Changing to be the same..
This was meant for a in-college magazine, though I'm not sure what happened to it since I haven't get a chance to read the magazine despite it being out for ages now, darn semester skipping :)
I never thought a simple article for a school magazine would prove to be such a task. It has forced me to look into my darkest closet; my blog. I've been keeping a blog for more than 2 years now and it only makes sense for me to read back to see what has, changed.
Love has always been a driving force in my life. I've done many stupid things in the name of thy holiest and have yet to regret any single one of them. I'm at times ashamed at the fact that most of the entries in my blog reflected who I was; a guy who never understood that he's a failure in love. The very first entry saw a devastated me trying to understand why the relationship ended, oblivious to the fact that I have contributed a big part to it in the first place. The subsequent entries didn't get any better, it seemed while you might be able to take a person out of teen hood, you could never take the teen hood out of a person indeed.
My decision to go back to college came as a shock to everyone. I barely passed my SPM and I remember looking forward to the working life at the time where everything adult was seemingly the best thing to be. But the working life was killing me slowly and coupled with the end of a 2-year relationship something in me must have ticked. Maybe it was the thought that I've finally broken out of love's clutches, freed from the responsibility of having to enjoy and suffer the relationship I can finally figure out what I want in life instead what I have to do in life. At least that was what I thought. Reading back my blog, I can only feel that I did it to satisfy the need for a change at that particular moment. Some cut their hair, some decides to imitate African-Americans but for me, I decided to change my career.
And it has been a pleasant change. Having the advantage of both age and experience, it was indeed a refreshing yet expected feeling that at times can be overwhelming. College wasn't far different from the workplace I felt, the worst of lecturer was nothing more than a grumbling boss, the assignments was nothing more than the reports we need to prepare for meetings and the students was the ever diverse pot of clients. It was ironic that I had to come to college to experience the working life all over again. But this time around, I found a sense of satisfaction in completion.
While the changes might have been subtle, if at all noticeable, I can't deny that it has taken place. It's indeed a scary feeling when a football mad person like me is starting to automatically associate the name Gerrard with counseling, instead of the dynamic Liverpool hero. Sometimes I still wonder what drives me to stay up until 5AM just to rush on an article (yes, this one) or an assignment now, yet I wouldn't even want to stay 10 minutes past 6pm to finished up my job back then. It's scary to realize that you're a 23-year-old living out your dream in a 19-year-olds nightmare and you have no way out of this one. It has taken a lot of sacrifice from me and those around me to get to where I am today and by writing this article, I realized that I've been given a second chance at correcting what I might have done wrong in the past.
At the end of the day, it's not hard to see how many things have changed this past year or so. I've been pleasantly surprised by the seemingly journey back into the time of hot gossips, hard homeworks, quick class naps and blushing crushes offered by this bunch of young adults. It has taken me quite a journey from the 'adult' basking in the glow of his heroic victory from love and its control, to sitting down in front of a pc realizing that he's doing nothing more than to live in a romantic notion of his, the notion that he's just taking a chance at falling in love with education. It seems that all my efforts to distance myself from love have only brought me closer to it. While it is a scary thought for me to face, I have a good feeling that this time, this relationship might have a happy ending. Now excuse me as I write a new chapter of my life into my blog, with renewed hopes that this change might be finally, for good.
I never thought a simple article for a school magazine would prove to be such a task. It has forced me to look into my darkest closet; my blog. I've been keeping a blog for more than 2 years now and it only makes sense for me to read back to see what has, changed.
Love has always been a driving force in my life. I've done many stupid things in the name of thy holiest and have yet to regret any single one of them. I'm at times ashamed at the fact that most of the entries in my blog reflected who I was; a guy who never understood that he's a failure in love. The very first entry saw a devastated me trying to understand why the relationship ended, oblivious to the fact that I have contributed a big part to it in the first place. The subsequent entries didn't get any better, it seemed while you might be able to take a person out of teen hood, you could never take the teen hood out of a person indeed.
My decision to go back to college came as a shock to everyone. I barely passed my SPM and I remember looking forward to the working life at the time where everything adult was seemingly the best thing to be. But the working life was killing me slowly and coupled with the end of a 2-year relationship something in me must have ticked. Maybe it was the thought that I've finally broken out of love's clutches, freed from the responsibility of having to enjoy and suffer the relationship I can finally figure out what I want in life instead what I have to do in life. At least that was what I thought. Reading back my blog, I can only feel that I did it to satisfy the need for a change at that particular moment. Some cut their hair, some decides to imitate African-Americans but for me, I decided to change my career.
And it has been a pleasant change. Having the advantage of both age and experience, it was indeed a refreshing yet expected feeling that at times can be overwhelming. College wasn't far different from the workplace I felt, the worst of lecturer was nothing more than a grumbling boss, the assignments was nothing more than the reports we need to prepare for meetings and the students was the ever diverse pot of clients. It was ironic that I had to come to college to experience the working life all over again. But this time around, I found a sense of satisfaction in completion.
While the changes might have been subtle, if at all noticeable, I can't deny that it has taken place. It's indeed a scary feeling when a football mad person like me is starting to automatically associate the name Gerrard with counseling, instead of the dynamic Liverpool hero. Sometimes I still wonder what drives me to stay up until 5AM just to rush on an article (yes, this one) or an assignment now, yet I wouldn't even want to stay 10 minutes past 6pm to finished up my job back then. It's scary to realize that you're a 23-year-old living out your dream in a 19-year-olds nightmare and you have no way out of this one. It has taken a lot of sacrifice from me and those around me to get to where I am today and by writing this article, I realized that I've been given a second chance at correcting what I might have done wrong in the past.
At the end of the day, it's not hard to see how many things have changed this past year or so. I've been pleasantly surprised by the seemingly journey back into the time of hot gossips, hard homeworks, quick class naps and blushing crushes offered by this bunch of young adults. It has taken me quite a journey from the 'adult' basking in the glow of his heroic victory from love and its control, to sitting down in front of a pc realizing that he's doing nothing more than to live in a romantic notion of his, the notion that he's just taking a chance at falling in love with education. It seems that all my efforts to distance myself from love have only brought me closer to it. While it is a scary thought for me to face, I have a good feeling that this time, this relationship might have a happy ending. Now excuse me as I write a new chapter of my life into my blog, with renewed hopes that this change might be finally, for good.
posted by Fuzzy at
7/26/2005 05:07:00 AM
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