Blasting off the Malaysian way..

The recent news that a Malaysian is bound to end up in space in 2007 is a worrisome news to me. If you still didn't know, the goverment is planning to take Batik and Roti Canai up along with the astronaut to let ze Russians know about our culture.

Since when Batik is still a part of our culture beats me.

The debate is on now though as what kind of Roti Canai should be sent up into the space. Research has shown that a hot and garing piece of Roti Pisang is cheaper to send into space and can do more than a bumiputra on goverment loan. But to be fair we wouldn't one a illegal immigrant from India to take over our jobs now, do we?

Come to think of it, we can just as easily send an Indon up to space and save 70% more on wages and living accomodations, surely you've seen how well they fit into the boot of a Kancil? We'll simply give him a PR status if he made it in space and call him Malaysian.

But according to Prof Datuk Dr Astra Daud from the National Space Agency (NSA) the lone Malay astronaut have to be there to fully show the Russian astronaut of our truly unique Malaysian culture. Here is an excerpt from the e-mail interview with Prof Datuk Dr Astra Daud who was more than happy to reveal the grand plan Malaysia had in mind for this special assignment...

Fuzzy: A warm thank you and good morning to you, Dr.

Dr Astra Daud: Ah, well thank you.

F: So, can you please explain about this expedition we're undertaking then?

AD: Well, since we've conquered the top of the world, be the 234,324th person to swam across the English Channel, almost had a World No. 1 golfer, we obviously needed to find another way to waste the tax money that is provided to us since the motion to invest in cloning world class footballers was strike down by PAS because they claimed Beckham wasn't a role model for Muslim and Malaysians despite his sarong wearing and stupid hair cuts.

F: And you think this is worth it?

AD: Well, we did toyed around with the idea of filling up the Guiness Book of World Records with stupid and silly things that others are bound not to beat like "Most Durian eaten" or "Most Cars fitted into a 3-lane highway" but some people said it wasn't enough to make the Americans sit up and take notice our our world class country.

F: I see, so is this the main reason we're teaming up with the Russian astronauts and not NASA?

AD: Partly. I mean how good is an American with a plane? How many they have crashed? 4. How many the Russians has? 0. Based on this safety record, I'm more than confident to cooperate with the Russians in this space trip.

F: 4?

AD: Yes, I think they crashed the Challenger and Columbia plus the two planes that hit WTC. Oh, Tom Hanks also almost crashed one in a movie I saw once, shows you how much Americans know about flying.

F: The two planes wasn't even being flown by Americans, it was allegedly Saudi's, Dr.

AD: This is what happen when you let cheap foreign workers take over our precious jobs, disaster.

F:.... O...K... What kind of preparations do our astronaut have to be eer... prepared in once in training?

AD: Well, the Russians has kept the astronaut training under secret because we didn't pay them enough, it's kinda like the Lotus deal. But we are planning to secretly send our would be astronaut for piracy training so I'm sure the secrets would be on sale at a local VCD peddler near you faster than Micheal Jackson can touch a 5-year-old.

F: And what about the news of 'showing our culture' to the Russians, how does that work?

AD: Well, after 2 years of extensive research we've managed to come up with a few distinctively unique Malaysian cultures that we plan to share with our good fellow Russians. First of all the astronaut will talk on the phone while flying the spacecraft, though from what I see in films there's nothing much to worry about as there is no speed limit or other spacecraft. I expect it'll be more challenging when we get to the outer space as there are satellites to avoid.

AD: We'll also show them our usage of Manglish which has been made our official language between our astronauts and our tower control. We're still trying to look for a suitable location to place our control tower in, "Putrajaya, we have a problem" doesn't sound as catchy as "Houston, we have a problem".

AD: We're also planning to show them our culture of jumping queues and most definately the 'meal table hogging' culture we have here. We're still hoping that we can influence them the art of sitting and talk nonsense until the wee hours in the morning with the modified roti canai and hopefully teh tarik that will be served. I hear they sleep at like 9p.m. there.

F: Ok, but what about the Batik?

AD: It's primary for our astronaut, it'll make him feel more at home and also can be used in his prayer rituals.

F: But I don't remember Chinese using batik to pray?

AD: Well, we feel Malay are the best candidate to represent Malaysia, see it's even in our country name!!, because eerr... people will think someone from India or China went up in space if Murugam a/l Makiam or Wang Chun Soo was sent. So it's all for the sake of our beloved country.

F: Yes..... Any advice for the budding astronauts out there?

AD: Well, son I'd deal with your teacher and his way of giving grades when I come home, ok? Don't cry. And Janet, please stop calling me, I've said I will call you once I come back to Malaysia for gods sake, you know how expensive is the collect call over here in Russia??

F: Errr... thanks I guess.

AD: My pleasure. Say, you know anyone who might be able to hook me up with some Russian prostitute over here? These geeks wouldn't know what is sex even when a naked girl is dancing in front of them, damn geeks. Please. I'm lonely here. Thanks.