Looking Back In Anger-ish
As, I just found out that is has been exactly a year since I first started to blog. As I read back all the things I've rave and rant about for the past year, I understood one thing. That I haven't changed one bit.
Sure my sense of sytle have changed, my posting has become worse by the minute and I'm now a student instead of a useless worker. Still, I don't feel anything different from what I was when I started writing this a year ago. What is different?
I still feel alone, still single (although I do think that is a good thing for humankind), still yearning for that one true love and still hoping I can better my grammar to save my life. I still retain the last of the what I would think is the remaining drop of humor in my head, as at times I can still sit back and laugh at certain things life has chosen to throw at me like the latest episode of Scrubs or Malaysia's 2004 Budget. Or how I'm still my old quiet self in front of my old 'friends' and some of my new ones too. I don't know what to say nor do I wish too. I stil haven't receive the cd from -amy- and the last time I check, I'm still straight.
I'm getting bored easier these days, I actually started to read my text book on my own free will, I look uglier than before, I'm going out even less nowdays, I've let go of the one girl I've ever loved (I'm hoping I can love again though), so far I'm an average student and I haven't downloaded a pop song in ages. I think that is the only changes I've had since a year ago.
Been reading a few blogs since I was free and I discover that more or less we're all almost the same insecure being that somehow needs some sort of escape point because we can't bring ourselves to face what is or might be coming tomorrow. Even though writing a blog seems to be a way to release some of the pressure we feel, but I don't think that was ever the case. It is a good way of role reversal though as when you read back what you have wrote somehow you tend to look at it differently and I think that is the only thing that keeps us feeling secured. That there are other people that is feeling even worst than you right now and that your blog has more readers than the other one.
It scares me that I can't remember the most part of last year and those I remember isn't a good thing to begin with. Me leaning beside the wall in tears and talking on the phone trying to figure out what is wrong the the relationship, me accidentally kick a friend causing him to fall down to the side of the hotel bed that cause a minor head injury, me looking back in anger and wondering what the hell is so cool about going 180km/h on a Kancil (it is that fun though, I must confess) and me wondering why the heck does everything in Chili's cost about a Somali child's leg. I confess that to me the worst failure so far inside of me is that I still can't get over her properly. It scares me more than anything that of all people, I would eventually become one of those who would need time go get past something. Then again I'm not sure whether this is a simply case of regret or something, seeing that the only time I think about her is when I want too, which is usually when I have nothing better to do. But if thats the last thing I do, that will be the last thing I'd do. I don't know what I should do to change my life, or it needs to be changed in the first place as I'm beginning to enjoythe bittersweet taste of some of the aftermath it serves up from time to time. But looking back at the first ever post I've written for this, its funny that these words still remains a mystery to me until today.
Even more worrying, I laughed when I read it for the first time in ages just now. It can't be a good thing when you start to think silly about your ownself, is it? :)
p/s: if anyone knows the answer to any questions I've posted, feel free to tell me.
Sure my sense of sytle have changed, my posting has become worse by the minute and I'm now a student instead of a useless worker. Still, I don't feel anything different from what I was when I started writing this a year ago. What is different?
I still feel alone, still single (although I do think that is a good thing for humankind), still yearning for that one true love and still hoping I can better my grammar to save my life. I still retain the last of the what I would think is the remaining drop of humor in my head, as at times I can still sit back and laugh at certain things life has chosen to throw at me like the latest episode of Scrubs or Malaysia's 2004 Budget. Or how I'm still my old quiet self in front of my old 'friends' and some of my new ones too. I don't know what to say nor do I wish too. I stil haven't receive the cd from -amy- and the last time I check, I'm still straight.
I'm getting bored easier these days, I actually started to read my text book on my own free will, I look uglier than before, I'm going out even less nowdays, I've let go of the one girl I've ever loved (I'm hoping I can love again though), so far I'm an average student and I haven't downloaded a pop song in ages. I think that is the only changes I've had since a year ago.
Been reading a few blogs since I was free and I discover that more or less we're all almost the same insecure being that somehow needs some sort of escape point because we can't bring ourselves to face what is or might be coming tomorrow. Even though writing a blog seems to be a way to release some of the pressure we feel, but I don't think that was ever the case. It is a good way of role reversal though as when you read back what you have wrote somehow you tend to look at it differently and I think that is the only thing that keeps us feeling secured. That there are other people that is feeling even worst than you right now and that your blog has more readers than the other one.
It scares me that I can't remember the most part of last year and those I remember isn't a good thing to begin with. Me leaning beside the wall in tears and talking on the phone trying to figure out what is wrong the the relationship, me accidentally kick a friend causing him to fall down to the side of the hotel bed that cause a minor head injury, me looking back in anger and wondering what the hell is so cool about going 180km/h on a Kancil (it is that fun though, I must confess) and me wondering why the heck does everything in Chili's cost about a Somali child's leg. I confess that to me the worst failure so far inside of me is that I still can't get over her properly. It scares me more than anything that of all people, I would eventually become one of those who would need time go get past something. Then again I'm not sure whether this is a simply case of regret or something, seeing that the only time I think about her is when I want too, which is usually when I have nothing better to do. But if thats the last thing I do, that will be the last thing I'd do. I don't know what I should do to change my life, or it needs to be changed in the first place as I'm beginning to enjoythe bittersweet taste of some of the aftermath it serves up from time to time. But looking back at the first ever post I've written for this, its funny that these words still remains a mystery to me until today.
Can anyone help me ?? Do anyone diagnose what personality I am, because I in hell sure don't. And why can't a girl that likes Sigur ros and football comes along in my life, and we live happily ever after ? Why can't my life change for that 1 second enough for me to take a step back and cherish what I gained and lost, treasured and thrown, witnessed and missed, hold and released, known and forgot ?
Why ?
Why ?
Why ?
*More rants would come after a short nap and a workday, so stay tuned
- posted by Fuzzy at 9/6/2003 03:03:19 AM
Even more worrying, I laughed when I read it for the first time in ages just now. It can't be a good thing when you start to think silly about your ownself, is it? :)
p/s: if anyone knows the answer to any questions I've posted, feel free to tell me.
posted by Fuzzy at
9/12/2004 02:47:00 AM
1 Comments:
in my opinion, you lack loving yourself. maybe you should stop worrying about where you are in life now, or what you can't seem to get, or why isn't the things that you want happening to you. all these things usually only happen when you least expect it and when you don't wait for them to happen. discover what you enjoy doing and set goals that can give you satisfaction after accomplishing them. love yourself by doing things you like instead of pondering when you're going to have that change of personality. when you're having fun and loving yourself, then im very sure you'll have many happy memories that can pull you away from the past you seem to hold on to
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Anonymous, at 5:54 PM
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