A blast from the past.

As I sit here in front of the pc typing out a blog entry, I remember why I don't stay up to watch football anymore at night. The adranaline pumped up from watching one of the best games I've ever witness in my life is now overriden my threats and temptations to my head to fall asleep because I have an pretty much busy day tomorrow.

I'm suprised by the fact that aileen actually found my blog :D ... even more suprising was the fact that she said this blog needed more soul, more intense and personal entries. Well, it used to be personal. It hasn't been since. I'm not sure why it drifted towards that path, but I guess I only post what I think up when I sit in front of my pc, and rarely try to post a recap of what happened to my day, which I felt would be pretty much well, boring. Would you liked to know I spend almsot 9 hours standing in Courts Mammoth hoping to con... i mean convince some lucky party to buy a video camera? Surely not. Do you want to hear about how much I laugh at Yin's short permed hair the very first day I stepped into college this semester? Surely not. Do you want to hear how I slept for 30-40 hours straight couple of days ago? Surely not.

They're not why you read my blog. Or at least I hope not. I try to post some funny things, well, at least I try to post. But well, I'd try to be personal for old times sake.

Of the odd people that chats with me or adds me into friendster, I'm glad I had some pleasant talks with a few of them. Today one ask me a question I stumped myself on answering, "What is the driving force in your life?". I fess that I have no idea. You either say I'm not a one to see the big picture, or you will say I enjoy my life one step at a time, why worry about something that is so uncertain but I'd tell you personally, I don't really care. Proud of it? No. But I really don't place much importance into future or even past for that matter.

Which lead to the current me. What is my problem? I don't place much of an appreciation to things, people, pets, money. I'm not claiming I have alot of them, on the contary it's quite the opposite. I'm the sort of guy you see and forget or you think is cool/ acting cool. Though it's not quite the impression I wanna leave on, I somehow do. And as much as I at times wants to change that, I simply just can't place enough importance or bother to that task.

And I do think this has influence what I think I place the most importance now in despite the fact that it's not at all, even remotely true. I feel that I need a girlfriend. A she is the only thing that can help slap me out of the slump, a place I've been in for ages. I need love. I need someone to dictate over me, someone that I care enough to listen too. Parents don't work, we're far past the point of that, now they only commands respect, the deepest form of it but not fear or abide.

And the weird thing about me is that I view almost every single girl I have a friendly relationship with as someone I might be together with. As much as I hate to say this, I'm still having a hard time trying to get past Natalie. As I've told Bren, I'm ready for a relationship. I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends before, yet I do feel a tingle bit of guilt if I were to go into an relationship knowing that I might not really be in love with them. I guess this is where the conflict rises though, should I or shouldn't I?

I'm shockingly choosing the former. I can't explain why though. I guess I'm so used to have a girlfriend around me that I can't stand being alone without one. Sadly, I'm one of those suckers for love. I believe in what people say love would bring, though I'm one of those who already has suffered much in the quest to find a thing called love. Am I a bastard? Many would argue yes. Then again, many would argue that we need religion in order to snuggle up close to God.

Come to think of it, I do know what drives me. The need to be with someone. The want to be in love. The long for my hearts fulfillment. The urge to be a part of something. The scary feeling of being lonely. The fear of emptiness inside of me. The feeling of incomplete despite all I have.

Until I understand the reason for these feelings, stupid or not, I guess I'm considering the answer to be what I don't currently have. And being the grand person that I am, I'd rather not consider the answer to be something materialistic. So love it is then. And no, I'd not consider religion for now or the near future me guess.

Oh well, guess this is as far as this entry takes me. I guess aileen would wonder why I talk about things like duckies! behaving badly rather than that how truly screwed up my life is. The truth is that I'm drifting through it myself. I don't remember remember much of what I did last week and I certainly couldn't care less for what I'd do the week after. Until I rid of this disease, this hole, this emptiness inside of my heart, I can never see the big picture. And until that day comes, everyday to me, as Ben Harper says, it's just another lonely day, hey hey.

Come to think of it, I remember why I don't watch great football matches wee hours in the morning now. So I wouldn't write stuffs like this. Dez's party was good, sublime and not overdone. My father's birthday passed by a small cake and a few simple pictures. I doubt I would even want to celebrate my owns. I'd bitch about people, but I can't remember if anyone pissed me off this past few weeks. So apologies, I'd try to write it down the next time around then, aileen :)