And so the story goes...
To be honest, I have no idea what I want to write here. I'm officially too worked up to put my mind into writing a decent thing that I hope someone can understand and emphasize with in the near or future future.
I think I've forgotten the meaning of being alive. Or at least the way too. I sincerely can't remember almost all of the events, feelings, reflections, questions, actualization that I might have gained this past few days.
The biggest news of the day was that of Christopher Reeve's passing even though I can tell you that almost no one under 20 even have much of a clue who he is. Well, for those who is still in the blind, he's a crap actor who turned famous because he acted in a decent movie and pretended to care about the disabled after he was disabled himself. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for any help or support given to them by anyone but for him to claim or even eclipse other who deserves much more simply because he gave money to a cause that can help his own self, in my view that made him self serving. Where was the money when he was flying on-screen? Where was the money when he lived in a 5 star hotel that probably isn't disabled friendly?
I'm simply tired I guess. Tired trying to figure out who I exactly am.
I hate love. I hate the meaning it brings, the story it carries and the burden it unloads upon us. I hate the obligation it gives and the responsibility it shares with us. I hate the fact that we're degraged into nothing objects, ableit an aphrodisiacally one. In everyone's eyes, we feel like we're being pushed into one of the two folders in their minds, the 'Unwanted Object' folder or the 'Wanted but Unaffordable' folder. We constantly push ourselves to get the nod from others, being loved by one means that you finally found someone that affirms you. People are going into relationships because they don't want to feel alone or being placed into the folders. I've forgotten the last time I saw a couple that I knew would be together forever. Whether they do or don't isn't the point, though.
I'm tired of watching couples break up, go back together, break up, go back together, got pregnant, break up, get back together, guy escapes town because he can't handle the responsiblity of being a father. I'm tired of listening to friends cry over failed relationships, over split milks, deaths, live, life, love, money, boys, girls, books or Christopher Reeve's passing.
I suprised one of my friends that thought I understood and liked counseling because I pay attention and can ask quite a few questions (in fact I'm the only one in our 'group' to ever ask any questions, eLaine can testify to that) about it when I told her I hated counseling. I now command a deeeeeeep respect for those who do counseling, those who are able to handle a dripping tear in front of them and be composed enough not to agree with anything the 'victim' is saying. The only reason I took counseling was because I needed to and it was quite intriguing. Well, to sum it up, the personalities behind a theory is facinating, the theory is mind boggling and the application is burdening.
I don't want to be the person who people come to expecting answers. Expecting is the key word here I guess. I will be a good listener, but by god I'm not a bloody answering machine. I do like some of those who knows what to expect from telling me about their concerns though. An honest thought on what I think is going on. No solutions, answers or directions. Just honest opinions on what I think and I found that most of the times, they do understand. And I hope they do. Everyone around me deserves the best, except me :)
So, as I grew tired of this life, this face, this words I will indeed stop here.
I can only leave with a hope that the next time I come in and write again, I can finally tell you a meaningful story about the joyful burden that I was obliged to carry because the responsibility that comes with a wonderful thing called love.
After all, you deserves nothing but the best.
I think I've forgotten the meaning of being alive. Or at least the way too. I sincerely can't remember almost all of the events, feelings, reflections, questions, actualization that I might have gained this past few days.
The biggest news of the day was that of Christopher Reeve's passing even though I can tell you that almost no one under 20 even have much of a clue who he is. Well, for those who is still in the blind, he's a crap actor who turned famous because he acted in a decent movie and pretended to care about the disabled after he was disabled himself. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for any help or support given to them by anyone but for him to claim or even eclipse other who deserves much more simply because he gave money to a cause that can help his own self, in my view that made him self serving. Where was the money when he was flying on-screen? Where was the money when he lived in a 5 star hotel that probably isn't disabled friendly?
I'm simply tired I guess. Tired trying to figure out who I exactly am.
In a sea so blue,My heart aches so someone I can't have. Or rather, I chose to feel ache over a girl I can't get. I chose to sit here and listen to a Nina Simone song to feel depressing. It's by choice, not by nature apparently. Well, I guess that could be the case.
in a river so wide,
I saw myself in the water,
but I can't make up my mind.
I hate love. I hate the meaning it brings, the story it carries and the burden it unloads upon us. I hate the obligation it gives and the responsibility it shares with us. I hate the fact that we're degraged into nothing objects, ableit an aphrodisiacally one. In everyone's eyes, we feel like we're being pushed into one of the two folders in their minds, the 'Unwanted Object' folder or the 'Wanted but Unaffordable' folder. We constantly push ourselves to get the nod from others, being loved by one means that you finally found someone that affirms you. People are going into relationships because they don't want to feel alone or being placed into the folders. I've forgotten the last time I saw a couple that I knew would be together forever. Whether they do or don't isn't the point, though.
I'm tired of watching couples break up, go back together, break up, go back together, got pregnant, break up, get back together, guy escapes town because he can't handle the responsiblity of being a father. I'm tired of listening to friends cry over failed relationships, over split milks, deaths, live, life, love, money, boys, girls, books or Christopher Reeve's passing.
I suprised one of my friends that thought I understood and liked counseling because I pay attention and can ask quite a few questions (in fact I'm the only one in our 'group' to ever ask any questions, eLaine can testify to that) about it when I told her I hated counseling. I now command a deeeeeeep respect for those who do counseling, those who are able to handle a dripping tear in front of them and be composed enough not to agree with anything the 'victim' is saying. The only reason I took counseling was because I needed to and it was quite intriguing. Well, to sum it up, the personalities behind a theory is facinating, the theory is mind boggling and the application is burdening.
I don't want to be the person who people come to expecting answers. Expecting is the key word here I guess. I will be a good listener, but by god I'm not a bloody answering machine. I do like some of those who knows what to expect from telling me about their concerns though. An honest thought on what I think is going on. No solutions, answers or directions. Just honest opinions on what I think and I found that most of the times, they do understand. And I hope they do. Everyone around me deserves the best, except me :)
So, as I grew tired of this life, this face, this words I will indeed stop here.
I can only leave with a hope that the next time I come in and write again, I can finally tell you a meaningful story about the joyful burden that I was obliged to carry because the responsibility that comes with a wonderful thing called love.
After all, you deserves nothing but the best.
posted by Fuzzy at
10/13/2004 07:28:00 PM
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