I would want that phone call now please.

As I woke up this morning, I realised that not only my one month term break is almost reaching the end but also the fact that I have accomplished absolutely nothing during that period. Well, sure I made a friend or two and heighten the status of the friendship with another few but this wasn't what I have come to expect. In fact this was what I enrolled in college for, to escape the same mundane life I've endured for the last year or so.

God knows I've tried to the best I can to beat this, even trying my hand at story writing which you can find here. Crap? Yes. Care? No. While I understand that the lack of funding is the main reason my I'm stuck at the position I'm in (the lack of a car being the second, but they overlap each other from time to tim) but I found myself going back to the days where I can have genuine fun with no car and certainly less than what I have in my wallet right now. Where has those days gone?

Then it hit me. It has gone where other has followed. The town called yesterday. At that instance I knew I was not who I was 2 years ago, I'm not that guy who jump up at any mere mention of clubbing or that guy who jump into a relationship a moment a girl says "I kinda like you". I've been looking for the answer to who I am for so long that I forget who I am now. Or it could simply down to the fact that I don't have a clue who I am now. Either way I don't think it's good. I got utterly pissed (as in drunk) for the first time in a few months and I go home drunk and refreshed. I don't feel any bit of excitement of drinking myself to sleep. Its a hard thing to face when you know that you're drunk and you realised that you feel old. You might not look it, you might not feel it, but you simply know you are.

And for this old 22 year old, I feel kinda dissapointed that in this point of our live, where most of the other 22 year olds are already crying at night because they are forced to do something they don't like but fear to go against their fathers wishes, I'm here stucked to do whatever I please and yet having no idea how to actually please myself doing whatever. I've done so many things, saw so many events, participated in so many memories both good and bad, but I've yet found something that I feel had completed my life in someway. But some recent event has made me take a long hard look at myself and realise what I was meant to be.

I won't go on to descibe in detail what those events were, but it involved someone in it and it's sad to know that I can never thank that certain person of the role "it" has has on my life.

I am what I am I guess. I'm the easy going, happy go lucky, whatever comes, it comes, the I couldn't care less, the ok, I'm this, so what?, the 'cincai la' guy. I'm what I am I guess. Maybe la.

But as I think back now, I wasn't the guy who have no clue about his future, I wasn't the guy who never had a strong conviction about many things, I wasn't the guy who rarely states his own beliefs no matter it was right or wrong. I was the guy who decided to be all of those. I'm the guy who chose not to have a strong belief or conviction in many things because I decided that each story has 2 sides and I would like understand both of it. I'm the guy who adopted a look from the third party and as much as that has helped me in many things, that was also the reason in a lot of my downfall. But well, I couldn't care less :) ... I'm happy being who I am, they indecisive guy who is constantly looking for an answer to the question that I have no idea how to ask.

I once remember one of my oldest and best friend asked me "What are you going to do with you life now?", I gave him a little smirk for an answer back then, but I do hope he would ask me again so I can give him the answer I knew all along, I would tell him "I have no idea".