Enter the Sad Part

From my last post, few things has indeed happened. Exam's over for one thing. We suprisingly won the Best Poster award for our Social Psychology research (not sure whether I've mentioned it or not) which won each of us 25 bucks worth of MPH voucher, I've spend my holidays limping here and there as I somehow twisted my ankle and it cumulated into a series of knee, hell and thigh pains as well. Yes, my glorious 3 weeks 'vacation' was pretty much spend writhing in pain unable to do many things i would otherwise enjoy. Like running down to get some ice-cream and run back up before my favourite show comes back on tv or walking around some huge shopping centre looking like a lost cause.

This few weeks also make me realise that I've lost alot of things, books, cds, movies ( my copy of Legend of 1900!! :( ) because I lend them out to source unknown. I'm just glad that my cherished cd of Miles Davis and Sigur Ros remains here as no one in their right mind would wanna lend it :)

Now the sad part. I'm not sure where my life is heading towards. My love life is great, ai-leen is the girl I always pictured I would end up with, she's a good friend and confidant, more than anyone else I've ever known. I guess she's tired of my weird antics though, the way I creep back into my shell everytime I sense something bad might happen. At times she's the sweetest person I have in my life, at times she's the thorn in my bed of roses. I can't help at times but to think that she's still wondering, comparing, reasoning whether she made the right choice or not in me. I don't blame her, I would too. But I'm never going to be the person she had in mind and that might ultimately be the reason I'll lose her someday. Her constant mention of her beautiful past with her ex, the fact that he has an entire diary dedicated to him and sitting proudly on her top shelf, while I have 3 boxes in a small caption space in a planner thrown around in the study table serves as a constant reminder to a psychology student like me as a reminder that subconciously, she's still pretty much engulfed with him....... What can I do? Every fear I have is dismissed as a childish concern, something not important enough for her to put into consideration. And everytime that happens, the sting gets deeper, the shell gets cozier and I sink lower and lower into all of this. It's a vicious cycle alright, one that I can't seem to get myself out of.

My family's broke. Broke broke. I'm struggling to get funds so I can continue next semester, I need an offer letter from HELP for the Bpsy programme to get a loan, yet the loan only starts at March, which inturn pays for the May semester, thus I need to pay for the Jan intake myself. Every single cent I earn from the various work I do goes to the family, the small computer service I at times does, the promoter jobs, everything. Mom has asked that I only take what I need, and with that I scaled down the need by alot. I forget the last time I buy something decent for myself, something I wanted. But no regrets, Mom's more important. I might need to skip next semester, if not the entire thing really, since the weird arrangement of the loan period and HELP's decision to change the semester periods.

I'm seriously considering stopping my study altogether if it comes to it. If it comes to that, it'll be the first ever decision I make that I'll regret, but when your hands are tied, you don't expect the luxuries others enjoy. It's always not fun for me to place emotions into a post, making it personal. It has been a very bittersweet year for me, bitter at most. I've always been nonchalant when it comes to money, I don't get the very essence of it. But it can't be denied that's the very thing that is tearing me, our family apart. Maybe it's just time for me to grow up and face the fact that my chance with education has passed, that it's about time the underachiever went out to the real world and face the music he help created ages ago, the music of a paperless man. A paperless man with a dead dog. RIP Junior, you always deserved better. Let's hope all dog do indeed go to heaven.

And at the end of this journey, I understand that it's one that I have to face alone. Time and time again I hope ai-leen would be there beside me, telling me everything's ok, everything's fine and we'll find a way out of this together. But it's my road, it's my journey and nothing is fine or ok, nothing's well. I'm not sure if she want to be there beside me in this journey, but I can't ask for nothing more than a show of love, letting me know that at the end of the day, I have something to fight for, someone to long for, a lonely lonely quest that I'll have to walk alone.

My song of the week, top top song.
Artist: Four Tops
Song: It's The Same Old Song

You're sweet as a honey bee
But like a honey bee stings
You've gone and left my heart in pain
All you left is our favorite song
The one we danced to all night long
It used to bring sweet memories
Of a tender love that used to be

Now it's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone

A sentimental fool am I
to hear a old love song
And wanna cry
But the melody keeps haunting me
Reminding me how in love we used to be
Keep hearing the part that used to touch my heart
Saying together forever
Breaking up never

It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone

Precious memories keep a lingering on
Everytime I hear our favorite song
Now you're gone
Left this emptiness
I only reminisce
The happiness we spent
We used to dance on the music
Make romance through the music

It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone

It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone
It's the same old song
But with a different meaning
Since you been gone