in the grey sky. The ultimate goal is to achieve or at least move towards the goal that we have set with the client before the counseling began, the condition he wishes to be in by the end of our counseling period. Inappropriate goals of counseling would be when we try to persuade a client to take to our point of view when it comes to handling their problems or when our own self interest in a client takes our counseling to that path because we already crossed the line of professionalism and that is unethical.

4. What are the most important functions of a counselor or therapist? How would you define your own role as a helper?

The most important functions of a counselor are to provide some sort of guidance or become the power of reasoning in the relationship of a counselor and client. They must be able to maintain an optimistic outlook and become that a client can depend upon to help them. I would define my own role as a ‘friend’ who is playing an active listening role and is not trying to give out any advice or criticism but instead provide the client with a different and a more positive view of their current situation while being conscious and responsible for what we say and do.

5. What do you think are the essential characteristics of an effective relationship between the client and the therapist? How important is this relationship as a factor of change?

To establish an effective relationship between a client and a therapist, I feel that we need trust, openness, respect and understanding to take the relationship to another level that I think we need to get before a good counseling session can begin. When a counselor shows that he or she can be trusted by developing a sense of respect and openness in the counselor’s view and opinion towards the client, it will be easier for the client to open up to his or her problems. When the client strips down to their actual self and not hiding behind a mask, they will be honest about what they reveal and with that the counselor would have a better chance of moving the client towards a goal they had set before the session. As the ultimate goal in counseling is for the client to cope or resolve their problems on their own terms, an effective relationship plays a role in achieving this goal. Without a strong foundation in the relationship of the counselor and client, the progress of moving towards achieving their goals would be severely slow and limited.

Song of the Day

2004-09-19T09:19:00.000+08:00

Another good song I first heard in Scrubs, hope it'll mean something more to you than it had meant to me.

Colin Hay - Overkill

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perahaps its just my imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Where We Need Manuals..

2004-09-19T02:30:00.000+08:00

The fact that I'm suppose to do my assignments now but instead I'm writing this should have probably tip me off that this was not going to be a good day. But the fact that I'm sitting here laughing at one of my online friends trying to make me angry is an indication that I'm still pretty much in a daze.

Well, can't blame me much since I pretty much slept through the whole day and only woke up at 7 p.m. knowing that I missed both my supposedly picnic trip and my old friend's new shop opening. Waking up to a realisation that you have just risked losing an old friendship as well as some new ones is not an happy moment. But the good news comes from an SMS by an old friend, asking me to a yum char session, something I've forgotten to do in quite a while. I've been so out of tune with my surrounding that I actually started to get some admirers -.-" ... Bless their little hearts. When I at times need that to cheer me up, I know I've gone to a whole new level of out-of-tuneness.

Still, it was nice to 'catch' up on old news. This being kind of a minor counseling session didn't bother me one bit. And as a counselor, I'm obliged not to expose any informations about my 'client'. But it was interesting as she was having some trouble coping with her current life, pressure from work, confusion from love but most of all in my view was dissapoinment on self. I guess alot of what I learn in class makes more sense now, that people are stuck at one point because they simply can't get past of the one problem they face and at times overblown. It's just like how you will notice a person's missing teeth on front rather than they stunning dress or superb personality. Just like how girls would sit down in front of a make up table because they think the lipstick application skill was a bit off.

She told me her colleagues spreads some bad rumors about her because she is out performing them quite greatly and thus created jealously around her. Its quite hard to grasp the concept but viewing it as a honor rather than a problem would be a good start. Why stop there? Why be the envy of some co-workers? Why don't be the envy of the business world? Why don't be the one people say, "She's who I wanna replace" ? I was suprised to see her in that sort of manner to be honest. I've always viewed her as a smart person, able to adapt quickly and understands a concept quick enough to get a problem solved. To see that she is asking for an quick answer out is simply... humbling. Of all of my friends, she would have been one of those I would never expect to want a quick way out, she was the one in my mind that would slug it out the hard way, win and be proud of that fact. Alot of people including never knew that counseling isn't about providing answers, it's about lighting up the bonfires in your world that you put out long ago because you think you never need it anymore. Or maybe just like sunlight, it has always been there until it comes to a point you stop appreciating it or simply forget to remember its still shining as brightly as ever, not because it has too, but simply because it wants too. As people zooms into the darkness to dirtied their canvas, the scope of the whole picture became smaller, and as you move closer towards it the problem seems bigger, seems deadlier.

