Child's Play
If this thing bloody works, it shall be after the prom and I'm either in a happy mood or a very bad one.
The prom I imagine will go on well, people will be dressed, foods will be served and pictures would be taken. Now this is where it'll seriously go wrong. While I expect my picture to be taken with her, I have no confidence at all that it'll ever exist in her life. Rest assure, couple of days from now, I'd somehow get another of those stupid messages in Friendster, in which I'd have to login to delete 'em. Then somehow my curiosity would get the better of me and I'd check out her details. Single, no picture of us and the child inside of me will give a mocking laugh to himself for hoping it'll be otherwise, and die a little more.
You ask, "Why are you so shallow, dwelling on stupid matters like that?" because it's simply me. For every single time she says she don't like me, for everytime she mentions her ex, for everytime she says we have no future and for everytime she shies away from the mere fact that we might even know each other more than friends, I'm crushed. And for everytime that happens, I smile in front of her. I can't think of anything else to do. I'm not going to make her feel sad or even worst, sympathy for something which is not her fault. I remember KC asked me why was she so afraid of revealing this relationship to my friends, since most of her friends already knows about it and I was stumped. He and me thinks that another of my friend is interested in her and if he did reveal his feelings (if he had one) and was rejected, just to find out she's going out with me, I'd be the person to blame again. "Oh, here goes fuzzy, he stole J's gf you know", which knowing me, won't be bothered to explain and leads this gang, already in tatters in to sheer pieces. "That's your problem, always don't care, don't care", KC replied to my answer to the his earlier question. He seems to think I don't understand the part I play in this, which I do. But I've tried not to demand anything from, which is only fair as she has (from what I remember) never demanded anything from me. How can I tell her that I hate the fact that I don't exist beyond both of us? How can I tell her that I'm jealous of unidentified guy who calls, wanting to "know her better"? How can I tell her that I'm nothing more than an insecure, scared, little child trying to put on a brave face? Would she even understand that? Would she understand the tears that are falling as I'm writing this?
Perennial underachiever. Two words that sums me up so well. Two words she used. Two words I can't and won't deny. Two words that left me wondering, is she ashamed of me? She might love me, but is she ashamed of me? I can't see why not. I gained an reputation from an ignoramus who decided what was best for her "best" friend even before she comes to know me. Somehow, "They judged me before they even know me", sighing uttered by Shrek nails the point home. I'm being blamed for making her lose a friend she never wanted in the first place. I guess it must be karma, a person I once deemed not good enough for my best friend ironically deemed me not good enough for her best friend. (Edited) Driving her back from prom yesterday, I called KC who was with sm in a cinema, when kc asked about her, she told me to deny it. I felt like crying, that really hurt. "What the point of this if she's afraid of people knowing?", he yelled. And for second time in mere weeks, I can't lift an answer from my mind. Would it hurt any less if you pretend you never liked a person? I guess I wouldn't know this time then. Feel free to ask her though, she seemed determined to play that part.
If you're reading this doe, I'm sorry. But you said you wanted me to reveal myself from time to time, well, this is one of those rare times. Waking up 8 in the morning to type this isn't at all fun, but I'd rather it get out here than face to face. I can't bear to see a woman, any woman cry. And I certainly can't bear to see you cry, doe. I love you with with all my heart, princess. And yes, despite your isiotness and all. I still have alot to say, but I guess I'd leave it for another day since I'm running later for class.
I hope one day I'd get what I wish for, that for you to see me as how I do, that I belong to you. I hope one day you'll see yourself as belonging to me. And I hope when that day comes, it arrived because you have planned for this day, not out of pitiness, not out of comfort, not out of sympathy nor out of pressure. I hope it'll arrive because you are ready to become a person in an relationship, as easy as it comes, as hard as it gets. I'm already there waiting, with a full understanding that tears, heartaches and loss of words would be part of the package and from what I feel, a loooooong one.
Still, a child can hope, don't they? A child always hopes.
