I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I have neither the will, heart, motivation nor the power to write this now. It's already 4AM, but I find myself having these thoughts running into my head and staying there, like illegal Indonesian immigrants. I haven't dare to call or ask bb how is she for a few days already, my head is in a deep mess. I try not to call her at all, since that's what I promise her in the first place. She said that our 'thing' will only be decided after March, when she graduates. I'm not sure if I ever want that day to come at all. I'm not sure how she feels, I'm not sure if I should. I'm not sure if I can handle the fact that she will reject me, although I have been preparing for that to happen. Yes, always the optimistic. I know my shortcomings will not appeal to her at all, I'm not sure what kind of pro's I have or can use to win her over. I'm not sure if I can give her what she wants, but I can swear that I will love her the best I can. Then again, what's a promise worth these days ? I'm no any different than the politicians who are campaigning to win over our hearts, the difference being they do it for a difference cause and they promise material goods, I can only promise a feeling that I feel. That only I know. That only I care. I've been cold for a long time, I'm not sure if I will ever recover from it. I'm not the same guy I was two months ago, and I can't be sure if I'm still the same guy two months from now. Things change, facts change, situation change, and I can only hope I do too for the better.

It's weird how I always think I can control me. Funny how I think I know what to do with my life, where to go with my legs, what to see with my eyes, what the hear with my ears, what to think with my mind, what to feel with my heart. The more we think we know, the more we realise that we don't. The more things you grasp, more intelligence you gather, more ways to realise how many more you don't. I'm sure life goes on without her. I wouldn't starve to death bar a total PAS win in M'sia and declaring the whole country banned from eating meat. I won't cry to death, well I haven't cried since a year or two ago. I won't die without her on my side, that's something that surely everyone knows. I won't tell her I will die if she ever felt that she doesn't need me, or wanted me in the first place. Things change, I'll understand. Hurt, yes, angry, yes. But understand and live it it, yes. But I can certainly say I wouldn't like to live in a place without her. For all the good and bad things someone has, I really can't say what makes her stand out from the others. 1 thing. I love her. My heart yearns for her, my feelings sink whenever something bad comes out from her. She doesn't see that her words hurt more than any insults I receive from anyone. And I can only hope I don't see any actions from her because I wouldn't like to have that feeling in my mouth. No one understands that people love in a different way, and I don't have a clue why some girls insist that we love them as much as our ex. They seem to forget that we are not together anymore for a reason. They simply forget about us.

How can I ever explain how much I love you. How can I ever explain how much I want you by my side. How can I ever tell you the joy of you saying "I Love You". How can I ever tell you the pain of you never even come close to it. How can I tell you what I like about you, because I simply do. That's the point that seperates friends from lovers, I simply love you. Good or bad, smart or dumb, nice or not. I simply do. Not because you may have 1.35454 million dollar in your account, not because you can have a major makeover to make you look like Charmaine Choi, not because you may have silicons inserted to the appropriate place and fat removed from those who are not. Not because you can kill a guy (well, his gf does it anyway) with a wink that will make his heart stops or knees weak with a wink. I love you simply because I do. Why list 10 things when 1 is good enough ? Why only remember that I love you for you goodness, when I love you just as much for any weakness ?

I don't have a clue how she feels, and I will not try to even think about it. Simply because I've exhausted myself doing so, and I've promised that I won't bugger her for that. But also for the fact I'm scared. I'm scared of what may come, and the aftermath of it all. Do I have confidence in me on this ? I have no idea, I really don't. I would love to say yes, she'll be mine if not already and will officially sworn in as my girl friend when her terms as the mayor of Singletown expires this April, but I really can't. I would like to say I'm happy everytime I think of her, but I can't. Oh, don't get me wrong, I do, I really do, but at times my heart crush, like now when I think of it and the consequences that may follow in a few weeks time. And as much as I would like to say I will get over it, I will survive, I will bravely march on, I will cope, I will not fall and cry, I neither have the will, heart, motivation nor the power to do so for now.