One of the worst trait of a human being is, well of course that ole' faithful doubt. A simple situation will have a few endings to it depending on how many people are analyzing it. And the worst part of it would be the fact that we will think that we're right coming up with that solution, some of us chose to keep it to ourselves and see how things work out, some of us try to make things work out... their way. This usually and especially happens in a situation that we think we know best because we had 'experienced'. I fall into the latter on a particular subject, love. I hate to acknowledge this, but I rather come out with a clean truth than to lie blatantly because I do think sincerity goes a long way into proving one's own self. Oh, I used to lie a lot, quite a bit infact, just for the heck of it. I've created a few 'friends' before, but when one of my friends really did took his heart into what my 'friend' apparently said "Gossip is just a truth covered with twist of fantasy", I stopped. That was my wake up call I suppose, when I realise someone out there still remembers me and still trust me. And this is something I still hold true, both of them sadly.

I at times still try to argue over a decision my friend makes about his life, even though at the back of my mind, mostly a few hours later I know that this is his life, and his mistake (or mine) to make. I have no control over his life, and I rather don't. People is possesive, that's a darn fact. We blame ourselves for a lot of things that is generally out of our control. I used to blame myself over my friends death in an car accident, and the fact that I stopped my brother along with me from kicking the shit out of the guy who ended my cousin's life. Has he repented ? I have no clue, but surely I can't care. But nooo, instead my heart kicks in and I stopped him. Why ? I dunno, I simply did. Which brings us to my drama currently.

I know you say I don't understand you, but I do. I understand what's its like to stand on the fence, unsure which side to fall onto because both of them seems hurtful. I understand how someone can bring you an alarming sense of calm knowing you have him, yet the same amout of fear knowing you HAVE him. It's like getting a diamond ring, you'll have about 10 mins of fun with it occasionally, but you'll have 10 mins of concern on the dangers of having it, what about the robbers, what if it went down to the drain, what if someone else saw it and wants it as well ? The difference in us is the fact that I choose to see what glory, fun and lovely time I would have with the ring on, while you choose what bad experience you would have with it. The other thing being I'm doin what I think is best for you, my bad I admit. I do not, never or ever will want you to say those magics word because you have too, I simply want you to say it because you want to. Not even too me, to anyone. The difference between us is that I take love as something to behold in joy with, knowing there is someone there, something to share, a one to love, a me to be loved. Call it a blatant lie or blurred vision, but I chose to focus, well lie on the fact that you can only gain as much happiness in a relationship as much as you can get the dissapointment. If you tell me that you have found a guy who can treat you 100x better than I do (wait, that's easy), love you 1000x more than I do and you feel the same about him, I'd say congrats and sulk myself dead. But I'd be happy for you. Because you're smiling again. I would hope it'll be me of course, but I never believed in forcing something into you. If you don't love me in anyway, so you don't. I've broke a few person's heart as much as a few person has done mine, so I know how much it can hurts, on both sides. I said I will respect your decision, and I won't disapprove on anything you made, because it's your life in the first place. The same applies to me. The last thing I need is for you, or anyone else trying to feel for me, trying to live for me, trying to hurt for me. I've been that place, to that part of live, that that moment of a situation so bad I just don't know how to describe it. Trying to support a friend who is doing a wrong thing, a girlfriend who come crying to me. Torn between the truth, the victim and the trust of a dear friend, and a promise of a guy.

But I really do hope you get my point, I don't understand you because you're you. No one can and no one will. But I will and are trying too, and if you think staying away works, so I'd stay away. Since advice from me isn't something you want or think would work, I'd follow your rules instead. Will I stop loving you ? Maybe. Will I regret letting you go ? Maybe. Will I be sad ? Maybe. Will I mourn? Maybe. But isn't our lifes all made up of maybe's and what if's ?? Isn't the fun, hard work and sweat is poured into the relationship, rather than the love itself ? Don't we enjoy something because we enjoy it, not because what it was ? And why am I side stepping into a none related issue again as usual ?? This things is only a few things you need to think about, or not. I care, but I can't 'care' for it. Annoying and irritate me will cheer me up more than the what, the dreaded 'we need to talk' ? No, it'll only make me hate you. Something I haven't done or have for 1 year now. And why can't you confide in me ? I never believed that God exist, but I don't doubt it's existence either, I don't bloody care. But I would like to know that I did control my life, I chose my route and made my mistakes. Blaming God will help you ease the pain, but in the end, the pain is still there. So why not make your own path along the way and be proud of the footsteps you left behind ?