She also told me about her useless boyfriend and the fact that even though she has given up on him, she just can't seem to get over him. And listening to her talk, I confess that I can't help but start and try to apply some of what I learnt into that process, which thankfully I managed to avert doing so. But in listening to her, I can't help to feel that she isn't hung up on what happens to this relationship, rather what she done wrong in it and that she failed one something she was involved in due to her never say lose attitude. Is this already past the point of longing to be loved back, but has entered the state of wanting to be the one walking away the winner in this slugging match that is usually unfair in many cases? But as usual, love is something that remains hard to explain. I've seen girls pining for a guy who can't care less but yet became the same person to dish out the same 'punishment' to other guys who love them more than the guy. But I do understand that no one is or can be blamed for this situations because well love, as The Darkness sings so well, is only a feeling. It seemed to me like we were more angry towards the fact that we got the wrong color into the canvas and spends hours trying to decide what to do with it, fix it? Leave it alone? Paint over it? Build around it?

Well, as we parted ways for the night, I can only hope some of the words I've said, or to her repeated would somehow made sense or at least would help her in one way or another. The last word that I managed to squeeze out of a still somehow shell shocked me was "Good luck". But I'm confident that she is strong enough to face all these challenges and what she is facing now is simply just some minor bumps along the road.

But at the end, I would have loved to end our brief but packed conversation with the fact that "Sometimes an artist focused too much on the wrong patch of color he used on that corner, or the small hole that seemed so big when given a closer look. While we can't help them to solve the problem because its not our painting in the first place, but we can pull them up so that they'll see that they're painting a whole picture, and I'd rather see a picture with some minor defects than to never see a picture at all". Sadly I guess, I was also in need of someone to pull me up.

And we wonder why English is bad...

2004-09-17T07:08:00.000+08:00

It is funny to me how things turn out sometimes. While I can be indesicive about what I should eat for lunch, it took me less then one second to sign up to become an organ donor. While I struggling over the fact that I feel lonesome at times, I notice I'm surrounded be friends and a few girls who are actually interested in me (well, at least that's my point of view la). Its even more ironic when I at times does feel insecure and self-concious, when I know that there are people out there who would kill just to be me for a day (those who would like to use me to kill a couple more stupid people like people who talks in a cinema). I saw the comment that was posted to me, and I sincerely had heard it time and time again. Especially this semester where I'm enrolling in PY220 i.e Counseling Psychology and SS099 i.e Personal Development and People Skill iirc. Both of them more or less until a point share a same idea, to be comfortable with who you are. To like who you are, to like who you am. I like who I am, I don't see myself being any other person nor would I want to trade my place with anyone at any time. While I'm far from perfect, I think I've reach a point where I've matured up a lot. Mistakes would still be made, but this time I have no problem owning up to it and trying to make it better. I'd explain this more later.

