Well, I'm not gonna start this on a bad note, not even going to mumble about how I effectively screw up my English essay exam by writing the wrong question for a right answer. Yes, I screw up the easiest subject of all. And daph didn't even comforted me :( ... Well, it'll serve as a good lesson though, I can remember that Curare is a drug that paralyzes you now... Why you might ask, because I failed to answer it on a quiz few weeks back :). It's wonderful how failure is a better memory maker than success. Hmm, which comes to think of it, that might be a good research paper :D

No, ... I was going to talk about something else. But cokey asked me about daph, me and her actually. And honestly I for the first time don't feel like talking about it. I've talked about alot of stuffs here, some even quite private to my life but for some reason I just doesn't have the mind to type out what I feel about this.

I've been wondering for the past year on a lot of decisions that I've made, whether it was wrong or right, what if I've taken the other road around. What if I've never started the relationship with my 3rd gf, would I still have a strong bond of brotherhood with some of those guys? But if a 'brotherhood' can so easily be torn apart by a girl, shouldn't we actually examine that bond in the first place?

I don't understand love, I simply don't. I can tell the difference between a love and a crush, can see the seriousness that both of us is putting ourselves in, but I don't really know whether I've loved before in my life. I cannot smile and tell you that I've lived and loved, because I'm not sure if I've even managed to complete one part of it.

Is there really THE ONE for us?
How did someone who you almost died for 3 months back dissappear totally from your heart as you embark on a journey to find love and happiness again?
How can people use words to tell others how they feel?
Why do we need words to know how they feel in the first place?

Isn't it a joke when you need a phone call from a girl to remind you that she loved you. Don't get me wrong, I WAS that joke. That was the cause of my last break-up, the small fact that I can't trust her enough. I tried, I really did. But in the end, I simply never had the confidence to believe that she, someone, somehow actually love,like,have a good feeling about me. I've always been open minded towards a lot of things, I covered up for friends who was two-timing his girlfriend who was one of my best friends, I had to endure tears from another friend who can't get who she wanted, I had to leave one of my only last true friend because I can't bear to hurt her more than I already did. I had to play the bad guy and kept quiet when rumors were flying about me, and I certainly force a smile one too many times on myself knowing that someone I like simply doesn't feel the same about me, or some other circumstances meant that we can't be together in the first place. I've seen people overdosed, drunked, beaten, accident or married. For a 21 year old, I'm really suprised that I've seen alot more than most of my other peers. Yet the more humanistic thing I've seen, saw and experienced, the more alone I wanted to be, the more scared I am, the more skeptical I became.

It wasn't her fault that we broke up, but she called me up to apologise. I'm not sure what that achieved, but I guess it made me see that there is a human side to human afterall. Have I changed? Yes. I've become less and less talkative about my own private life. I've become better at putting up a nice package for people to see and despite all the warmth you get from me, I'm not quite sure if I actually rubbed off on you, nor do I care these days. I've toned down alot, stop pretending that people liked me or they had a good reason not inviting me to their weekly clubbing session. It was already a writing on the wall, it just took a little nudge for me to look higher and beyond all the fake paints they tried to put below it, and it came from a good word off my friend.

Yes, I'm alone and I don't care.

Have stick will hunt, have gun will kill. I guess that's what I'm doing now, making the best out of a situation I got myself in. I'm passed the point when I actually remember whether I was happy or not about this situation, if I should march up to that friend and try to patch things up. I'm passed the point of remembering what was happiness, and I'm quite certain I'd end up alone for the rest of my life simply because I'm a useless fool, I'm skeptical (hey, that's a good trait that psychologist needs ok?) but most of all, I never knew how to love.