Driving the fool inside on...

A bane of being a psychology student is the fact that you have the tendency to look at things in a different way, you catch the small things that would usually go unoticed or you might over analyse something quite badly... So here's a example of what I mean, enjoy:

As I woke up early this morning, I went online hoping to catch her there as well. Lo and behold, she was. We have a good talk and she said she wanted coke and she wanted it now. So, I haul my tired and half asleep arse up and went buy coke, then proceed to drive from Klang to Kota Kemuning, about an hour's drive through and fro.

As I reach there, I gave her a call, asking her to come out and take her coke, only to be hit by the bombshell saying she can't. Why can't she call? Does it really take that much effort to give a phone call comfirming that I'm not going through with it, seeing that my last msg was one that told her I'm coming now. Apparently not. Perhaps my lack of consistency caused her to think I was only joking, something that I would later comfirm was a part of it.

The second thing that ran through my mind was where is my position in her heart? If a job she hates and loathe seems to be more important than me, what then should I feel? While this are no more than illusionary correlations and I know the potential costs of thinking too much, I can't help it. Today was the first time in ages I felt let down. But wait you say, I can also see this what, so easy to spot. Well, I'll look abit more into it then..

We'll skip the reasons she gave, and arrive at "Come la lunch time ke.." ...we clearly see a cognitive dissonance here, and by diffusing the blame to me, we both now share the part of the blame.. "The GM's here, so I can't go out" ... here she's reduced her perceived control, this was an event out of her control thus less responsible and guilt would be attached to it.. "we were just playing the fool, you know that.." .. Apparently I don't.. so it was at the end, my fault for being a fool, instead of playing one.

I been a fool for you, little girl
Way down in my soul
I'm a little fool for ya
- Ray Charles

But hearing lich's stories of how his friend suffer even worst fate than mine in the hands of his girlfriend, doe looks angelic juxtaposed beside her. I've promised that I would never have a "devil may care" attitude towards her, no matter what she does to a certain extend, but today I found myself being drawn closer to that line I don't want to cross.

Maybe someday I'll be numb to this bullshit she tends to pull every oh so often, but for now, " she's sweet as a honey bee, but like a honey bee stings. she's leaving my heart in pain" ... And oh how it hurts.