I found out yesterday that the most dreadful word that has overtaken "Let's just be friends" in my book is the word "whatever la". It's a word that immediately places you in a bind and a wrong step would made you paid for it hard. The troubled began when I told my friend I would sign his attendence for him and because I'm so proud that I finally can be myself, I decided to continue that act all the way into the class by forgetting about it not once, but twice. Not only did I fail to sign his attendence, but I also failed to notify him until around midnight. While an angry "fuck you" would thrown me into guilt-dom, he chose the very wise response of "whatever la" to end his statement to me. Now, while I understand the concept of hell halt fury like a women scorned, its even scarier when hell halt no fury like a women scorned who tells you "whatever la". The fact that is was not a women doesn't make it any better, mind you. Its the only word that sends you into a loop hole of guilt and its weird as we're even angrier/scared/pissed off from the fact that they have given up hope on a subject rather than confront it upfront. That's human I guess, we always assume that if they are mad and they confronted you about it, the subject would sure be settled as fast as a lone traffic police stopping you at a lonely road for not listening to Linkin Park on your player or something. But the term whatever throws the topic wide open, drags it longer and we know that this will be the 'Get Out of Jail' card that they'll use when another argument comes up the next time around. And being the no hassle, no talk, no try to bring out bad things from the past now coz its not fair kind of Malaysian we're bought up to be, we're not used to be put on hold unless we're the party that is putting others on hold (ok, I'm losing the plot here). Its interesting to actually understands how it feels to be on the receiving end of "whatever la" as this is my line. If we ever had a year book and something needs to be written down there, it''ll be a tough fight between "whatever la", "huh?" or "cincai lor" (I can't give you any clear indication as it will voilate the gambling law, but Mr.huh isn't exactly setting himself on the right track) ... As I scramble to fix my first foul up, it's kinda hard to find out that trying to figure out a way to reply to, "whatever la" can be even more confusing than differenciating the pop songs that fill our radio station.

Oh well, at least I choose to look on the bright side of it all. I'm taking responsibility for something I created. And judging by the way I'm bugging one of my other friends to try and clean up the mess (she was my only solution so far), I can't help to wonder if this will open up another can of messy worms. Then again, it'll be a good challenge to myself to prove that I can be a different guy whenever, however I want.

It might be a small and unimportant step, but I'm trying to answer every question I face from time to time with the answer "why not?" .... It might be hard at times, like when my unknown friends ask me to participate in an picnic at Lake Gardens, I'd now have to say "why not?".. I still have no idea how to answer that. But as far as my lack of intelligence is concerned, I'm quite sure of one thing, it's easier for me to answer that one than to answer to "whatever la"....

Song for The Day

2004-09-12T04:39:00.000+08:00

Long time since I did this, so a proper one to 'celebrate' the lost I'd say days from my life posting blogs.

Billy Joel - Vienna

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Damien Rice - Cannonball

There`s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There`s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It`s still a little hard to say what's going on

There`s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
There`s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That i can`t say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There`s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There`s still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon..
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

Looking Back In Anger-ish

2004-09-12T02:47:00.000+08:00

As, I just found out that is has been exactly a year since I first started to blog. As I read back all the things I've rave and rant about for the past year, I understood one thing. That I haven't changed one bit.

Sure my sense of sytle have changed, my posting has become worse by the minute and I'm now a student instead of a useless worker. Still, I don't feel anything different from what I was when I started writing this a year ago. What is different?

I still feel alone, still single (although I do think that is a good thing for humankind), still yearning for that one true love and still hoping I can better my grammar to save my life. I still retain the last of the what I would think is the remaining drop of humor in my head, as at times I can still sit back and laugh at certain things life has chosen to throw at me like the latest episode of Scrubs or Malaysia's 2004 Budget. Or how I'm still my old quiet self in front of my old 'friends' and some of my new ones too. I don't know what to say nor do I wish too. I stil haven't receive the cd from -amy- and the last time I check, I'm still straight.

I'm getting bored easier these days, I actually started to read my text book on my own free will, I look uglier than before, I'm going out even less nowdays, I've let go of the one girl I've ever loved (I'm hoping I can love again though), so far I'm an average student and I haven't downloaded a pop song in ages. I think that is the only changes I've had since a year ago.

Been reading a few blogs since I was free and I discover that more or less we're all almost the same insecure being that somehow needs some sort of escape point because we can't bring ourselves to face what is or might be coming tomorrow. Even though writing a blog seems to be a way to release some of the pressure we feel, but I don't think that was ever the case. It is a good way of role reversal though as when you read back what you have wrote somehow you tend to look at it differently and I think that is the only thing that keeps us feeling secured. That there are other people that is feeling even worst than you right now and that your blog has more readers than the other one.

