Isomnia hits me again as I struggle to keep up the the sudden change of a lifestyle from a hardworking sleeper at office, to a lazy gamer at home and now a student wannabe in college. You will be amazed at how fluid one can be at eating, playing Championship Manager ( my team, West Ham just won the Eng. First Div~), doing a assignment about Malaysia (in which you need to basically lie and act as if you'll remember what you wrote 3 years later and be grateful as it totally changed your life from being a Malaysian to a disgruntled Malaysian because you was forced to write an project on it), trying to find some useful informations on the peyshology paper you're doing in 10 mins time, trying to figure out how to write a good article for the American Flyers and trying to understand what the hell they're talking about over at irc while at the same time hoping to convince some gal you're cool, handsome and stuff. Yes, welcome to the world of a 21th century teenager.

In some part this is the only life where alot of people including me, simply get to be themselves, where drugs are not needed to talk, alcohol isn't needed to start a conversation with a 300 pound girl who thinks she is beautiful. To me this is my escape point, where I can crack silly or sarcastic jokes that half of my real life friends won't understand in the first place or generally because we've never been in that situation where something like making fun about Jesus can exist in the first place. Its also a place which I've found friends, good ones that seems to have more common with me than those who I've known for my entire life yet when we met yesterday, I never really think we had any new topics to talk about. Nothing. For 2 friends that hasn't seen each other for 2 months, the best we could come up with was "How's Life"? The expected "Like this lo.." come about and that was the end of that. They say some things are best left unchanged, but in this case I'm starting to wonder whether it will turn out for the best.

And as expected with places where interaction goes on, love blossoms. Well, I can't quite speak for you guys or gals out there, but so far it has been a generally pleasant trip for me. Have I fell in love with a girl next chat room ? Yes. Was it love ? Maybe. Was it a girl? Thats what her a/s/l says.. I utterly confess that I've fallen for 2 girls before, purely on the way we talked online. Without ever meeting her. Well we met eventually, but thats not the point. The point was somehow over in irc, you become yourself. Crocodiles will croc (or whatever they do), lame ignoramus will argue without a head (no, Malaysia DON'T FUCKING HAVE A 100MBPS CONNECTION YOU FUCKING NOOB), and girls will be they ownselves without a single care of the world. You might be butt ugly, but hey, the possibility of the guys on the other side looking like your twin with moustache is just as high too! But I emphesis on the fact that they are at prolly their most natural when they are hiding behind a wall of anonymity (unless you have friendster and you stupid friends post your pic into their profile without your knowledge) simply because they have no expectations to live up too. And the vice versa applies, as I find myself not being tied down to any expectations (like trying to act Iraqi... yes, I've been called a caucasian, been mistaken as a malay.. but one of my friends said I look like a mix between an Pakistani and chinese, or a pure Iraqi ....i'm gonna kill you shinz :p) I simply IS myself. And to find people who actually doesn't try to backstab me (well, at least not now) is kinda refreshing, if not liberating feeling from what I used to felt.


A new info I just realised, I have been blogging for almost a year !!!! WOO~~~ ... anyone who read this for free and feels sad for me are free to donate something to me :) .... back to topic.

Where was I? Ah, the subject of love. Well, the first crush I had online is pretty much well known here. I remember I wrote quite extensively about her as you all can see, and I do agree theres nothing much else to talk about here other than the fact that she is a very very good friend (thanks for the tips, ying). Which takes us to the 2nd one. Who is it ? Its kinda like an open secret where I'm at ;) Which leads me to my question in the first place. Do i actually have a crush on her because I do, or simply because everyone else is convinced that I am ? I haven't actually really explored that questions, nor has I attempted to find out the answer in anway, since it'll usually end up in disaster as usual, knowing my own good self. Why am I telling all this risking everything I "build" for ? Well, because it's me. Its simply me. My attitude will not be up everyone's alley, but I rather know which alley I'm off limits too already now than later :D ... But still, I'm always pretty much a sucker for love and relationships, the hug from someone you love is the only thing, only thing that I looks forward too the most. So keep you eyes peeled for more sad stories from me found wanting because of the promise I made to myself, don't get involved in another relationship so you won't get the chance to hurt anyone again. And this time, I'm going to bloody keep that promise. I think. I hope. I wish.

Still, a sincere thanks for all your words, the late conversations we had, the jokes we trade, the laughs we gained and the lame things we did. I haven't had this much fun since well, since I can remember and well, deep in my heart I do wish we do indeed have something. But in the end, I know how you feel as much as I know what I must do to keep what I feel at where it belonged. And well, why not go all the way eh, yes, I have a crush on you, daph.

Well, this will hit me in the morning where I will prolly starts to ponder whether I should delete this or not or blame in of some hacker (prolly sojai). But as long as this feeling still last in me, I'm writing this with a wide smile on my face which either means the drugs are finally kicking in or that well, something must have been right today. And it's a god day.

I'd end this with a apology to all the person I've annoyed in the past week or so, Ranjeeta for my constant sarcasm, Irene for my poor memory, Christian for making you sing in front of the class (but I spared you at Gen. Psy so be grateful), joe for the jokes and 'rumors' on you and shinz and well, to anyone that I might offend in the future, Apologies :) ... and it's simply because it's a good day.


Edited coz I forget to enter the lyrics and stuff:-

As this week I've been listening to a variety of songs, but more hooked towards Rooney - Rooney. But I'm not going to post their songs yet, instead one of the great songs you'll never going to hear, sadly.

Franz Ferdinand - Dark of The Matinee

You take your white finger
Slide the nail under the top and bottom buttons of my blazer
Relax the fraying wool, slacken ties
And I'm not to look at you in the shoe, but the eyes, find the eyes

Find me and follow me through corridors, refectories and files
You must follow, leave this academic factory
You will find me in the matinee
The dark of the matinee
It's better in the matinee
The dark of the matinee is mine
Yes it's mine

I time every journey to bump into you, accidentally
I charm you and tell you of the boys I hate
All the girls I hate
All the words I hate
All the clothes I hate
How I'll never be anything I hate
You smile, mention something that you like
or How you'd have a happy life if you did the things you like

Find me and follow me through corridors, refectories and files
You must follow, leave this academic factory
You will find me in the matinee
The dark of the matinee
It's better in the matinee
The dark of the matinee is mine
Yes it's mine

So I'm on BBC2 now, telling Terry Wogan how I made it and
What I made is unclear now, but his deference is and his laughter is
My words and smile are so easy now
Yes, It's easy now
Yes, It's easy now

Find me and follow me through corridors, refectories and files
You must follow, leave this academic factory
You will find me in the matinee
The dark of the matinee
It's better in the matinee
The dark of the matinee is mine
Yes it's mine