The prom I imagine will go on well, people will be dressed, foods will be served and pictures would be taken. Now this is where it'll seriously go wrong. While I expect my picture to be taken with her, I have no confidence at all that it'll ever exist in her life. Rest assure, couple of days from now, I'd somehow get another of those stupid messages in Friendster, in which I'd have to login to delete 'em. Then somehow my curiosity would get the better of me and I'd check out her details. Single, no picture of us and the child inside of me will give a mocking laugh to himself for hoping it'll be otherwise, and die a little more.
You ask, "Why are you so shallow, dwelling on stupid matters like that?" because it's simply me. For every single time she says she don't like me, for everytime she mentions her ex, for everytime she says we have no future and for everytime she shies away from the mere fact that we might even know each other more than friends, I'm crushed. And for everytime that happens, I smile in front of her. I can't think of anything else to do. I'm not going to make her feel sad or even worst, sympathy for something which is not her fault. I remember KC asked me why was she so afraid of revealing this relationship to my friends, since most of her friends already knows about it and I was stumped. He and me thinks that another of my friend is interested in her and if he did reveal his feelings (if he had one) and was rejected, just to find out she's going out with me, I'd be the person to blame again. "Oh, here goes fuzzy, he stole J's gf you know", which knowing me, won't be bothered to explain and leads this gang, already in tatters in to sheer pieces. "That's your problem, always don't care, don't care", KC replied to my answer to the his earlier question. He seems to think I don't understand the part I play in this, which I do. But I've tried not to demand anything from, which is only fair as she has (from what I remember) never demanded anything from me. How can I tell her that I hate the fact that I don't exist beyond both of us? How can I tell her that I'm jealous of unidentified guy who calls, wanting to "know her better"? How can I tell her that I'm nothing more than an insecure, scared, little child trying to put on a brave face? Would she even understand that? Would she understand the tears that are falling as I'm writing this?
Perennial underachiever. Two words that sums me up so well. Two words she used. Two words I can't and won't deny. Two words that left me wondering, is she ashamed of me? She might love me, but is she ashamed of me? I can't see why not. I gained an reputation from an ignoramus who decided what was best for her "best" friend even before she comes to know me. Somehow, "They judged me before they even know me", sighing uttered by Shrek nails the point home. I'm being blamed for making her lose a friend she never wanted in the first place. I guess it must be karma, a person I once deemed not good enough for my best friend ironically deemed me not good enough for her best friend. (Edited) Driving her back from prom yesterday, I called KC who was with sm in a cinema, when kc asked about her, she told me to deny it. I felt like crying, that really hurt. "What the point of this if she's afraid of people knowing?", he yelled. And for second time in mere weeks, I can't lift an answer from my mind. Would it hurt any less if you pretend you never liked a person? I guess I wouldn't know this time then. Feel free to ask her though, she seemed determined to play that part.
If you're reading this doe, I'm sorry. But you said you wanted me to reveal myself from time to time, well, this is one of those rare times. Waking up 8 in the morning to type this isn't at all fun, but I'd rather it get out here than face to face. I can't bear to see a woman, any woman cry. And I certainly can't bear to see you cry, doe. I love you with with all my heart, princess. And yes, despite your isiotness and all. I still have alot to say, but I guess I'd leave it for another day since I'm running later for class.
I hope one day I'd get what I wish for, that for you to see me as how I do, that I belong to you. I hope one day you'll see yourself as belonging to me. And I hope when that day comes, it arrived because you have planned for this day, not out of pitiness, not out of comfort, not out of sympathy nor out of pressure. I hope it'll arrive because you are ready to become a person in an relationship, as easy as it comes, as hard as it gets. I'm already there waiting, with a full understanding that tears, heartaches and loss of words would be part of the package and from what I feel, a loooooong one.
Still, a child can hope, don't they? A child always hopes.
posted by Fuzzy at
10/15/2005 11:35:00 PM
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