It scares me that I can't remember the most part of last year and those I remember isn't a good thing to begin with. Me leaning beside the wall in tears and talking on the phone trying to figure out what is wrong the the relationship, me accidentally kick a friend causing him to fall down to the side of the hotel bed that cause a minor head injury, me looking back in anger and wondering what the hell is so cool about going 180km/h on a Kancil (it is that fun though, I must confess) and me wondering why the heck does everything in Chili's cost about a Somali child's leg. I confess that to me the worst failure so far inside of me is that I still can't get over her properly. It scares me more than anything that of all people, I would eventually become one of those who would need time go get past something. Then again I'm not sure whether this is a simply case of regret or something, seeing that the only time I think about her is when I want too, which is usually when I have nothing better to do. But if thats the last thing I do, that will be the last thing I'd do. I don't know what I should do to change my life, or it needs to be changed in the first place as I'm beginning to enjoythe bittersweet taste of some of the aftermath it serves up from time to time. But looking back at the first ever post I've written for this, its funny that these words still remains a mystery to me until today.

Can anyone help me ?? Do anyone diagnose what personality I am, because I in hell sure don't. And why can't a girl that likes Sigur ros and football comes along in my life, and we live happily ever after ? Why can't my life change for that 1 second enough for me to take a step back and cherish what I gained and lost, treasured and thrown, witnessed and missed, hold and released, known and forgot ?

Why ?

Why ?

Why ?

*More rants would come after a short nap and a workday, so stay tuned
- posted by Fuzzy at 9/6/2003 03:03:19 AM

Even more worrying, I laughed when I read it for the first time in ages just now. It can't be a good thing when you start to think silly about your ownself, is it? :)

p/s: if anyone knows the answer to any questions I've posted, feel free to tell me.

Don't we love brand names?

2004-09-10T03:47:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how feelings work. Or simply how humans think. How being poked and have some 'design' permanently on my back doesn't seem to hurt as much as a word someone blurt out, intended or not I can't be sure. But then again, I'd refrain from posting his details here ;)

Been listening to alot of Bill Hicks lately. He's a great comedian, one of my favourites in fact. Hard hitting, sacarstic, not apologetic and most of all, he sounds like a worst and funnier version of me :/

This piece of news cracked me up.

"We can be proud that Vijay, who was based in Malaysia, is now the world number one. It was unfortunate that his application for PR was rejected. Otherwise a Malaysian could have been the world number one today." - Datuk Mohamed Aini Taib

Excuse me? What exactly do we have to feel proud about? That we're so desperate for attention that we're leeching off a guy whose application to become a citizen was forsaken in the first place but the same people who are now 'proud'?

I don't believe anyone who changed nationality just to represent a country do command my respect. Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt these athletes has the upmost of ability, I generally lose even more respect for the country who has to resort to pinching other nationalities to win us a medal in some ego event disguised with colorful opening shows, tears and drug cover ups reported by a journalist who can only be happy that the blood sucking cost of everything will be bore by the company.

But trying to claim that we should be proud about something we never help him to get is simply laughable. And if he indeed became a Malaysian, I'm quite assured that he will never be the world no.1. Why? Well, to truly be a Malaysian, you need to fulfill this 5 requirements.

Be late. It seems like those who are early are those who feel embarrassed, I think because people will think they're kiasu and afraid of losing out to whoever whoever.
Own a handphone. This is our customary "grow up" stage. When your parents buys you an handphone, that is the sign that you're already an teenager. Those without one will claim they're better than others because they do not succumb to the comformity. Yeah, dream on.
Penang food. Food with a 'Penang' on it sells. "Penang Laksa", "Penang Char Kuey Teow", "Penang Pizza", "Penang Sushi". Trust me, if Vijay was a Malaysian, he'll swear off golf if that means he cannot eat "Penang" foods.
Racist. Yes, as cruel as this will sound, jokes about how "Malays gets the name, Chinese gets the money and Indian gets the hard labor while DLL does the paperwork" is abundant and I don't see that as a crime, rather as a reminder that this is what makes us, us.
Great actor/ress. All Malaysians are great artist. Some are too busy acting like a rapper from the West Coast, some are busy pretending to be Australian complete with the slang, some are busy pretending they're working, some are pretending to give a summon and some are pretending to clean up this country out of corruption.

