As I Lose My Head

I do start to feel old nowdays. I can already see the signs, I'm listening to Frank Sinatra, I'm cursing at kids using the word "Sheesh, kids these days" and I've became an organ donor.

For those who had in some case learned about Erikson's Psychosocial Stages Theory, you will see that having the urge to do that usually would be dumped under the Integrity vs. despair stages, where we branch out to do something that is good to the community to feel worthwhile and no regrets to self. For those who didn't learned about it, just pretend you understand.

At times I'm not sure how I look at things at times, but coming out of a motivation class even more unmotivated and sleepy not to mention hungry certainly brings a smile to my face. Counselling course suits me well, here is a place that places emphesis on the fact that we can be silent, in fact some practice depend on it. Certainly a far cry from our usual life where we simply felt we needed to talk simply because we associate silence between two person as either:-

• An akward moment
• Something is wrong
• No interest in the particular topic
• One of them must have came from Bhutan

I like to talk, but I love to listen. Call me boring, call me uninteresting (well, because I am) but I don' really put much importance on people having to know me well and I certainly don't make sure that is one of my life wish. It has been a suprising month for me, I've met more friends in this month alone that I had in the past 2-3 months. I've also gained more than friendship, I do think I have gotten a closure on a few things. As fake and superficial as my current friendship with my oldest bunch of mate is now, I'm happy to accept that. And as much as I know I'd never achieve perfection, I 'm already doing harder at my studies, I understand now that this is a path I take and I will take full responsibility towards the faith given to me by trying my best at it.

(*Yesterday by The Beatles is playing currently, much to my worry)

But I'm starting to worry if I'm thinking too much. The line between being cautious and jumping t any wagon at times is the one I struggle with the most, I'm trying to find me an identity I'm not sure I have or I should possess. At times it is kinda hard having double standards in your life, what you practice for one thing simply don't apply to another. It's either that or the fact that I have the attention span of an 2 year old. I'm not sure what or whether I should work on it, at times knowing I'm flawed makes me feel alive. I can't wait to see what problems I will face next time due to this flaw and how would I cope with it.

And with this I keep wanting to take on new challenges, new things, new stuffs, new ways to do old stuff, new ways to do new things. Suddently there is so many things I want to be interested in, to see how it can challenge me deeper, how it can change me, how it can 'change' me.

And you see suddently it is a never ending cycle for me. I learn new things, wonder more things about me that makes me want to learn even more things that will make me wonder even more about other things I can do. It's a vicious cycle that well, leaves you wetting your hand, but never know how to wash your face with it. And it seems like a cruel cruel joke that someone has decided to play on me as the more I gain my mind, the more I lose my head.