Have you ever been in love so hard that it hurts more than it heals ??
I do think it's God's or someone's attempt to make me realise there's someone controlling our fate. I for one never believed in love at first sight or doing anything out of the name of love, but yet that was the exact thing that happened to me this past year or so. The same old story, boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy starts a relationship that lasted for a year before decides to end it with a heavy heart. I love her, by god I do. I've been in a few relationships, even one that lasted 2 years and more, yet this is the first time I sincerely know that I'll look back one day and say, "what if ?" Waht if I've just hold on for a few more months, when her father gets back to work and we would have more time to be together. But yet, if we can't even get past a minor arrangement like this, how the hell are we going too look at forever ? How am I going to wake up knowing that we've been through the worst and would survive anything ? How am I tell the world that I love her as much as she love me when I can't even be sure that she'll be by my side ?

How do you know ?

My life is at a turning point, few months from now I'd either pick up my things and go to Zambia to start a career, or put down my brain to start an education that must succeed in getting me a degree or hopefully anything better. I can't fail in any of the road I'd be taking, I can't ill afford it. And as much as I would love her to be there by my side, I know how unfair it would be for her. I have no idea which road will come or which will ever arrive even, but still, I have to make a turn.

What would you do ?

I don't usually rant, but I can't find any motivation to look ahead too other than this, a place where I can write and write and no one would even fucking care, I can say I'm tempted to kill myself, and I can sincerely say no one really fucking care. I know I wouldn't. Never would have any respect for those who commits suicide because of love, even as myself is closer to it than anyone else. I know how most of us will never find a person that suits us perfectly, but I never wanted that supermodel that was good in bed, making dinner and is a caring intelligent person, I just wants a nice girl who sincerely cares about me, is that so fucking hard to ask for ? 1 fucking gal that whispers I love you because she felt like it, who give me a hug because she just wanted to hug me.

But why it's always that other guy wh ogets the better girlfriend ?

Bah, music seems to calm me down a lot now from that 4 minutes ago, still.. how the hell am I'm going to crack a sincere smile, or hold back that sudden tear for this period of time ? How am I going to stop myself calling her because I wanted to hear her voice, or stop myself from thinking about how we can find a way to be together again ? As much as I love her, I hate her even more it seems. And even stranger, how the heck did Juanes - Es Por Ti calmed me down so much ? I'm actually smiling a bit now as the song comes along, and I have no idea why because my head is blank and I'm just typing away...

What did I do ?

Can anyone help me ?? Do anyone diagnose what personality I am, because I in hell sure don't. And why can't a girl that likes Sigur ros and football comes along in my life, and we live happily ever after ? Why can't my life change for that 1 second enough for me to take a step back and cherish what I gained and lost, treasured and thrown, witnessed and missed, hold and released, known and forgot ?

Why ?

Why ?

Why ?

*More rants would come after a short nap and a workday, so stay tuned