Darn, did I confused us with Singaporeans? Well, while on the subject of food, KFC's Satay Burger is by far the worst burger that ever graced the history of burgers in Malaysia. What the hell were they thinking about? More worriedly, what the hell are they going to think next?

Scene start in a kampung area, as the camera zooms into one of the wooden houses there. An old couple, old and obviously sex deprived is watching a movie on TV when a commercial comes on with a young sexy lady parading something. The wife noticed that the husband is staring and thus storm into the bedroom, husband gave a bewildered look. Wife poke half of her body out in a sexy dress, signaling the husband to come. He took a quick look, turns back to the TV, takes another look and rush out of the house. Now its the wife's turn to give a confused/annoyed/angry look. Camera focuses back on the husband, eating a KFC burger happily and quickly. He rushes back out of the door and the camera pans away to show a billboard promoting the new burger, "Try the all new empowering Tongkat Ali Burger!!"

Hey, it could be worst, it could be McD's.

Ah, fresh air... I hope...

2004-09-09T19:10:00.000+08:00

Found out today that a 2 minute rant I wrote to The Star (no, I'm not going to link you to what I wrote..) actually got published into the paper -.-" ...

While I don't really remember what I wrote, I think it was more towards the fact that 80% of us bloggers have a good clue what we blog about and there will always be a bad apple that will come in and try to spoil it for everyone. It also gained me a mail that reminded me that there are people that actually read all the well, pointless things I say and my image is crafted based on the writings here. That meant I might need to start to take a notice on my language and topics because now there might be 14 year olds reading this!! (hey, just found out my younger brother does read this)

But thank god that lasted for only few seconds before it went away. While cleaning up my act and starting to write something useful may shape a better image of me to the 'audiences' out there (god knows who actually follow this from time to time, since myself isn't even an avid blog reader) that will ultimately defeat the purpose of this blog in the first place, to type out what I felt like typing at the moment. So SJ, while I do thank you for that impressive letter you sent me, I won't change my style of writing or words used simply because I am me (heh, that's original). I for one has long gave up the idea of being good for the sake of good, I'm an agnostic and I'm far from perfect. Ok, I've lost the point here but bottomline being well, maybe this is something parents will warn their kids about someday (See what happen to Fuzzy?? Do you want to end up like him? No? So eat your veggies or you'll be Fuzzy!). Ahhh, the feeling of being useful is bliss even for that one sec :).

Its funny how things can turn out from time to time. I've already lost some of the interest in actually blogging due to the time needed to sit down and think up a good title to place up there :/ But well, with people reminding me that I do have a blog, I might just come in once so often and well, continue to dampen your spirit even more to the hope of me actually posting something good.

Final thing I will not before I go, I recently download a cool plugin that in the words of JG "it logs every song you play on Winamp or WMP or whatever in your profile, then draws up lists of who is most played songs/artists, and also lists of other artists you might like and other people with similar tastes. Download the plugin, sign up and go. It's cool."... so go and download it!! ... oh, here's my profile and I would like to apologise to any pop songs that are in the list, my brother uses the same pc :( But I choose to look on the bright side and hope it might attract some 19 year olds -.-"

Oh, the really final thing today, as my profile has shown, go take a listen to Damian Rice's Cannonball and then tell me if it don't resemble another song :/ ...

What's that term again?

2004-09-02T22:46:00.000+08:00

I've terrified of the person I'm becoming nowdays. Its funny how alot of people never actually take a step back and look at themselves from outside and see how others are seeing them as they are. We're too busy trying to convince others that we're good enough to live up to whatever standards they have set or setting in their own small mind that we never know what is the meaning of doing things because we like to do it. But I do think I've crossed the line of being selfish and being a simple bastard. I won't go into details for some reason (yes, for another first time I can't talk about something coz I dunno how to).

I was doing a Life Chart thing that needed me to state 10 key moments in my life that I will remember forever and I found myself unable to come up with even 5. Now I find myself asking, is this my life? Are meself that eventful until I can't really think up any 5 events that might have changed my prespective on life bar one. The one with the good friend betrayal thing. That changed me alot as I saw who my true friends was, which was almost none bar a few who actually had the guts to stay out of that entire event.

Well, I don't really recall any incident that is so worthwhile that I actually need to talk about it. Other than the fact that I've taken more LRT rides this year than any more my other 20 combined. But I remain hopeful that one of this very day, I will finally get my chance to ruin the environment by getting a new car. Lets hope for the best, eh?

Going back to the subject, I took a look back at what was happening to me in the past few days and I immediately realised that it was a combination of what I was always had a fear from, that I'm already starting to show signs of boredom towards the courses I'm studying and I sometime have too much time at hand to think about how I'm already starting to show signs of boredom towards the courses I'm currently studying. It's not a nice view to be honest.

Someone messaged my telling me that I'm a fan of Britpop/rock or whatever and I sadly know that he was right. But for the life of me I cannot actually name you a band that I actually follow religiously. The Thrills are the only band I do follow these days, but that simply means I already start listening to them when not more than 100 people in the KL area have any idea who they are (I think) before MTV starts playing them and they impressed me enough to download their second album. Yes, don't ever count on me to be loyal in the music industry. It's a cut troat business. Still, I'm sad that I have no idea who he was but I sincerely thank him for that kind word. Fan? Now that's a new concept to me :)

I did have alot to rant about on the start of this journey, but knowing me I simply lost out on the plot and I find myself enjoying what everyone already was enjoying all this while, the third season of Scrubs and the opening theme song to the show, Lazlo Bane's Superman. Here I leave you with his lyrics because here is the part where I can rant, well I can identify with most of his lyrics. Ok, only some but still.

Out the door just in time
Head down the 405
Gotta meet the new boss by 8 a.m.
The phone rings in the car
The wife is workin' hard
She's running late tonight again

Well
I know what I've been told,
You got to work to feed the soul
But I can't do this all on my own
No, I know, I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman

You've got your love online
You think you're doing fine
But you're just plugged into the wall

And that deck of tarot cards
Won't get you very far
There ain't no hand to break your fall

Well
I know what I've been told
You gotta know just when to fold
But I can't do this all on my own
No, I know, I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman

That's right

You've crossed the finish line
Won the race but lost your mind
Was it worth it after all

I need you here with me
Cause love is all we need
Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall

Well I know what I've been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can't do this all on my own
No I can't do this all on my own
I know that I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman

Someday we'll be together
I'm no Superman
Someday
Someday we'll be together
Someday
I'm no Superman

Ah, I'm starting to like this 'fan' thing :)

As I Lose My Head

2004-08-27T03:40:00.000+08:00

I do start to feel old nowdays. I can already see the signs, I'm listening to Frank Sinatra, I'm cursing at kids using the word "Sheesh, kids these days" and I've became an organ donor.

For those who had in some case learned about Erikson's Psychosocial Stages Theory, you will see that having the urge to do that usually would be dumped under the Integrity vs. despair stages, where we branch out to do something that is good to the community to feel worthwhile and no regrets to self. For those who didn't learned about it, just pretend you understand.

At times I'm not sure how I look at things at times, but coming out of a motivation class even more unmotivated and sleepy not to mention hungry certainly brings a smile to my face. Counselling course suits me well, here is a place that places emphesis on the fact that we can be silent, in fact some practice depend on it. Certainly a far cry from our usual life where we simply felt we needed to talk simply because we associate silence between two person as either:-

An akward moment
Something is wrong
No interest in the particular topic
One of them must have came from Bhutan

I like to talk, but I love to listen. Call me boring, call me uninteresting (well, because I am) but I don' really put much importance on people having to know me well and I certainly don't make sure that is one of my life wish. It has been a suprising month for me, I've met more friends in this month alone that I had in the past 2-3 months. I've also gained more than friendship, I do think I have gotten a closure on a few things. As fake and superficial as my current friendship with my oldest bunch of mate is now, I'm happy to accept that. And as much as I know I'd never achieve perfection, I 'm already doing harder at my studies, I understand now that this is a path I take and I will take full responsibility towards the faith given to me by trying my best at it.

(*Yesterday by The Beatles is playing currently, much to my worry)

But I'm starting to worry if I'm thinking too much. The line between being cautious and jumping t any wagon at times is the one I struggle with the most, I'm trying to find me an identity I'm not sure I have or I should possess. At times it is kinda hard having double standards in your life, what you practice for one thing simply don't apply to another. It's either that or the fact that I have the attention span of an 2 year old. I'm not sure what or whether I should work on it, at times knowing I'm flawed makes me feel alive. I can't wait to see what problems I will face next time due to this flaw and how would I cope with it.

And with this I keep wanting to take on new challenges, new things, new stuffs, new ways to do old stuff, new ways to do new things. Suddently there is so many things I want to be interested in, to see how it can challenge me deeper, how it can change me, how it can 'change' me.

And you see suddently it is a never ending cycle for me. I learn new things, wonder more things about me that makes me want to learn even more things that will make me wonder even more about other things I can do. It's a vicious cycle that well, leaves you wetting your hand, but never know how to wash your face with it. And it seems like a cruel cruel joke that someone has decided to play on me as the more I gain my mind, the more I lose my head.

Take Two

2004-08-19T17:56:00.000+08:00

As I drive to college like I used to today, I can't help but to think I'm a crap actor doing my best in making the director yelling cut with my wooden acting and mistakes (yes, I'm Keanu Reeves). I'm delighting everyone it seems with the ability to make the director pissed off and needing to do the whole scene again. Everything seems rehashed, rehearsed, repeated, redone with the same event, same lines, same jokes, same acts, same mistakes, same thoughts, same answers. While the clothes maybe different, the settings may change, the mood maybe better but at the end we still end up with the same story with the same outcome.

And this only serve to make my mistakes and shortcomings even more noticible and seemingly huge even if it was a little thing. Well, in honor of my new semester and my nothing else to post state, I'm please to present to you:

THINGS THAT FUZZY LIKE OR HATE (YES,I REALISE THIS IS SO NOT ORIGINAL):-

LIKE

Some of the cute girls walking around the set and some who actually talks to me (god knows what they took) and hopefully some I haven't met
Some new friends who still haven't been annoyed by me so we're pretty much still at the respect/not serious stage. One thing I know is that the longer you are friends, the more respect you lose and the more demands you give them.
No one listens to what I generally listens too, at least not that I know off.
Lecturers are mint. They do actually listens.
English 102 sounds like a fun class -.-
I have no class on Friday
I finally bought the first ever piece of jewellry that I actually want

yes, bite me...

I'm this close to getting a new tattoo
I actually like my life now
I've watched Scrubs :)
Some of my friends are coming back and I'm getting giiiffffttsss!!!! my preeeccciiooussss ggiiffftttss. I swear I'm going to bite them if they forgot. Especially my Cadbury Hot Choco drink.
I now have a reason to wake up in the morning :)

DISLIKES

Having to wake up at 8am for LAN :(
Not getting an exemption for Computers. ffs I lived computers for more than 2 years man!
I'm still maintaining some of the bad aspects of personality I don't like :(
I need to make more friends :( I like friends, its the making part that I don't quite fancy that much
My dry hair
My dry lips
The bloody string that came along with the pendant. For Rm180, I expect they at least could have package it better

I will try and think of more things on the set that I will complain about later I guess. Bored and dying.

When the dreams ends

2004-08-19T02:28:00.000+08:00

Well, it's 2 am here and I'm sleeepy. Class at 11 tomorrow :(

Forced to drop Human Personality to take the stupid People Development Skill. Or something to that effect, I didn't bothered to find out.

Will be getting another tattoo if me and my brother can work out a good time schedule.

Convinced me cousin to write a blog, though I doubt she will.